Confessions of Guilt
D., do you remember that time you thought J. broke your bike horn and you punched him and made his lip bleed? Your dad got mad because you hit your little brother and chased you around the house hitting you with his belt. Well, I broke your horn. I felt bad because you wouldn’t have hit me, because I was a girl, and none of that would have happened.
Remember when your mom found the “magazine” hanging on a towel rack in the bathroom? Then she went on a pornography search and destroy mission. Well, the thing is, I was nine, and I found it in the bottom of a box of Ranger Rick and National Geographic magazines. For some reason I thought dirty magazines were supposed to be in the bathroom. Sorry about that.
Speaking of magazines, D. and D., the ones you kept in a ziploc bag under the leaves by your tree fort; I was the one who took them. I sold them to B. for $5.00. I bought a peach Nihi, a box of Hot Tomales, and a pack of Marlboro lights “for my dad”. I put the change in the container for Muscular Dystrophy. The cashier told me I had a beautiful heart. I don’t feel too bad because you stole them out of Mr. S’s mailbox.
Mrs. D. You know how proud you were that I went from getting F’s in spelling to perfect scores. The truth is, I figured out that you read the final test in reverse order of the pre-test. I would write out the words and keep it in the back of my notebook. Then I would pass the perfect paper forward when you collected them. Every once in a while I would misspell one so you wouldn’t get suspicious.
Mr. and Mrs. K, One night when I was babysitting for you, after the kids were in bed, I found a video. The homemade one with and X marked on the label. Damn, you were kinky! I was way too young to see that stuff and that’s why I never wanted to be around Mr. K again. I think people were worried there was more to it.
J., that window that you had to pay for because there was BB hole in it. You couldn’t figure out how you hit the window because you were always so careful. I wasn’t as careful as you were and I knew where you hid your co2 cartridges.
T. remember when Mr. W. said that you rode your dirt bike through his garden and you had to cut his grass all summer? Why would he say that if it wasn’t true? Because, I said you did it. J. really did it, but that morning you yelled at me and said I was stupid. J. felt bad for me and gave me half of his Almond Joy. I don’t feel the least bit bad about doing that.
That’s about it for the first twelve years of my life. Tomorrow, the next twelve years. Umm, then again maybe NOT.
Filed under Me in a Blog Post | Comments (8)Bodies, Bodies Everywhere!
I’ve had a busy few days. Fall is kicking my ass. There are just too many things to do. I’m exhausted. I can’t even think of a good comment for all the lovely posts you’ve written. I’m pathetic.
I don’t suppose it helps that it feels like August around here. Fall activities are meant to be done in cooler weather. That’s why you do them in the Fall not the Summer. Have you ever been on a hayride in humid 90-degree weather with dust from the overly dry road in your face? Not fun. So, I’m pathetic and not having any fun.
We have finished up the bedroom and bathroom. That’s a plus. Now we have the closets to finish and we need to put the new floor in our old bedroom. Everything is still a mess around here because I have no closets and it’s still driving me crazy. That means I’m pathetic, crazy, and not having any fun.
Yesterday we finally made it to Bodies The Exhibition in Rosslyn. I was worried the girls wouldn’t like it. They both enjoyed it. The oldest got a little grossed out with the skin display and the youngest didn’t like the spinal cord but everything else fascinated them. It was very well done and I’m happy we decided to go. The problem is, last night I dreamed that the circulatory system was spun sugar candy and I was gobbling up one of the displays. I think that makes me psychopath.
Therefor, I’m a pathetic, crazy, psycho that is not having any fun. Leave a comment if you dare. I’ll get back to you. Oh yes I will.
*Cue maniacal laughter*
Filed under Construction, Too Much Caffeine? | Comments (4)Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy
Yeah, that title was for the search engines, but the story is for you. I know how you enjoy public humiliation stories.
When my oldest daughter was three we would stop by a local Chinese restaurant to have lunch with my mom. We did this every week and we all looked forward to it. My oldest also looked forward to the bouncy ball machine on the way out. Each week she would get a quarter from Grandma and hope for a red ball. Each week she would get every other color but red.
