ImPerceptibility

Archive for October, 2008

I’m thinking anyone that leaves a rude and somewhat angry message on my voice mail lacks the judgment to secure my vote. At least I could replay the message several times and figure out the phone number at the end. It was 866-558-5591. I called the number and asked them to remove my number from their list. They told me they didn’t have a list. She forwarded me to someone else and they said they would remove my number. We’ll see.

They didn’t seem to have any concerns about the fact that I found the recorded phone call rude. Nor did they seem surprised when I told them I did not appreciate the other phone calls I received with a recorded message of people screaming their “outrage” into my phone. Hummm.

I might need a new category for this. Any suggestions?

To make a long story short, I don’t know what this is or what it’s about. I was just messing around with filters and brushes in PhotoShop and this is what happened. I could just delete it but I spent a really long time working on it.

[Update: Does spending a lot of time on something make it more worthwhile? Should you value something just because you've invested a good deal of time trying to make it right? How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel, let go, and move on to something new? It's a gamble. You can be content with working with what you have or scrap it and start new. Either way you lose something.]

I’ve been to Fear Fest at our local amusement park two weekends in row. Once With MyHusband and once with my oldest daughter. Both times were great in different ways. I might talk about that later. Right now I want you to know that I have been thinking about it and I am convinced that if I suddenly found myself in a horror movie, I would be the first one dead.

I don’t think anyone wants to admit that they are prime fodder for ghouls, ghost, and ax murders. I think we all like to think we’re at least a little bad-ass and prepared for hostile alien attacks or marauding pirates. When I imagine my response to a sudden in home raid by homeland security, I’m swinging a frying pan and throwing apples at those asshats. Blood thirsty bat people attack while I’m hiking in the National Forest? No problem, I’m grabbing the nearest tree branch and going all Kung Foo on their ass. This belief gets me through my day. That and my box of wine I got from Target.

Unfortunately, my peace of mind has been lost. Well, I haven’t actually lost my mind. It’s more disrupted. You see, I’m actually not the least bit bad-ass when faced with make-believe goblins or bloody chain-saw hitchhikers. Shocking, yes? But it is true. I’ll give you examples.

Example 1 – I am cruising through Club Blood with my oldest when a man dressed in black with chains and a hood walks up beside me. He states that I should follow him “to my doom”. I say, “OK, but are you sure you’re giving me good advice” He starts to chuckle. I followed him anyway. And I liked it.

Example 2 – I am riding the electric cars through the woods at night. A bloody man with a chain saw walks up beside my car. He asked me if I would stop and give him a ride. I did stop and I told him “Sure, jump in” He looks at me funny then walks off. I honestly thought his shift was over and wanted a ride back to the station. Then I worried that I’d hurt his ego because I wasn’t scared of him.

There are more examples but I’ll just get depressed if I sit here and type them all out. Let’s just say if I ever had to protect my family from possessed clowns, my plan to throw a pot of boiling water on them then run out the back door to get the pick ax isn’t going to work out. I’d better have a backup plan. Like… feed them gingerbread and milk and sing lullabies until they fall asleep. Or scold them about dripping entrails on the carpet and sneak out the back door while they’re finishing up their bubble bath. I mean, bad-ass is one thing but I’d never pull it off. Might as well go with what works. What else can you do?

Over the last few months one of my dogs has gotten very possessive of me. It only seems to happen when MyHusband isn’t at home. She will bark at every adult male that gets anywhere near our house. It’s only the men. She’s fine with women and children. I joked with my husband that she thought I was her bitch, except when he was home, and then I was his. Unfortunately for him, he agreed. I got really worried a few days ago when she tried to jump over the fence to get at a traveling soul saver. That poor man of God ran down the road screaming like a little girl. I think my dog is now going to hell. I’m not sure.

Last weekend I decided to watched The Dog Whisperer. There was a German Shepard that would bark and growl at everyone that went by the house and would even bark when people tried to walk upstairs. Cesar said the problem was they let the dog in the house first instead of making him wait until they went in. When they did that the dog though he was in charge.

I thought about it and my dog only barked when MyHusband wasn’t home and she was in the backyard. She was fine in the house or when we went on a walk. So I decided to try it. I made the dogs sit and be calm before I opened the back door then made them stay until I went out and called them. This supposedly made me the head dog of the pack and they could go about their business of chewing bones, chasing squirrels, and pooping without worrying about protecting me. It seems to have worked. I noticed a big change the first day and today she has not barked at anyone, even the bitchy neighbor that deserves to be barked at. I was impressed.

Now, my other dog has a problem of jumping on people. It isn’t the least bit aggressive she’s just being playful but it isn’t a good thing when small children come by. Even though she’s very gentle and hasn’t hurt anyone, I’m afraid she might. So I once again took Cesar’s advice and when she jumped I made her sit down and be still. It didn’t seem to help. So I stepped it up a notch and when she jumped I rolled her over onto her back and made her stay there until she settled down. I had to do this a few times because she’s a little slow. But, it seemed to work. She still gets ready to jump but as soon as I say ‘down’ she sits back down and doesn’t jump. I was impressed again.

So to the Dog Whisperer, I want to say Thank You. Now that I’m the head bitch around here things are much better. To the rest of you, I just want you to know this technique is for dogs and trying it on your husband can lead to very different results. But I do believe every wife should jump on top her husband and yell, “I’m the head bitch around here!” at least once. It’s so worth it.

Field Log of ImPerceptibility

Summary : Observations obtained on location at a local middle school

Conclusion: Those adolescents sure are funny.  With all rights reserved to change opinion in a few more years.

Field Notes:

Adolescent Subject A was standing with her mother and her little sister looking at books in the local middle school library. I observed an adolescent male approaching from the right. He was accompanied by another male of approximately the same age. I judged his age to be about 12.

Upon spotting Subject A the male subject lifts his head abruptly up then immediately dropped to stare intently at his feet. This was a signal to the accompanying male to mimic the same shoe staring action.

Subject A then looks up and sees the shoe staring young males and turns her head sharply to the left pretending not to see them.

At a distance of approximately 10 feet from Subject A the male subject mumbles “Hi Oldest” then immediately looks back at his shoes. Accompanying male never breaks the shoe staring pose.

Subject A looks over and mumbles “Hi Keith” then turns her head back to the left. Male subjects proceed forward and look at the stack of manga books.

Little sister appears to be aware that something is amiss but is unsure of the proper social response. So she takes a finger pointer and pretends to pick her nose. This is followed by about 10 minutes of all subjects ignoring each other.

Upon exiting the library the accompanying male looks up at subject A, grins, nods his head and says, “Hi”

Subject A nods but does not verbally acknowledge him. 

The male subject looks at the accompanying male, grin, and says, “That’s what I said”

They proceed to act like normal boys as they walked down the hall and out of the building.

Subject A then turns to her mother and says, “That was Keith.” Then she grins and quickly changes the subject.

Note: Keep an eye on this Keith dude.