If I Wasn’t a Mom I’d be a Lazy Bum

  I pretty sure that I have the potential to be a lazy bum. Probably a fairly high potential. It might even be a calling. Sitting here today I realize the only thing that keep me from fulfilling my calling is motherhood.

I don’t suppose it matters that I wasn’t a lazy bum before I became a mother. That was a whole nuther life. As of today I’m certain. Lazy bum was my destination and I jumped off the train before I reached my stop. I sometimes do impulsive things like that. Figuratively, of course. Not literally.

You may wonder how I came to be so certain. It’s a long story. Not terribly long. I’m too lazy to give all the details. Here’s the summary.

I woke up this morning at 7:00. The dogs were barking so loudly I thought the horses of the apocalypse had descended upon our backyard and taken up residence in the shed. I let the dogs out and took a look. They were close. It was a damned squirrel.

I sat down and noticed the cherry blossoms were falling off the tree in our front yard. I wanted to sit there and watch them. I wanted to watch them all day. But my daughter got up.

She is a morning person. More specifically a morning talker. She talked for almost and hour about unicorns. “Just because you’ve never seen something doesn’t mean they are not real. There’s Santa Claus, Fairies, Australia.” Then her sister got up and we had breakfast. I refereed a fight while sneaking a peak at the white clouds blowing across the sky. I looked longingly at my chair and the blossoms swirling in the wind. I remembered the chocolate that was in the cabinet. Then I remembered my daughter ate my chocolate last week.

There were a couple hours of math problems, spelling tests, rhyming words, and a very loud argument over who gets to use the bunny pencil today. It’s my pencil and I’m tired of the kids thinking they can use it.

Decided to walk the dogs. Walked my neighbors’ dogs. Trained for the one mile run my daughters wanted to enter. They wanted the free T-shirt. The whole running for a mile isn’t as fun as they thought it would be.

Then lunch. The noodles boiled over. Cleaned the stove. Did the dishes.

Start a load of laundry while watching the sun move to the backyard. Cursed Helios for driving his chariot too fast.

Watered the plants. Took a shower. Took the kids to PE class. Drove to Borders to look for books about unicorns. Returned home sighing as I drove over the pear blossoms on the street.

Folded laundry on the front porch while the girls played scooter tag. I wished for a glass of the Merlot I forgot to pick up at the store. Time to start dinner.

Ate dinner. Did the dishes. Cleaned the Bathroom.

Now it 7:00pm. All I wanted to do was sit in my chair all day and watch the cherry blossoms fall off the tree. Maybe have a glass of the Merlot I forgot to get from the store and some of the chocolate my daughter ate. It’s obvious. I missed my calling. It’s really a crying shame. I’m sure I have a tremendous ability to succeed as a lazy bum…or maybe a unicorn… I bet I’d be a really good unicorn…

Men Aren’t Sexy Until At Least 40

I’m not sure why. It seems that men start to miss the vigor of their youth at just about the same time they truly become sexy. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the yummy eye candy appeal of a good-looking twenty something boy. I do. But they are no match for the true sex appeal of a man. The look and manners that can make my heart start to beat and my breathing quicken. Here’s my tribute to men over 40. (At least one of them. This turned out a little different than I had intended when I started writing. I hope you respect me in the morning!)

I see those worry lines around your eyes, they let me know you care enough to worry. I want to run my fingers over them and kiss all those worries away. I want to snuggle your head against my chest and hold you against me. You’ll want that too. You are old enough to appreciate being cared for. Old enough to take the time to appreciate it.

Your hands no longer have the plump softness of youth.  They are strong and experienced.  Your hands have cradled newborn babies, held the seat of a first two-wheeler, and hammered their fair share of nails.  How many tears have they wiped from sad eyes and how many backs have they patted?  Those hands know love.  They’ve lived it.  They’ve felt it.  They know how to pass it on.

