ImPerceptibility

Archive for January, 2008

You know how bloggers have special days like wordless Wednesday, manic Monday, and stuff? Well I had a few glasses of wine tonight and I was trying to think of an F word that would work for Friday. I think I found one. Furniture Friday! It might catch on.  What do you think?

NSFW but I think Ed will like it.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mznb1RN_IpA&rel=1]

There isn’t a whole lot that can really make me mad. I get irritated. I get annoyed. I occasionally get perturbed. I usually just take the crap and forget about it. I’m “a very patient person”. Many people have told me this. They are wrong but they tell me this. I’m telling you this now so you can understand. I want you to understand why there is now a stockade style fence across a small portion of my backyard.

It’s the small portion that connects to the home of the crazy old lady that sits on her back deck in her nightgown at 2:00 in the afternoon. She amuses herself by staring into my backyard, where my children are playing, and smoking cigarettes. She also has a bad habit of thinking she knows more than anyone else in the world. She demonstrates this by starting conversations and not giving anyone else a chance to speak. Let me give you an example:

“Your dogs are barking way too much.”

“They are puppies and just getting use to being here. You can try talking to them through the fence or giving them a treat. Once they get to know you…

“No! That would be rewarding their behavior. You need to get your dogs training.” Blah blah blah a bunch of other crap. Her head is so far up her own ass there is really no reason to type the rest up.

I basically just ignored her and the puppies got used to their surrounding and stopped barking as much. Except for when they see her.

A few weeks later the dogs were barking and I opened the kitchen window to tell them to stop.

“This is getting to be a disturbance!” She shouted at me from her deck.

I stood there and felt the pressure in my head increase. She then went on to tell me my dogs, the ones that only bark at strangers and her, not even the mail lady, needed training. I was down the stairs and headed to the back fence faster than you can say I was fuckin’ pissed. She was smart enough to go inside before I got there. I did something that resembles the riverdance mixed with air traffic controller hand signals.

I called my husband and he gave me loud instructions to tell her to kiss my ass. Instead, I went and talked to the other neighbors. No one had a problem.

“They hardly bark at all.”
“I’m outside all the time. They just ignore me”
“Huh? Is she a wacko?”
“They bark a few times when they first see me then just run off”
“You know dogs can smell evil. You better watch her.”
“Maybe you should suggest pain in the ass neighbor training?”
“I’d guess that either she’s done something to upset them, or she reminds them of someone who has”

I was now confident that I hadn’t missed the fact that my dogs had a terrible barking problem. So I decided to build a fence. A tall fence. A stockade style fence. Just in case, a fence that prevented anyone from bothering my dogs. It was to be the type of fence that made a point.

One of our neighbors helped and it was up in two days. There were suggestions from others as to proper fence decorations. I didn’t use any of them but they were good ideas.

Acoustical foam. Gang graffiti. Satanic symbols (She’s extremely religious). Nasty hand signs. A beware of dogs sign. Razor wire. And my personal favorite, a mural of my dogs barking.

During the construction she came over and told my husband that the dogs barked at her because they were bored. I wasn’t aware she had a degree in dog psychology. I am aware that she had a cat. It ran away.

These dogs have a whole yard of toys. Between 2 and 7 children to play with on a daily basis, and since I’m home most of the day plenty of attention. My husband told her she was the only person around here with a problem. She shut up. I hope it lasts. I hope that good fences do in fact make good neighbors. We’ll see.

[Update: Since this was written she has adopted a dog. It barks way more than my two and suddenly the barking doesn’t bother her anymore. So far, I have resisted the urge to tell her to get her dog some training. But I think about it and chuckle to myself sinisterly.]

We spent the afternoon playing with pixels. It was fun and they turned out very silly. I’m going to have to print them out and put them on the fridge. They make me smile.

 Woman with boogers in hair

`Swimming man

 Cave woman vampire

This picture was taken by a friend of a friend.  It was taken at the stoplight in front of the Ferry Farm Wal-Mart in Fredericksburg, VA.  I’m not sure what to say other than I don’t drive a VW and I knew I had to post this. 

I think it might be kinda like porn for some of you.  (NSFW or Ed:) This picture was the first thing I thought of and I think that might be wrong.  But, one good porn deserves another. Right?