She was so good about it. She never whined or cried. She would say, “I’ll get one next time.” I was very impressed with her patience and optimism. Each week I hoped she’d get a red one.
Then one week it happened. She put her quarter in the slot and turned the dial. The look of joy on her face told the story before I even spied the little red ball in her grasp. She held it up as if she had just won the gold Olympic medal and proudly showed it to everyone in the restaurant. At this point, I had no idea this ball would lead to my bloody downfall.
We started to walk to our car when it happened. The red ball broke it way free from her tiny hands and started bouncing across the parking lot. In shock, I stood and looked at it for a second. Then I realized it was swiftly bouncing it way to the storm drain. This is when my super-powers kicked in.
I tossed the baby I was carrying to my mom and took off with super-human speed toward the wayward ball. There was only one thought in my mind and that was “There is no way in Hell that ball is going down the drain!”
Time seemed to stop. The world shrunk to me, a red ball, and the gaping mouth of a hungry storm drain. The ball was bouncing closer and closer to its demise, but I was closing in. It was just out of my reach when my progress was abruptly halted by a pothole; a fairly deep one at that.
My foot went in the hole and stopped. The rest of me kept on going until it hit the asphalt. It took a few seconds to figure out what had happened and get back up. My elbow and knees were scrapped and my ankle didn’t feel so good. At this point it didn’t bother me. I was more worried about the lost ball.
My daughter walked over to the storm drain, about to have the temper tantrum of her life, when she suddenly reached down and came running back. The ball had stopped about three inches from the opening. I was so happy until I realized I was bleeding. I was deciding if I was going to cry or yell when my youngest decided to yell for me. “Mommy BOOM!” We all started to laugh. It was the better option.
So my daughter finally got her red bouncy ball. The lunch crowd at the Chinese restaurant got some entertainment. And somehow, I got all the credit for saving the ball. When my daughter told the story, I bounced so hard on the ground it made the ball stop rolling. It’s great to be a hero.
Filed under Too Much Caffeine? | Comments (3)Potato Recipes
Since I am not the type of person to deny an expectant mother a potato recipe, I am posting potato recipes. These are my top three potato recipes based on compliments received over the last 10-12 years. Enjoy.
Potato Casserole
Serves 2-4 people depending on how hungry they are
- 4 Boiled, peeled and diced potatoes
- ½ Cup American Cheese (Cheddar works well also)
- ½ Cup Mayonnaise
- ¼ Cup Chopped Onion (optional)
- Salt and pepper to taste
- ¼ lb. Partially fried bacon, chopped
- 1/8 Cup sliced chopped olives
Mix 1st four ingredients. Place in a 9X9-casserole pan. Top with bacon and olives. Bake 1 hour at 325.
(Notes: I boil the potatoes until they fall off a fork when I poke them. Then I drain and mix them with the other ingredients. They break up fine and you don’t have to burn your fingers chopping them. This recipe can be doubled, tripled, halved, whatever and it it’ll turn out fine. Leftovers re-heat well.)
Potatoes Anna
Serves 4-8 people depending on how much they want
- 2 T Butter
- 1 T Kosher Salt
- 3 Large Potatoes (About 4 Cups)
Melt butter with salt. Slice raw potatoes about ¼ inch thick. In greased 8-inch pie plate, arrange potatoes so they look nice, overlapping them; Drizzle butter/salt over the top. Cover with foil and bake for 20 mins. At 450. Uncover and bake 55 mins. or more until potatoes are tender and top is crispy. Let stand five minutes. Then you are supposed to remove the pie from the pan and cut into wedges. This has never worked for me so I serve it from the pie plate. It still tastes good.
Potato Soooprize
Serves however many you want to serve and the rest of them too.
- Chop one good-sized potato for each person into 1″ cubes.
- Melt 1T butter or Olive Oil per potato.
- Add a little salt and pepper and whatever seasoning you feel like adding to the oil.
Toss potato cubes in the expertly seasoned oil and spread into single layer on a baking sheet or casserole dish. The Casserole dish is less messy. Cover loosely with foil and bake at 350 until they are tender. Turn oven up to 450; remove foil and quickly brown outside.
Filed under Recipes | Comments (5)