ImPerceptibility

We’re not a religious family and we don’t thank God for our meals. We’re thankful for what we have but we tend to give thanks to a more tangible source. However, most of my family is religious and they pray before meals. When the kids were small we never worried about it. I would either inconspicuously, or if I was feeling hostile noticeably, miss the blessing. Other times I would give the kids a roll to chew on until they were done praising the lord for every little thing and hope they didn’t get brainwashed before it was over. When the kids were little I had a much stronger need to distance myself, and them, from religion. I grew up with that stuff and I didn’t want them drawn into it.

I realized my approach was wrong one day when when my youngest was about three. We were standing around while my brother said grace and when it was finished, just as everyone was about to say amen, she sat up real straight and shouted “I’m mad!” If you say that with a slight southern accent you’ll get why she said that. She thought that was what everyone was saying. It was funny and we all laughed but I knew ignoring religion wasn’t going to be the best approach.

I wasn’t an educational anarchist yet, but I was well on my way. We started with Greek Mythology, threw in some Native American Myths, rounded it out with Celtic and Norse Gods. I think we threw in a bit of Egyptian beliefs. By the time we got to Christian fables a few years later, they had no problem understanding exactly what I wanted them to understand. I felt a lot better about my choices as well.

One of Oldest’s friends was over last week and she told her that her mom said not to talk about religion with her friends because everyone doesn’t believe in the same thing. I’ve told my kids almost the same thing. I think that sucks. I tell my kids that everyone has right to believe in whatever they feel is best for them, unfortunately so many people around here don’t feel the same way. My resentfulness and anger is returning.

My youngest told me that she just pretends she believes what her friends believe because she doesn’t want to fight with them. My oldest gets in arguments because people get frustrated when she matter-of-factly states that she doesn’t believe that. I’m just sitting here alternating between “Fuck ‘em all”, “Why, oh, why can’t we just get along”, and “Let it be. They’re smart kids and they’ll work it out”.

I’m not sure what to do, if anything. In the mean time, I have some books about evolution and world religions on hold at the library. I’ll pick them up Friday.

I’m not sure how my trip through he past landed me there. He was sitting on a dock drinking a beer and there were a bunch of empty cans around him. I thought, “Man, I used to change his diapers” I wondered if I’d embarrass him if I told all the little girlies flirting with him that I’d seen him naked. I wondered if he still had that little birth mark on the back of his thigh, just under his cute little bottom. I remembered how he’d sit in my lap with his head on my chest and suck his thumb until he fell asleep and how he’d get mad and throw the most awesome fits when he didn’t get his way. He was the sweetest little thing. A bad boy. One of my favorites.

Then I clicked through to the next picture. That’s when I realized I wouldn’t be embarrassing anyone with my revelation. His birthmark was still right there where I remembered it and it seems he has upgraded in other areas since the last time I saw him.

I closed the page. I know there is no way to unsee that, but I’m trying. God damn, I’m trying.

Mommy that hobo is pathetic.

That’s what my daughter told me a few nights ago. I was expecting her to be sad. Her tender and loving heart hurt by the thought of someone with so little that they had to stand in front of the mall and beg passing cars for change.

You see, she’s the kid that picks worms up out of the road and puts them back in the garden after it rains because she doesn’t want them to die in the sun. She checks the SPCA page every few months to make sure the pets have been adopted. I buy icee pops in bulk because she makes sure everyone in the neighborhood has an icee pop on hot days. She doesn’t want anyone to feel left out. She’s my baby and I love her ability to look at a situation and decide what needs to be done to make it better.

“Absolutely pathetic!” she continued with a hint of contempt in her voice. Myhusband and I looked at each other questioningly as she continued.

Does he really think I’m going to fall for that?

First: He has a printed sign. It was printed on a computer and it’s in a plastic report cover. Hobos have to scrounge through the restaurant trash and find a crayon then write a handwritten sign on a piece of cardboard.

Second: He has a brand new backpack. It’s nicer than mine.