Ed had this on his blog and I decided to try it. Then I decided to try it again. It was a slow night and MyHusband was in Pennsylvania. I didn’t cheat. These are exactly as they came up. I only put the songs I don’t want my kids to hear (Sex, drugs, and profanity) and a playlist of slow songs to put me to sleep on my music player so it’s an odd list…I am so happy Conway Twitty didn’t come up. It would be embarrassing if anyone knew I listened to that. :)

Here are the instructions:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4. NO CHEATING.

Q: What does next year have in store for you?
Love Me Tender – Tony Bennett
Show Me Your Love – The Rembrandts

Looks like a lovely year

Q: What does your love life look like next year?
Catch My Disease – Ben Lee
Play That Funky Music – Wild Cherry

Umm, huh? Moving on.

Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
Take it Easy – The Eagles
Rest for the Weary – Marc Cohn

Let It Be – Beatles would work better here

Q: Song that reminds you of good times?
Me and Julio Down by the School Yard – Paul Simon
Dancing in the Dark – Bruce Springsteen

No so much.

Q: What do you think when you get up in the morning?
Tequila Sunrise – Alan Jackson
Dead and Broken – Alkaline Trio

Nope, I think ‘Why do I have to tell the kids every morning to let the dogs out?’

Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
Alcohol – Brad Paisley
Burning Moonlight – Toby Keith

Getting drunk and having sex in a truck. That’s why I had to get married in the first place!

Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
Rock for Sustainable Capitalism – Propagandi
The Things We’ve Handed Down – Marc Cohn

Nope.

Q: Your favorite saying?
How to Fail – Black Eye Affair
C’mon Quinn – Tim Barry

Not mine but my favorite from the songs “God Damn, girl, you’re making me insane. You’re perfect in every way I ain’t” I’m a sucker for a good love song.

Q: Favorite place?
I’m Just Talking About Tonight – Toby Keith
Goodbye Stranger – Supertramp

Makes sense. My favorite place is anywhere I haven’t been.

Q: Most Missed Memory?
Visiting Day – Dead To Me
Let Your Love Flow – Bellamy Brothers

I don’t get this one. I’ll have to think about it.

Q: What song describes your best friend?
Baby King – Marc Cohn
Goodnight – The Rembrandts

“You’ve given me the moon. Oh of this you are unaware” Yeah, that works.

Q: What song describes your ex?
Old Blue Chair – Kenny Chesney
Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes – Paul Simon

Maybe “Old White Truck” and “Dung on the Soles of His Shoes”

Q: Where would you go on a first date?
Burning Moonlight – Toby Keith
As Good As I Once Was – Toby Keith

Ohh, I get it. Having sex in a truck with a redneck. Been there. Done that.

Q: Drug of choice?
Only Wanna Be With You – Hootie and the Blowfish
Hard to Admit – Off With Their Heads

No Comment

Q: What song describes yourself?
Books About Miles Davis – The Ergs!
Sweet Virginia Breeze – Robbin Thompson

Weird. My screen name back when I did MUDDs was Virginia Breeze

Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
Bad Intentions – Broadway Calls
Heartache Tonight – The Eagles

I agree.

Q: The song that best describes the president?
I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow – Soggy Bottom Boys
‘Dozer Rage – Latterman

Some things just speak for themselves.

Q: Where will you be in 10 years?
Teddy Bear – Tanya Tucker
The Light From You Window – Bottle Rocket

Well, that’s kinda disturbing.

Q: Your love life right now?
She’s Becoming Gold – Marc Cohn
December, 1963(Oh What a Night) – Franki Valli & The Four Seasons

Could be worse.

Q: What is your state of mind like at the moment?
Hurts So Good – John Mellencamp
Take It to the Limit – Suzy Bogguss

I swear, I didn’t cheat.

Q: How will you die?
Paper Walls – Marc Cohn
You Sexy Thing – Hot Chocolate

I guess I’m going to die having sex.

That’s it. Now you try it and tell me how it turns out. I made a list of the questions without answers you can copy.

