Pre-Halloween Statement

Tomorrow is Halloween. The oldest is going as a Goth Ninja and the youngest as a Nurse. We’re looking forward to spending the evening with my brother and his wife. We’re going to have homemade pizza and then go Trick-or-Treating with the girls.

They will get more candy than they will eat and less candy than they think they need. Along the way we will chat with a few neighbors and pretend to be scared of the scary costumes. The pretty costumes will get compliments. A few children will silly string something. A few others will get scared and go home. One might drag his bag until the candy falls out. Other kids will share theirs with him. Most will have fun just being out after dark in their costumes.

When it’s all said and done, tired children will crawl into bed holding onto the dimming glow of their light sticks and maybe a tootsie roll or two under their pillows.

You know, according the crazy christian at gymnastics, we’ll be worshipping satan. Just thought you should know. If you don’t hear from me in the next few days I’m busy cleaning up the goat entrails and washing the blood of sacrificed fetuses out of the carpet.

Screw you guys. I’m going trick-or-treating.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-cbpQqqRBo&rel=1]

Have a Happy Halloween!

Scarlet Red

You understood the blues.  Surely you understood the anger that could possess a young woman’s soul.  The angry passion that my heart desired was not how you chose to love me.

He understood that anger.  He nurtured it and controlled it.  He made beautiful designs of flesh and desire that you did not.  You were unprepared for the scarlet red of a young woman’s soul.  It was new for both of us.  He’d been there many times before.

You were shocked and speechless when my hand went back behind my head.  The sharp edges of a shattered wine glass flew from the wall and scratched our faces.  It only took you seconds to return my anger, to surpass it.  It consumed you.  Then you were ashamed.

There was sadness when I realized I had never loved you until the end.  Anger and violence had created a masterpiece and we were too scared to look.  So we went our separate ways.  You went back to your blues.  And my life, for a short time, turned the most wonderful shade of red.

Out To Lunch

Sometimes I wish I had a little room. Somewhere I would have to drive to get there, but not very far away. Somewhere I could be alone. It wouldn’t have to be too big.

Maybe an office. Just a small office in an old building. I could put a fancy sign on the door. ‘The Office of ImPerceptibility’ People would walk by and wonder what goes on in an office like that.

They wouldn’t be able to find out. I would put rice paper over the windows and another sign would be on the door. ‘Out to Lunch Will Return at’… and I would remove the little red arrows and leave them sitting by the stairs. I tend to have a weird sense of humor like that.

I could do wonderful things, or nothing at all. It wouldn’t matter. It would be my office, I would be alone, and it would be grand.

Seven Things That Have Hit Me in the Head

Seven Things That Have Hit Me in the Head:

1. A rock – We couldn’t find the baseball
2. The bottom of a table – Didn’t know my own height
3. A plastic swing – Got stitches in the back of my head from that one.
4. A sink – Slipped when I was standing on the bathroom sink. Stitches in my chin but they don’t show.
5. A ceiling fan blade – It hurt, but not as much as you would think.
6. A tree branch – Never hike behind a city boy
7. A large chunk of asphalt –

When we built the new section of our house, we also had to re-do our driveway. It’s an ugly asphalt drive and it’s old and cracked. It had to go. The best price we could get for removal was $2,500. Well, I have a husband, two kids, and a brother nearby with a tractor. We also found a company that would recycle the asphalt. Why not do it ourselves for the price of lunch and a steel digging bar?

Everything was going well. The first half came right up and the kids invited friends over to help break up the pieces. I must mention, you have not lived until you’ve seen five little girls swinging sledgehammers! They loved it. We got everything broken up and started loading the pieces. I bent over to pick up a piece and suddenly I felt a little dizzy and my head hurt. It took a second, but I came to the conclusion that I had been hit in the forehead by a fairly large piece of asphalt. Worse yet, it was launched from the hands of my favorite and only niece. My response was “Owww”

There was ice and some time on the couch. A little reassuring my niece that I wasn’t mad and it was an accident not a fault. As of now, I have a big lump on the left side of my forehead just above my eye. It doesn’t hurt too much but it looks bad. I think it makes me look tough. Or maybe I look too stupid to get out of the way of flying asphalt. Who knows? Either way the old driveway is now in a pile at the recycling center and I didn’t have to pay $2,500 for something that took us two hours to complete. Plus, if I work it right I won’t have to fix dinner either. I think I’m starting to feel dizzy. Yes, I should go lie down…

Discrete Packages

The doorbell rang at 10am today. It was the UPS man with a package. I was still in my nightgown because I was up late last night. I’d had just a bit too much wine and some yummy chocolates before bed. My husband was a grateful man when he left for work this morning. I was a tired woman.