Third : You never see hobos walking on this road he must drive from somewhere and park in the parking lot. How did he buy a car if he’s a hobo?

Fourth : He has new shoes.

Fifth: He’s not hungry because he’s fat!

I was a little stunned and instead of looking in the other direction I looked at the man she was so harshly judging. I must say, I think she’s right.

I’ve wondered about the men that stand at the light in front of the mall. They are always there. I’ve wondered if they have a schedule to determine who works when.

We put money in the tip jars even if we only got a lemonade. We drop bills in the hat of street musicians. We give food and money to local food banks. I once threw a $20 bill behind an old man that couldn’t pay for his groceries at the checkout and insisted that I had seen it fall out of his pocket. But I’ve never given a dime to the hobos in front of the mall. I doubt I will.

Today my daughter told me she had seen the hobo from the mall texting someone on his cell phone. He had a Starbucks cup sitting beside him. I had to giggle. She shook her head.

Pathetic! I said and she giggled back.

Come on guys. If you want our money you need to do better than that! Get an old hat. Maybe a harmonica or somethin’. Buy your coffee from 7-11. Stop carrying around $100 backpacks. You have a reputation to uphold and you are making my child jaded. I expect better!

I was going to embed a video for my oldests birthday a few posts back but I couldn’t think of a single song that really fit. It took some time and some thinking but I finally got it. I played it for her and told her it reminded me of her. She told me it was a really cool song and she loved it. I guess I did good. Happy Belated Birthday Oldest. You’ve always been a star to me.

Wasn’t Born to Follow by Social Distortion

When I grow up, gonna be a star
Gonna sing my songs and play my guitar, I’m ready
Gonna change the world, gonna turn the page
Gonna say what I feel, let out this rage, get ready
We’re going down, down to the streets below

Gonna sing the songs of the streets again
Gonna knock me off my feet, so get ready
I’ll sing a song for the fallen angels
This one goes to all the unsung heroes

Chorus:
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause don’t you know, I wasn’t born to follow

I realize that in your eyes you got ideas
But I got mine, get ready
Here comes the new generation
Hope they feel and fight the same way as we did

Chorus:
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause I wasn’t born, I wasn’t born to follow noo

When I grow up, gonna be a star
Gonna sing my songs and play my guitar, I’m ready
Gonna change the world, gonna turn the page
Gonna say what I feel, let out this rage, get ready
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause don’t you know, I wasn’t born to follow
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause don’t you know, I wasn’t born to follow

We’re going down, down, down, down
We’re going down, down, down
I said goodbye to the masses, I wasn’t born to follow

Last night there was a story on the news. A teenage boy was riding his bike and he was attacked by two other boys. He died at the hospital shortly after. It was sad. I felt bad for everyone involved. Then they had the shock and disbelief interviews with the community. Scared and upset neighbors looked frightened and expressed their sorrow for the family. Then a man my age come on the screen and he said it. It being the catch phrase that makes me see red. The one that cancels out any feelings of sorrow and replaces them with anger.

“I just don’t know what to say. I grew up in the 70’s and things like this didn’t happen.”

I sat straight up on the couch and shouted, “Bullshit!”

MyHusband startled awake from his pre-bed nodding off and looked around wildly trying to figure out what he’d done.

Back in the good old days things like that didn’t happen. It makes me angry every time I hear it. Yes, it did happen. Believe it or not teenage boys have been fighting since the beginning of time and sometimes people get hurt. When I grew up people were killed, and there were gangs, and children were molested, and girls got pregnant, and we dressed like idiots, and we listened to inappropriate music, and we drank and did drugs, and…

I’ve tried for some time to figure out why it makes me so mad. It’s very complicated and it bothers me in many different ways. I’m still trying to figure it out so I decided to make a list

