Turbulence

For Anthony. Hope your flight has enough turbulence to keep things interesting but not enough to bring you down. Unless you’re going down in a good way. Then that OK.

Full sized image

And it Rhymes Too. Sorta.

I was thinking about this last night as I was falling asleep. Last night it was full of carefully crafted phrases and well planned imagery. It was actually quite good last night. At least that’s how I remember it. Somehow when I typed it up this morning it turned out very different. If you mix in a little Loretta Lynn it goes down easier.

Last night I made love to you
I thought you’d like to know
I had a bit to drink
It was quite a show

“When you turn out the light
I’m who you want me to be
There’s nothing wrong with that”
That’s what he said to me

I leaned over and turned the switch

It seems I was Jennifer Aniston
Didn’t know until he called her name
I had to think about that a minute
Then decided it was all the same

So, you made love to Jennifer Aniston
I thought you’d like to know
I hope it was good for you.
It was quite the show.

But, tonight the light will stay on
That how it’s gonna be
The only show I want tonight
Is the one with him and me
That’s how it should be

Here’s to you, Jennifer Aniston:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxbkOpa09Qg]

Protected: First Statement

I believe that children give us clues to their personality even before they are born. Some babies are active others are more still. Some are born screaming and others are quiet. My oldest, once she finally decided to start breathing, started screaming. That lasted until, well she’s still loud. My youngest is a bit more subtle with her emotions but she has always managed to express herself in her own way. This picture was taken just a few hours after she was born. I think she let us all know exactly what she was thinking.

You Asked!

Today I shall use my blog for good and answer important questions I have received via search engine.

1. Dogs gone wild that fuck people – Chico, California

I don’t know what’s going on in Chico, California but it sounds bad. I have a few West Coast readers and I hope you are being safe. Be sure to take all necessary precautions. Don’t walk alone. Be aware of your surroundings at all time. Don’t walk in areas with high hydrant concentrations. And for christ sake DO NOT bend over anywhere near a dog park. I hope this problem is resolved soon.

2. I found my special purpose – Bakersfield, California

Hooray! Now go put it to good use. Write home to Ma.

3. My dog jumped on me and started fucking me – Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Holly crap! It’s moving east. You heard it here first. Get your kids inside and lock your doors. Cover your windows with duct tape and plastic. Buy batteries and report any suspicious looking dogs to homeland security.

4. See my big rack – Brisbane, Australia

No thanks. I have my own.

5. 20,000 bottle rockets – Grand Forks, North Dakota

You are so gonna be on the news.

6. Caffeine condoms – Los Angeles, California

Possibly a new product from Starbucks? No, probably Dunkin’ Donuts. Wait. Wasn’t someone from the LA area talking about buying condoms not too long ago?

7. Imperceptible used in a sentence – Chicago, Illinois

I want to state for the record that I have never been used in a sentence. Once in the back seat of a car. And there was that bar in Virginia Beach. But never a sentence! The nerve of some people.

8. Should myhusband spank me? – West Point, New York

ImP: Someone wants to know if you should spank them.
MyHusband: Have you been naughty?
Imp: No! Someone on my blog.
MyHusband: Ohh, Nahh, you’re the only woman I want to spank.
Imp: Awwwh, you’re so sweet.

Sorry. You could try Craigslist.

That concludes the public service portion of this blog post. Be safe, stay happy, and watch out for dogs.

So, What’s Up With You?

Where have I been? Mostly lazy and bored. I did manage a trip to Bryce Mountain so we could throw ourselves down a mountain redneck style. It was fun.

It got really cold when the sun went down.

That was more fun. The snow turned to ice and the lanes were fast.

Then we watched the space station go overhead. I don’t have a picture of that. Just imagine a bright star that moves kinda fast.

Besides that, nothing going on here. Unless you want to hear about growing paramecium. Something tells me you don’t. I’m planning to spice things up this afternoon with a trip to the library. I hope I don’t over do it. Hope things are less boring for you.

I Got Pucked. Twice.