It has been said that it takes 20 years to master anything that requires the use of your hands. You’ve had your years of experience. They know when to be slow and gentle and when to be hard and demanding. I want to hold your hands in mine and feel them caress my face. I want to feel them holding me tightly against you. I want to drift off the sleep with your confident experienced hands holding my body close to yours. You’ll want this too. Everyone knows it’s nice to be held. You’ve learned it’s nicer to hold someone you love.

Your mouth shows the sign of years worth of smiles. It has kissed numerous foreheads, on occasion downed a few too many beers, and it knows just how to kiss the back of an unsuspecting neck. Your mouth has created laughter and spoken words of encouragement. It’s also a mouth that has said terrible things. In all of this you have learned to apologize and ask for forgiveness. You can do it with the sincerity of someone who understands how words can hurt. I want to press my lips against yours. I want to kiss you until you can only remember the sweetest of my words and I can only remember the sweetest of yours. You will want this too. You’ve learned that some hungers never go away but there is a sweetness that can make them bearable.

By the time your forty, you understand how your body works. You are more interested in mine. You enjoy watching my body reacts to your touch just as much as the feeling when I touch yours. You appreciate knowing what I like. It doesn’t intimidate you. I want to tell you what I like. I want my body to respond to your touch. I want you to put me first and make me want you. You’ll be happy to do this. You know there is nothing sexier than making a woman want you.

So you may lament the soft lines on your face, or the gray in your hair, or the inevitable effect of gravity but men over 40 know how to love and they know how to let a woman love. That is sexy. Way more sexy than any twenty-year-old would understand. There is a big difference between learning to love and living love. Men over forty are starting to live love. In my book, that’s the chapter titled Sexy.

My New Blog Mascot

What should I name him/her/it?

A Fly Went By and Then Things Got Weird

I wrote this for my daughter. She hasn’t been too impressed with the story lines in a few of the beginner reader books. I thought this might help. She wasn’t too impressed with this either. At least she’s remembering to shut the door.

A fly went by.
And then another.
Mom started to scream.
She started to shudder.

Get the flyswatter.
Get the raid.
Those flies can’t live.
The can was sprayed.

Down they dropped
Onto the floor.
One and two
Then three and four.

Tiny carcasses
All around.
Feet in the air.
Wings on the ground.

Mom was happy.
Filled with glee.
Can in hand
She looked at me.

Who left the door open?
It wasn’t me!
I backed towards the door
and started to flee.

Out the door
and down the street.
I’m lucky
I have fast feet.

I’ll live to see
another day
That’s more than
those fly can say!

Yes, I am aware that I have very promising future as a childrens book writer.  Thank you for mentioning it.

Warning: Don’t be a Responsible Parent!

There I said it. I know what you are thinking but you are misguided. You should NOT be a responsible parent. Why? Because you will raise responsible children.

The problem with raising responsible children is they actually return from playing next door. Before dinner. Just like you told them. They might even come home twenty minutes before dinner so they can help you set the table. That’s just wrong.

It’s wrong because you may have planned on using those twenty minutes to finish up some extra-curricular activities. You know, the kind that involves your spouse and lewd comments about appetizers. Activities you thought about to get you through your day even though you had a house full of seven screaming kids hopped up on Easter candy. The very activities you had planned down to the scantily clothed opening line of “So Honey, what do you want for dinner tonight?”

I know there are parents out there with young children and I hope you heed my warning before it is too late. Stop being responsible right now. There is nothing worse than biting into your favorite appetizer and spitting it out before you have the chance to enjoy its satisfying goodness. Also, getting your appetizers covered in the time it takes a nine-year old and her best friend to burst through the front door, up the stairs, and down the hall is do-able, but you may pull a hamstring. It’s not real good for your heart either.

You have been warned!

My husband though it was a good idea to leave this by my plate at dinner. To make up for the lack of appetizers.  He is lucky I think he’s cute when he’s grinning like that. 

It’s Easy to add Google Shared Items to your Sidebar

The Google documentation is hard to find and could use a little work but it is easy to add your shared or starred items to your sidebar. Here’s how to do it.