Q: What does next year have in store for you?
Q: What does your love life look like next year?
Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
Q: Song that reminds you of good times?
Q: What do you think when you get up in the morning?
Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
Q: Your favorite saying?
Q: Favorite place?
Q: Most Missed Memory?
Q: What song describes your best friend?
Q: What song describes your ex?
Q: Where would you go on a first date?
Q: Drug of choice?
Q: What song describes yourself?
Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
Q: The song that best describes the president?
Q: Where will you be in 10 years?
Q: Your love life right now?
Q: What is your state of mind like at the moment?
Q: How will you die?

Someone once told me the terrible two’s were a look into the upcoming teenage years. I chose not to listen to this bit of wisdom because my daughter was a terrible-terrible two. There is not freakin’ way I concluded as I watched my sweet then 4yo playing nicely with her friends and never causing even the slightest problem. This morning I started to re-think my position.

It started with “Don’t talk to me like that. I’m your mother”

It then moved to, “You want to act like a 2yo then I’ll treat you like one. Go stand in the corner.” Yes, I made my almost 11yo stand in the corner. In my defense, the last time she acted like that she was two. I was unprepared.

Apparently, I am not the boss of her, I’m mean, and she wishes she were living in an orphanage.

It eventually ended up with her computer and radio power cords sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor. Her little sister is getting $2.35 to feed and take care of her Webkins until she can go on-line again.

Right now everything is calm. I made spinach noodles for lunch and no one is screaming, crying, or sitting red-faced and scowling with their arms crossed in front of them. The fact that I am the boss of every power cable in the house seems to have made an impression. I hope it lasts because I don’t think I can stand another morning like that anytime soon.

Here’s a story from about five or six years ago. It’s funnier now than it was then.

[Update: I wrote this to a friend a long time ago when she asked how I came up with my lemon bar recipe. I changed a few things and made it more like a blog post.  Now that I think about it, it would be funnier if I had a big box of tampons instead of lemon juice.   That might be too much.  What do you think? :)] 

So, I’m standing in line at Wal-Mart with a box of condoms, a pregnancy test, and a large bottle of lemon juice. People were staring at me but I pretended not to notice. I had more important things to worry about.

How I ended up at Wal-Mart with the odd mix of items in my basket actually started at dinner the night before. I fixed steak, baked potatoes and salad. I was having a baked potato and salad. My daughter decided she didn’t want to eat her steak. Uneaten food is not a problem in our house. The problem was the unfinished meat. It was sitting there taunting me.

“Bite me.” It said. “Just take a little bite. You’ll like it.”

I figured a small bite would be OK. Then I figured another little bite would be better. Before I knew what I was doing, I had eaten the entire steak and was licking steak sauce off my lips. It was good, until my husband decided to add his commentary.

“The last time I saw you eat meat like that, you were pregnant with our oldest.”*

I think his teasing may have caused a panic attack. The last thing I wanted was another baby. I was barely surviving the two I had. The next thing I remember I was laying on the couch in the fetal position softly singing John Denver songs. It was scary.

I got up bright and early the next morning and headed to Wal-Mart. I found the pregnancy test and threw it in my basket. Then I passed the condoms. I don’t think I was thinking clearly. I was thinking,

“I’m probably not pregnant and I’m never having sex again. MyHusband will probably want to have sex again. I will encourage him to take a second wife. He’ll probably want some condoms.”

I was walking around thinking about how great it would be to have someone else around the house. Since I was the first wife I could boss her around. She could do the laundry, dishes, and my husband. I could walk around happy because I’m not pregnant. The fantasy was getting pretty intense when I remembered that Mom wanted me to make some lemon bars so I went back and grabbed some lemon juice.

So there I was, standing in line with an EPT, rubbers, and squeezed lemons on the conveyor belt. People were staring at me and I didn’t care. I had started to think about little baby toes and silky baby hair. I was remembering how good it felt to have a tiny warm body snuggled up next to me. The sight if first teeth, first smiles, first everythings were running through my mind.

“I guess you’re hoping your not,” the rude cashier said jostling me out of my memories. I scowled at her because I believe it’s a law in at least seven southern states, including Virginia, that you are not allowed to make small talk with someone purchasing either a pregnancy test or a box of condoms. I had both. She’s lucky I didn’t report her.