1. “It wasn’t like that when I was kid.” The person that says something like that is in denial. Instead of facing the problem they are hiding behind a wall.
2. It stops any legitimate conversations so people can glorify an idealized lie. People, the past has gone. Lets talk about the here and now. Lets make plans for the future.
3. They incorrectly attribute moral superiority to an entire decade instead of the people that lived in it.“Ohh yeah, I grew up in a little slice of heaven. Back then everyone always did what was right because that’s the way it was.” Whatever.
4. The difference between my childhood and my children’s childhood is in the good ol’ days no one knew the guy down road went to jail because he liked little boys. Knowing and talking about a problem doesn’t make the problem worse. It just make it visible and that makes it seem scarier. In reality it makes the world safer.
5. You aren’t accepting responsibility. “They” are the problem. No, they are children and they are responding to the world that we have built for them. If they are messed up then you need to point your finger at yourself.
6. It makes it seem like my children, your children, and all the wonderful little people I have cared for over the past years are screwed. That they are inheriting a world that’s devoid of goodness.

Number five makes me mad but I think number six may be the largest source of my anger because it is the ultimate bullshit. Anyone that thinks the kids that are growing up today are any less wonderful than past generations haven’t spent much time with the kids. Or if they have, they have been judging them on outdated standards and viewing the world through mass media blinders.

As a whole these kids are amazing. They are so intelligent and have a world view that is so much larger than we could have ever hoped to have had. If we’d stop harming them with all our doomsday prophecising and give them tools so they can succeed instead of assaulting the character of an entire generation because we’re afraid, they’ll do amazing things. Actually, I think they’ll do amazing things either way. You just wait and see.

I thought I saw you. You were just around the corner, entering the room I had just walked away from. I wasn’t sure it was you and I felt too shy to go back and find out. So I continued on. My thoughts were not on the present. They weren’t on the past or the future either. I guess they were in a holding pattern circling a tiny seed of opportunity and I let my self-doubt crumble it into a powder. The opportunity scattered and it was sucked into the past as I slowly walked away.

I’m too old for heroes. The people you look up to, not the tasty sandwich. Sandwiches fill your belly with tasty goodness and heroes fill your head with dreams. They leave trails in the sand that you can follow until you find your own way. But eventually they will let you down, break your heart because heroes aren’t real people. They just aren’t real and I wanted you to be real but I didn’t trust you enough to allow you that opportunity. I didn’t want to be disappointed.  I was also afraid that you would reject me. Maybe you’d see that I’m not what I try so hard to be. Sometimes it’s better to keep it safe than keep it real. So I walked on.

I think it’s good that I have sense of humor because I was studying pictures of heroes when I saw you again. You walked past me for a closer look at a display. I watched you and when you turned toward me I smiled. You frowned back at me. I had expected that. It was a thoughtful, contemplative frown. I have the same one. It’s very off-putting to people that don’t understand but it thrilled me. I tried to think of something to say but I couldn’t. That one girl kinda scared me. Her frown wasn’t contemplative. I worried that she misunderstood my intentions. I turned and listened to someone else and let my heart ache just a little as I made my way down another hallway and into a noisier more active place. I berated myself for being so inept. Then I walked out the door.

A train went overhead as I waited outside. It was loud and fast and urgent. I understood that feeling but refused to acknowledge it. I waved at a man fishing in the river. I looked at the graffiti. I listened to “that” song on my iPod. Then I went home and spent the rest of the evening in my garden.

Maybe another day. Maybe not. I suppose time will tell. Maybe we could have lunch down by the river… I could bring hero sandwiches. You could bring your girls I could bring my girls and we could all smile until the mosquitos came out.

Wow, what a busy few weeks. My oldest is now less than a year away from being a teenager. Damn, they grow up fast. She is turning into such a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful young lady. I’m so proud of her.

Her dad bought her Green Day concert tickets for her birthday. She started screaming and hopping around. She’s so excited. We haven’t decided who’s going to take her yet. I think I’ll ask her uncle. He seemed as excited as she was about it – without as much hopping. He was more excited when she told him that an old guy liking Green Day didn’t make it any less cool. I had a few reservations about the concert but I guess 12 isn’t too young to get your first contact high. To be honest, I prefer her liking Green Day to some of the racist, misogynistic, redneck, or slutty airhead themed bands that are out there now. “Silence is your enemy” There’s nothing wrong with that message.