1. Click on the -manage subscriptions- link at the bottom of the left hand side of your Google Reader page.
2. Click on the -tags- link at the top of the manage subscriptions page.
3. Click the check box beside Your Shared Items and any other tag you want to share.
4. Select -public- from the Change Sharing drop down box.
5. Select -add a clip to your site- to the right of the tag you want to share and a new page will pop up.
6. Select the color scheme and # of items you want to share. The code will be displayed in a text box at the bottom of the window.
7. Cut and paste the code into your blog sidebar template or a text/html widget box. Save your template and your done.
8. Continue to read your feeds as usual and tag, share, and star your items as desired. Your sidebar will be automatically updated and everyone can see blog posts that have caught your attention.

Each tag has it’s own code so you can share links to a friends posts on your personal blog and links to technical articles on your work blog. Or you can put links to local blogs in one spot of your sidebar and links to your favorite recipes in another. Basically, you can make it your own, dawg. (I apologize for that last sentence. I blame it on the jelly beans.)

I hope that more people will add shared items to their sidebar. When I run out of posts in my Google reader lists I enjoy checking out my favorite bloggers Goggle lists. People usually highlight interesting posts from favorite blogs. I get the advantage of reading a good post as the first introduction to new blog. I think everyone benefits from that.

Other Thoughts About Google Shared Items:

GearFire – What is Social Feed Reading and 3 Reasons to Try it

The Zero Boss – How to Kill Your Blogroll with Google Reader Clips

Terry’s Technology Tidbits – Shared Items

Dev-Kids Den – Google reader Shared RSS as New Blog

Ron Schott’s Geology Home Companion Blog

Playgroups are No Place for Children - The Stress was Getting to Me

To Librarian - Sharing via Google Reader

What do you think?

Sweet Virginia Breeze

Looks like the breeze is blowing a little cold today.  Whats up with this?  It’s April. Those are dogwood blossoms under all that snow.

At least it’s starting to melt!  The new leaves on my Japanese maple are happy.

Sun & Earth Cleaners: My Opinion (Part 1)

A reader named Joe recommended Sun & Earth cleaners in the comments of my Environmental Friendly Cleaners Suck post. I went to the Sun & Earth web site and took advantage of the free sample offer. You have to create an account and pay $5.00 shipping to get the free sample but I wasn’t dissuaded. I wanted to try those cleaners and they are not listed as available in my area. I submitted my order and expected them to arrive sometime the following week. They arrived two days later just in time for my yearly monthly weekly cleaning.

I unpacked the package and looked over the 4oz. samples of cleaner. They looked the same as any other cleaner minus the day glow dyes. They listed the scent as Citrus. I sniffed each one. Here’s a summary

How They Smell

• Glass Cleaner: Peach Daiquiri [Note: Doesn’t taste like a peach daiquiri]
• Surface Cleaner: Tangerine
• Laundry Detergent: Slight orange
• Fabric Softener: Mrs. Jenkins Laundry room (good memory from childhood)
• Dish Soap: Orange mixed with very light cooking oil undertone

I was excited to try them out. I grabbed the glass cleaner and the surface cleaner and headed to the kids’ bathroom. The soap scum was waiting. The toothpaste was spattered on the mirror. I even spotted a slight ketchup smear on the light switch. It was time to test the cleaners.

Soap Scum Removal

The air was filled with maniacal laughter as I pointed the surface cleaner at the soap scum. I started to spray around the walls of the tub. As I worked my way back to where I started I gasped. The soap scum was dissolving and dripping down into the bottom of the tub. I gingerly touched the goop with my finger. It didn’t burn. I checked to make sure the porcelain wasn’t dissolving. This cleaner wasn’t messing around. I hardly had to wipe the tub at all and the soap scum was gone and the porcelain was intact. I sprayed the tub with warm water and it sparkled. I was satisfied. Next up, the sink.
 

