Good Night

I wasn’t going to post this because I’m not sure I like it but then I remembered this post and here it is. Enjoy, or not. It’s OK with me either way.

Books From the Library

When I was in grade school we didn’t have a school library but we would walk to the public library once a week and check out books. One day I wanted to get a book about Helen Keller from the young-adult section. The teacher told me I couldn’t because it was too hard for me to read. The librarian, a wonderful woman I love to this day, told her she should let me, but the teacher wouldn’t. She got me a book about Helen Keller from the kids’ section. She didn’t want me to be discouraged.

When I got home I showed my mom the books I had gotten and told her I wanted the big book but the teacher had said it was too hard for me. She stopped in the middle of cooking dinner and drove me back to the library.

I tried reading the book but it was too hard for me. I don’t remember being traumatized by this. I just read bits and pieces and returned it to the library when it was due.

I’m really glad my mom did that. I learned a lot more than the story of Helen Keller that day. I think that has influenced my decision to allow my children to check out any book that they want when I take them to the library. I’ve always enjoyed seeing what catches their interest from week to week.

This week I was in for a bit of a surprise. My oldest came walking out of the book stacks with this book. The Complete Idiots Guide to Caring for Aging Parents. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I should be offended or thankful that she cares. I think I’ll go with thankful.

I Can’t Think of a Title

I’m not feeling well today. Perhaps the virus that is taking over my body started yesterday with my brain. That might explain why I posted pictures of huge-ass underwear and threatened to buy MyHusband extra small condoms. Then again, maybe not. Who knows? So, instead of risking another post like that I am stealing a comic from Bill at Frowning of a Lifetime. If you haven’t seen his comics you should go now. They’re a lot of fun and he’s getting very good. Just don’t ask him to make tea. Trust me on that one.

Men, Don’t Let This Happen to You

I keep a list of odds and ends I need to pick up from different stores. Sometimes MyHusband will be going out and he’ll take the list and pick up what I need. This happened a few weeks ago. I was kinda tired and grumpy so he decided to take the kids to Target, and he took the Target list. My Target list looked something like this

Tights – (Youngest)
Raincoat – (Oldest)
Socks – (MyHusband)
Pack of underwear – Me

I didn’t think about it. At least not until he came home.

“They didn’t have your size underwear so I bought the largest ones they had. The saleslady said they didn’t carry underwear in your size.”

A little confused, I cocked my head to the side and pulled the pack of underwear out of the bag. Then I opened the package and held them up for him to see. He turned a little pale.

“Exactly how big do you think my ass is?” I asked him.

He sat down in his chair and pondered the question while wearing the classic deer in the headlight look.

After a brief discussion in which we discussed that panty size and pants size is not the same thing we started to see the humor in the situation.

I know he didn’t mean anything by it, but next time I’m at the pharmacy, I’m buying some extra small condoms. All’s fair in love and war.

Five Things That Prove I’m Crazy(ier Than You Thought)

1. After my husband leaves for work I scoot over to his side of bed, because it smells like him. Then I snuggle up with his pillow and pretend we just made love.

2. I spontaneously burst into song at weird moments. I’m not a good singer. I don’t care. Last night I finished the dishes then stood in the doorway and sang a verse of Dixie Land. MyHusband and the girls giggle and ignore me. Next time I’ll sing it with a French Accent. (Listen to it. It’s worth it)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1wAnyWvjZo&hl=en]

3. I can’t go to sleep unless the closet door is closed.

4. I sort M&M’s by color then arrange them into triangles. I can make as many triangles as I want but each row has to be all the same color. Then I eat each side until I’m down to one. I suck on the last one until it melts.

5. When strangers stand too close to me in a line I fantasize about farting on them. One time I did and then I made a funny face and pretended he did it. Everyone completely fell for it.

So, anyone brave enough to tell me about some of your craziness? I’m in the mood for crazy tonight.

More Funny People

This is how I remember the guy at Circuit City. He kept staring at me. I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed and walked off.

Why I Don’t Play Pool

At this point in my life I have come to conclusion that not only do I not know how to play pool, I should never try and learn. I believe if you did a detailed astrological chart of my birth there would in fact be a pool cue with a circle around it and inside that, across the center, would be a big red line. I am almost certain of this and there have been many instances throughout my life to reinforce this belief. I’ll list them:

1. At about the age of eight I was playing pool at my dad’s friend’s house. He was a loud crotchety old man with a foul mouth. Even though my dad told me he was harmless, I was kinda afraid of him. His grandson was there and at some point he yelled that if we ripped the felt on the table he was going to beat our asses. I decided it was in my best interest to find other ways to entertain myself.
2. In my early teens, a friend and I decided to cross the invisible line in a popular restaurant and enter the poolroom on the right instead of the seating area on the left. It was full of some weird, cross-pollinated group of bikers and rednecks. We walked over to an empty table and put in our quarters. The pool balls didn’t come out. My friend said something about it and a big drunk guy with a bandana and leather jacket told us, “It means if you can’t roll with the big boys you should just roll” We rolled extra quick over to the kiddies section and ate our onion rings. To this day, I have never gone back.
3. Fast forward to age 18 and you’ll find me in a sports bar in Norfolk. The guy I was dating decided to teach me how to play pool. Except for the fact I was drunk and he was determined to teach me how to play, things may have gone alright. He didn’t appreciate my carefree approach and I wasn’t appreciating him barking orders at me as he stood behind me trying to push me around. My somewhat butch lesbian roommate gave him this look that scared the hell out me, then she told him to back off. He ignored her until her brother (my informally adopted big brother) said the same thing. I decided a game of drunken darts was more my thing. He decided it was time to leave.
4. Unable to see the futility in attempting to learn the game of pool, I found myself a few months later in a club in Virginia Beach. I had gone with a former roommate, who interesting enough was also a lesbian. There were some bands playing and I was…uhhh…high on life and somehow ended up in the poolroom. Things were going great this time. She was teaching me how to play pool and I was working on some free drinks when a guy asked if he could join us. We agreed and before we knew what was happening he was getting angry because she was better at pool than he was. She tried to lose but he figured that out and got angrier. Once he started talking about his counselor we decided it was time to leave. She asked some big drunk guy wearing a bandana (but no leather jacket) to keep him there and we hit the door running. We didn’t stop until we made it back home. I didn’t sleep too well that night and it wasn’t because my roommate and former roommate were …umm… hitting it off in the living room.
5. A few years ago we rented a house and there was a pool table downstairs. MyHusband offered to teach me how to play and I was having a really good time. Then the girls decided they wanted to play. I was standing there watching him teach my daughter how to hold the pool cue and thinking he was so amazing and wonderful with the kids when something crashed into the right side of my head. My other daughter had decided to try on her own and I was in the direct line of fire. It seemed to knock some sense into me. That was the point I realized that pool was not my game.

These are five good reasons for me to never attempt to play pool again. I have no desire to work on a sixth reason. Yet, something tells me I will. I’ve always wanted to play pool.

Next post: How my potatoes came in the mail ;)

Blog Summary

I’ve been neglecting you. I know. Feel free to scold at will. I’m kinda in the mood for that right now. To make up for my lack of posting I have prepared a quick summary of all the blog posts that were not posted.

I read some books

We had science experiment week

We took the pantry closet out of our kitchen and replaced the sliding glass door with a single door.

We went to see my brother and his new chicks.

MyHusband got a new job.

My potatoes came in the mail.

It was a very exciting week and I think they’d all make a good blog post. I might write about them later. Right now I’m kinda tired. I’m going to go eat baked beans and take a bubble bath. :)

I’m a Reformed Frog Killer

My youngest has been on an environmental bent the last few months. Her new purpose in life is to save the frogs. They are born deformed and even dying because of too much pollution. She has become quite the activist.

She has a T-shirt with a recycle sign on the front that she wears everywhere. She’ll leave her jacket open and walk around with her chest poked out so everyone will see it and remember to recycle. She has also given a stern lecture to the bag boy at the supermarket. He should be making people get reusable bags instead of letting them harm the environment with plastic. He looked very amused.

One day I forgot to take my reusable shopping bags to the store and I was lectured the whole way home about both the toxicity of plastic and the danger of killing trees. “…The only option is to reuse mom. It’s very important unless you want to kill frogs. And Turtles! You don’t want to kill turtles…” I begged forgiveness and she decided to let me off the hook; as long as it didn’t happen again.

When her dad got home she put on her worried face and ratted me out on my murder of innocent frogs. He told her about all the things I do that is good for the environment. When he was done I was the poster child for healthy happy frogs. I have probably saved hundreds if not thousand of little froggy lives. She thinks I am the patron saint of frogs. It feels good to be a hero.

So, if you aren’t already using reusable shopping bags, go get some. It’s really a small price to pay to save a life. You don’t want to be a frog murderer. Choose to be a hero.

Bad Weather, Penguin Pajamas, and Springtime

Yesterday was a busy day and the evening was filled with mentions of tornadoes and severe weather. The weather didn’t get too bad but my internet connection wasn’t working properly. It seems to be working now. We’ll see.

Last night there was a lot of wind. Loud angry violent wind. I would have enjoyed it except that I have kids now and that means I have to worry. About midnight I started to worry about tornadoes and it led to this conversation with MyHusband.

Why are you putting on your pajamas?

If a tornado sucks me out of the house I don’t want to be found dead and naked stuck in one of our neighbors trees.

Ohh, You’d rather be found dead wearing penguin pajamas in our neighbor’s tree?

It made sense at the time.

In other news, Spring! It’s right around the corner.

I would celebrate by writing really bad poetry about blades of grass and puffy white clouds but I have a headache and a bad attitude right now.

Maybe later.