Not too long after I met MyHusband he stopped by my desk to tell me he was going home for the night. Then he asked me if I wanted the rest of his M&Ms. I told him goodnight and thank you, and wondered why his friend was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Later that night I poured a handful of M&Ms out of the bag and turned to the girl that worked with me. “Look! They are all green. What’s the chance of that?”

I poured some for her and they were all green as well. We ripped open the bag and all of them were green. She started laughing loud enough to draw a crowd and people started coming in and laughing at my bag of M&Ms. I was clueless. Eventually someone realized that I was actually clueless and not pretending to be clueless. She explained that green M&Ms were supposed to be an aphrodisiac. I was both thrilled and surprised.

Not too long after that we were going on a date to a hockey game. We were leaving from work. Before we left one of the girls insisted that I have some of her M&Ms and poured them into my hand. A piece of paper fell out.

“These are the new fortune M&Ms,” She said.

I knew I was once again the victim of an M&M related joke but I had no choice. I opened up the piece of paper and read my fortune.

She who go to hockey game get pucked.

I laughed and plotted my revenge.

I came in the next day fully prepared for the questions and jokes. I was not disappointed.

“All I’m saying is I had a great time and my fortune came true” I told them as I grabbed a hockey puck out of my coat pocket and held it up for everyone to see.

Everyone started to laugh. Then I grabbed another one out of my other pocket. “Twice.” One guy laughed so hard he fell out of chair. I just stood there pretending to be clueless.

That’s why when I saw the bag of all green M&Ms I had to buy them for MyHusband. I had planned on leaving them buy his chair when he got home from work. I hadn’t planned on finding this on the table when I got up this morning.

I don’t care what anyone says. That there is romance!

Fuck You, Tim Barry

In my dream musicians and writers, poets and preachers, artists and politicians surrounded me. There were many emotions but none of them were gentle. They criticized, they scolded, they were unyielding. Arrogant polished words gleaned from an expensive education and years of being told they were special floated around the room assaulting my better judgment. “This is what happens when you get too much of what you want,” I thought. I covered my ears with my hands.

“Proving you’re right isn’t the same thing as being right,” I shouted at them. They didn’t hear me. They never do. They never want to hear me anymore.

I went outside and sat against the wall with my knees pressed against my chest. I sucked the smoke deep into my lungs and exhaled violently. Blowing away the feelings that I didn’t want to have.

For some reason, only known to my subconscious, Tim Barry walked up to me. He said something I don’t remember. It purged my emotions like a stomach flu purges the digestive track. (I know that wasn’t pretty but it was fitting) Then he patted me on the head like Andy Griffith would pat Opie.

“But why?” I asked. “Why can’t they? I don’t want to be alone.”

“There are worse things to be than alone,” he said. “Not everyone has enough heart to turn a one night stand into a summer long romance. What you want you have to do for yourself. They won’t help you. They don’t know how.”

I spoke with the voice of a young child. “I know that’s true. I’ve always known that was true.” Then I kicked dirt on him. “Fuck you for making me say it’s true.”

“You’re welcome,” he said.

I woke up crying even though I wasn’t sad.

And This in a Southern State!

I was reading an article about the Virginia primary results when I came across this.

And 49 percent of those who voted for Obama were white, a big change from previous contests in which Clinton held a big lead over Obama among white Democrats.

“We haven’t seen that happen this strikingly before, and this in a Southern state,” said CNN senior political analyst Bill Schneider.

What exactly is your point Mr. Schneider? As a senior political advisor you must be aware that Virginia was the first state (southern or not) to elect an African American governor. Guess what, we’re not all backward racist hicks.

For the record, the most racist place I have ever visited (and I mean scary racist) was Connecticut. I believe that is a northern state. ‘Course I haven’t been learned that well so I might be wrong.

There are Silly People in my Computer

I’m going to leave them here for a while. Until I decide if I want to work on them anymore. I like that filter on the witches face. I can’t make the lines smooth because I could use a graphics tablet and a scanner for my birthday. :)

Dog Gone!

Ed (zoesdad) on Lightly Powder Scented

Recent Posts

• Lightly Powder Scented
• Too Funny
• Keep a Hand on the Light Switch
• I’m a Quitter
• Confusion on the Catfish Hodge

SPAM!