Next up MyHusband and I celebrated our Fritos and Mountain Dew anniversary. Damn, we’ve been together a really long time. I still remember the day we met like it was yesterday. I didn’t think we had anything in common and was sure we’d never hit off. Looking back I think that’s why we hit it off. Two very different types of people make for many opportunities to try different things. Plus he’s really awesome. That never hurts.

I spent most of today with Verizon guys in my backyard installing fiber optic cables. I’m use to being the only person, except the drunk old lady a few houses down, to be around during the day. All the excitement kinda aggravated me. Not being able to let the dogs out back aggravated me more. But the guys were very polite and didn’t mess up my trees too much so I shouldn’t complain. At least I managed to channel my aggravation into cleaning up the house so it all worked out.

I’m not sure if you guys are nerdy enough to understand why this is our Frito and Mountain Dew anniversary so I’ll add this video. He’s not a code monkey but this song always reminds me of him and how we met.

So what do you say MyHusband? We might not have everything but we’re doing alright, yes? Happy anniversary. Damn, I’m glad I didn’t fall asleep by 10pm last night like I threatened.

It was a new bra and it needed to be tested. Worse yet it was a sexy bra and those are the worst. Those of us with ample bosoms understand what I’m talking about. My trusty bras were all in the wash and we were going to the berry patch. That involves reaching and bending. Reaching and bending can lead to a mishap that is sometimes called a wardrobe malfunction. If you’ve ever had this problem you know it’s not a good thing. An improperly fitted bra can give out on you when you least expect it. You could fall through the bottom, slip out the side, or worse yet the full single booby pop out of the top. There is not much worse than having to stuff your right breast back into position while trying to act nonchalant. It even worse when you have berry juice on your hands. I just didn’t want to go there. So, I decided to test it.

Standing in front of the mirror I started with a little light bouncing. All seemed well but I’ve been fooled before. I did the trusty side to side shoulder shake. There was considerable movement but no side poppage. I was feeling a little more confident in my bra choice when I grabbed the shoulder straps and wiggled them up and down. No leakage from the bottom. This was a good bra. I was very excited about my new bra and I was all hopped up on caffeine. It was time for the final test, the Flash Dance test. Oh what a feeling! You never know when you’ll suddenly be caught in a musical and it’s good to be prepared. Thats when I looked up and noticed MyHusband standing in the doorway with a peculiar look on his face.

“I’m…uhh…testing my bra. I’m testing my bra!”

He told me I didn’t need to stop.

I was a little embarrassed and decided to hug him. That’s when I noticed it. If you are or are married to a man over the age of 35 there are certain things that aren’t as spontaneous as they use to be especially if you’ve been spontaneous in the last 12 hours. With age come patience. Lets just say there wasn’t a need for patience.

“What the heck. Do you think you’re a 20yo or something?” I asked.

“Apparently,” he said.

Finally, after all these years, I figured out Victoria’s secret. It was well worth the wait.

We named him eater because he ate a bug when we walked up to see him. Then he sat there and posed for us while we took pictures.

I’m back from my trip. It was so much fun. All our flights were on time, no bags lost, and the kids were wonderful. They really are growing up. I was so proud watching my youngest finding our gates and marching around the airport like she knew exactly what she was doing. Our last plane trip she could hardly read and stayed attached to my side.  Now she’s full of confidence and reading every sign along the way. It’s amazing how things change in just a short time.

My oldest was determined to be too cool to get excited about anything but with my itinerary she didn’t have a chance. She put up a good fight but when we saw the guy in Sedona with a long gray beard, playing a pan flute and wearing fairy wings, she knew her mom wasn’t pulling punches.