I wasn’t expecting a package today so I inspected it with a bit of curiosity. It was discreetly labeled and addressed to my husband. Like a naughty child trying to guess their Christmas gifts, I shook it and squeezed it. It gave no clues as to the content. I considered opening it but it was addressed to my husband. I called him instead.

He told me it was for me but I couldn’t open it until he got home. He made it clear I had to wait and warned me not to let the kids get into it. My curiosity soared to new heights. I remembered some interesting pillow talk not too long ago. I put the package on my dresser and tried to forget about it. It seems to have some weird psychic connection with my brain. No matter what I’m doing I see it. It’s calling to me. I want to open it but I have to wait. And I will wait. But it won’t be easy.

It is now 11am and the kids go to bed at 9pm. That’s 10 hours. Let the countdown commence.

(UPDATED) Dress You Up for Halloween

I decided to dress you up for Halloween. By You I mean the people that have left a comment since 00:01 October 1, 2007.  Hope you guys like your new outfits. Hover over the pictures for descriptions and names. Click to go say hi!

So, what do you think I should be for Halloween?

[Updated: Fixed picture tags (title=" ") to work with Firefox]

I’m Feeling a Little Kinky Today

For some reason this just seems to fit my mood. Enjoy? I’m off to take the girls to the dentist. I’m looking forward to reading last years Sports Illustrated magazines! If I get a chance I’m going to dress you guys for Halloween. Wait for it.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HmaAPaP-h0]

I’m also taking up a collection for my children’s therapy. I was full-out Boss when they walked in. Children should never see their mother dance like that. They thought I was having a seizure. Curse you retro-lunch hour!

Trying Not To Fall

All I remember is they were building a fence.  A horse fence.  Not a cow fence.  Horse fences are made from wood and cow fences are made from barbed wire.  This one was for horses and only the bottom board was in place.

It wasn’t that high off the ground, but it seemed high to me.  I was going to walk on it; there was no doubt in my mind.  I only had to get the courage.  I knew I could do it, but there were obstacles to consider.  On one side of the fence was a muddy ditch and on the other, piles of manure.  I was going to have to be careful.  Very careful…

That’s what it seems like sometimes.  Like I’m walking along the top of that narrow fence trying not to fall.  My ankles are wobbly and my leg muscles are aching; hopping down is not an option.  I just concentrate on walking until I get to the end.  Once I’m there, I hop down full of pride and run through the pastures.  Somehow I always make it.  But, with every success there is still doubt.  I still worry that one day, if I’m not careful, I’ll end up covered in mud.  Or manure.  Or maybe even break my ankle.

Anyone Want to Try My Cookies?

Confessions of Guilt – A Partial Account of the Teenage Years

Mom, remember that time you found the coupon that said $2.00 off your next pregnancy test? I told you it came in my box of tampons. It didn’t. It came in the test we bought for K.  I say we because I decided the best way to keep the pharmacist from calling her mom was for six of us to show up and ask for the test. Then we all went to my house, because no one was home, and she took it. It was an agonizing three minutes. Thankfully she wasn’t knocked up.

Also, that ticket I got for littering, it was the remains of the test. We decided to dispose of it on a back road by throwing it out the car window. So no one would find it. We disposed of it right in front of a parked cop car. Ooops. I was afraid he was going to get it and present it as evidence in court.

Mr. C, you were so impressed with me when I got a perfect score on your killer the biology final. You kept praising me and telling me how smart I was. Well, you left the answer key face-up on your desk. I sat by your desk and I have really good eyesight.

Dad, you know that time I borrowed your car and the next day you found a stick stuck in the shocks? I pretended I had no idea how it got there. Well, I decided to go four-wheeling. Everyone else was going and I didn’t want to leave your car on the side of the road where someone drunker than us could hit it. It didn’t work too well until T. suggested hooking my car to the back of his truck with some chains. We had a great time! I’ve always wondered if that’s why the bumper fell off a few weeks later.

S., there was that night when I was mad at you because you were with another girl. I told you that I was with B. at M and R’s house “playing with his ferret”. I was really playing with his pet ferret. I took great pleasure in how angry and jealous you became. I had no idea you would get drunk and pick a fight with everyone that crossed your path.

There were two more negative pregnancy tests in the construction dumpster near the new sub-division, and one in the big trash bin by the water-slide. Apparently almost all teenage girls think they are pregnant the first time they have sex. I should have saved that coupon.

Mrs. B. I once pinched your husbands’ ass because I had a crush on him and thought that was what you did when you liked someone. He jumped up and squealed like a little girl then ran out of the room. That’s explains why he stopped letting me have sips of his beer.

Hon, I had no idea that my husband would one day work with the man who was the victim of my early teenage, ass pinching faux pas. That explains why he kept offering me beer at the Christmas part, yes?

There is more but I don’t think I can tell them, yet. Thanks for hearing my confessions!