“No, right now I’m hoping I am. I’ll get over it.” I told her.

I went home and the second line never showed up on the test. I decided a second wife probably wouldn’t be a good idea and that I might have sex again. It all worked out. Except for the lemon bars. They didn’t taste like I wanted. I spent months working on a new recipe. It was a good distraction.

* This was true. I left in the middle of work one day and drove to the supermarket. I was consumed with desire. Even though I didn’t eat beef, I HAD to have a bag of beef jerky. Then I drove back and sat in the computer lab gnawing away at it and daring anyone to say something about eating in the lab. I thought I had lost my mind. I found out a week later that I was six weeks pregnant. I then figured out loosing your mind and pregnancy are closely related.

“In middle school they label you like a soup can.”

That’s what my older daughter told me when we were driving to the store. I waited for her to continue and in a few minutes she did.

“T. says I could be a prep because I am tall, thin, and pretty. I’d have to make my hair blonde though.”

“We could pick up some hair color at the store.” I said. My heart was hoping she would say no. Just in case, I prepared my speech.

“I don’t want to have blonde hair. Maybe some highlights.”

I breathed a little easier.

“Preps don’t like to get dirty. I do.”

I recalled the many loads of grass stained jeans and muddy sneakers I have washed over the past 10 and a half years.

“I could be a tomboy” She told me. “Or an athlete. I like sports.”

She went on to tell me about all the labels she could be. I listened but my heart felt heavy. I didn’t want her to label herself. I didn’t want anyone else to do it either.

“So, have you figured out what you are?” I asked after a few minutes.

“I’m a homeschooler, I guess.”

I was a bit apprehensive when I asked her about the homeschooler label.

“It means I can be anything I want.”

My heart was no longer heavy. I hoped she would feel that way for the rest of her life.

I parked the car and told her to take her preppy, brainy, athletic, goth tomboy rear-end over to get a cart. I had a big smile on my face. Until the youngest chimed in.

“I want to color my hair purple!”

Quite awhile back I put the first part of this.  For some reason it’s been getting a lot of search traffic the last month or so. Every time I see the page title show up in my logs I wish I had either not posted it or posted the whole thing. It just feels like unfinished business.  So I’m going to post the whole thing. I don’t know if it’s any better or worse. It’s what I wanted to say. I guess that counts for something.

Sometimes,
I want to melt you
Like the ocean melts the sand
I will be unrelenting

Flowing over the surface
Caressing your skin
Smoothing the edges

I want to be like the waves
Shaping the shore
Making everything new

Other times,
I want you to destroy me
Like violent surf against the shore
I will be unrepentant

You scratching the surface
Marking my skin
Soothing my desires

I want to be like a storm
Destroying the shore
So I can start over

You will allow me
And I will love you
Because you never ask why

We had a first snow awhile back. It wasn’t much of a snow but it was enough. The next day we had lots of ice which led to lots of people sliding on the ice and into ditches or other cars. This of course leads to all the people from “up north” telling us that we don’t know how to drive in the ice and snow. Duhh.

We are well aware that we don’t know how to drive in the snow and ice. We are also aware that you guys don’t know how to use the freakin’ boat ramp.  We don’t feel the need to announce it on the radio.  

Not knowing how to drive in the snow is nothing new. That is why we have farm boys with tractors and big ‘ole trucks. They pull you out of the ditch and send you down the road to the next slid-off spot. It’s a time-honored tradition and it use to work fine. Get with the game.

Just so you know, we probably will never know how to drive well under those conditions because we don’t have to. I for one love the idea of taking off the three or four icy days a year. It works for me. I have no incentive to change and I won’t. So, shut up.

You should also be aware that the extent of my winter driving training consisted of the following:

“Don’t drive in the ice. If you’re stupid or you have to, then drive very slowly. That way you won’t cause as much damage when you wreck.”

That wasn’t a joke. That is what I was told. I think you might understand the problem now. I hope you also understand that I don’t think I have a problem. To each their own.

Anyway, it’s snowing hard right now. I hope we get a foot or two. I see snowmen in my future. My car is in the garage where it belongs. Pass the hot cocoa. Extra marshmallows, please.