In case you were wondering, Phoenix is freakin’ hot. Seriously freakin’ hot and people are cranky. I think they’re cranky from the heat or maybe because our pale skin was blinding them. I’m not sure which.

The Desert Botanical Gardens, Chihuly displays, and butterfly house were great. Would have been greater if it wasn’t so freakin’ hot. We went early and it wasn’t too bad. It was very different from the oceans of green we see around here.

Glass scultures by Chihuly

A butterfly at the Desert Botanical Gardens

Little bird eating bugs in a catus flower

He looks sweet but he was cranky. Don't get too close.

The Zoo was so-so. I was spoiled by the San Diego Zoo so I judge harshly. I will say I’ve never been to a zoo that has a petting zoo area, with a baby calf, sponsored by the beef counsel. That’s just sick!

Speaking of beef, I’m proud to announce that I managed to eat vegetarian dishes the whole trip. It wasn’t easy and I almost got a turkey sandwich when we stopped to pick up lunches to take to the Grand Canyon but I held out and managed to get the deli guy at Safeway to fix me a cheese sandwich. It was good. Thank you deli guy at the Safeway in Flagstaff, you make a good cheese sandwich.

The Science museum was one of the best I’ve visited so far. I kept thinking, I wish our science museum was this nice. They have a Lego exhibit opening later this month. If you go please tell me if it was worth the little bit of pouting I did because it wasn’t open yet.

So many cool petroglyphs

The petroglyphs in Deer Valley were so cool. I told the kids we were going to see really old graffiti. They were impressed. My youngest sat and drew all the designs she found on the back of a piece of paper. My oldest has really good eyes for spotting the designs, she must have found around 100 of them.

Red rocks, hippies, and Indians what else do you need?

What the hell are they smoking in Sedona? Can I get some? It was quite beautiful. I’d like to go back sometime.

The Grand Canyon was freakin’ grand. I’ve seen movies and pictures but, wow. It’s definitely one of those things you have to see in person. Amazing. Even my oldest said so.

Since we got back I’ve been doing laundry, catching up with my garden, and trying to get rid of a cold. My youngest keeps teasing me that I have a hot because I caught it in Arizona. There was no cold in Arizona.

I hope everyone is doing well.  I’m going to try some of the fresh picked lettuce I just got out of my garden.  I’ll miss having so much free time with my family but it’s good to be home.

My youngest is at grandmas and having a blast.  My oldest is in bed – probably listening to her iPod instead of going to sleep.  My husband is in Arizona testing things in the desert.  Good things.  Things that will save lives.  I can’t hold that against him.  I’m finishing up a few things around here and getting ready for a field trip tomorrow.  It’ll be the second of three times I’ll be in Richmond this week.  The first to wave goodbye.  The second to learn about the holocaust and on Thursday the girls and I catch a plane so we can go see a big crack in the ground and some sculptured glass.  Should be fun.  I’m looking forward to it even if it is using up a few of those pennies I’ve been saving.  I’ve been hanging out around this town too much this year.  I’m so sick of looking at it I could scream.  Except when I saw the irises in front of the old stone warehouse.  Those were quite beautiful this afternoon.  I wish I had a picture. 

I’m missing my husband so much this evening.  I’m not sure when I got so used to having him here that it became uncomfortable for him to be away.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  I just know I miss him.  A lot.  It’s funny how our relationship has changed over the past decade or two.  I thought we were in love when we first got married.  The feeling I had for him were so overwhelming and intense.  I loved everything about him.  Now those feelings seem insubstantial.  I don’t love everything about him anymore, I just love him. I’m not sure that makes any sense.  But it’s been a very long day, I didn’t sleep well last night, and I almost burst a blood vessel in my head because a hippie bitch pissed me off.  Under those circumstances I guess I’m allowed to not make any sense. 

Anyway, I won’t be around much for the next few days and I’d say I’ll be thinking of you but I don’t want to lie.  I will catch up with everyone when I get back provided I don’t die from a heat stroke or a scorpion bite.