Surfaces, Mirrors, and Faucet

Nothing as dramatic as the soap scum removal happened here. It did a good job and everything looked and smelled clean. I smiled as I grabbed the glass cleaner and a micro-fiber cloth. The mirror was next and after the soap scum success I was optimistic. Unfortunately I was disappointed. It didn’t clean any better than the method window wash and was worse than regular Windex. I read the back of the bottle and it said it did well on chrome. I tried it on the sink faucet and it redeemed itself slightly. My faucet was shiny and I was pleased. But there was still ketchup on the light switch and I noticed a weird stain on the wall.

Walls

The ketchup came off with a quick spray of surface cleaner and I decided to scrub the wall. It was a mistake. I sprayed the surface cleaner directly on my wall and the paint got gooey. At first I thought it was taking off a layer of accumulated goo. Then I looked at my cloth and realized it was turning the same color as my wall. I backed slowly away from the wall and it quickly dried with no obvious damage. The surface cleaner is way too powerful for the cheap paint you get at Home Depot. I wouldn’t recommend using it full strength on painted surfaces. A small spray on a damp cloth worked fine.
 

Summary

Overall, I would recommend the surface cleaner for soap scum and cleaning a sink or toilet. It does an excellent job. I’ll be ordering some from the web site with my $5.00 off your next order coupon they sent me with the free samples. The only suggestion I would have is to change the scent. The orange smell is good in the kitchen and living spaces but when mixed with bathroom smells I didn’t like it as much. A nice eucalyptus or mint smell would work better. Of course, I can always add a few drops of my favorite essential oil to the bottle. I’m just being picky.

The glass cleaner isn’t any better or worse than other environmentally friendly glass cleaners I have tried. I will probably buy whatever is easy to find and the least expensive.

Next up. Laundry detergent and fabric softener. I have two dogs. They will provide all necessary ingredients for a good test.

A Car was Hit by My Daughter

My kids went to play at a neighbor’s house yesterday. They live two houses down from us. Just a short scooter ride from our door to theirs. They made it there just fine. It was the coming home that presented a problem.

I was in the back yard playing with the puppies when I heard someone come running into the house and up the stairs. I went in to see what was up. Another neighbor was standing in the foyer.

“I just hit your daughter with my car” He said.

“Oh my God!” I shrieked and ran out the front door toward the street.

“No, No” He said. “She’s in there”

I ran back into the kitchen. My daughter was getting a Band-Aid out of the kitchen cabinet. I grabbed her and started ripping off her clothes looking for gaping wounds and signs of internal bleeding. She didn’t have any. Unless you count the small scrape on the palm of her hand.

The scene was a little hectic as I rapid fired question after question at my daughter. Does this hurt? How about this? How did you land? Where were you when the car hit you? Can you feel your feet? The fact that she had gotten up, rode her scooter home, and was in the process of getting a Sponge Bob Band-Aid when I got to her hadn’t sunk in yet.

I started to calm down a little then I noticed my over-weight middle age neighbor looked a little pale. I started to mentally go over the symptoms of a heart attack. Now I was worried about internal bleeding and a heart attack. I noticed my husband was also in the kitchen.

“Is there any damage to the car?” I asked. My neighbor looked at me like I was crazy.

My husband knew this meant go out inspect the car and determine the location and extent of damage. That way I can mentally recreate the collision, calculate the velocity of the impact, and determine if anyone is going to die before I can have them medivac-ed to the nearest trauma center.  It happened before after a sledding accident. “Did she knock the bark off the tree?!”

It turns out she took a wide left turn out of the driveway and the car took a wide right turn onto the road. She ran into the side of the car and fell sideways, landing on her rear end, into the ditch. It could have been much worse.

Thankfully, nothing was broken, there were no internal injuries or brain damage and no one had a heart attack. I may have burst a few blood vessels crying after she was safely in bed. I also can’t seem to let her out of my sight.

This isn’t going to do anything worthwhile for my over-protective tendencies. Does anyone know where I can buy some of those big orange cones and caution tape? I need to set up a 50-yard scooter zone from my front door to the house two doors down. Also some bubble wrap. I definitely need bubble wrap.