ImPerceptibility

Archive for March, 2009

The diet is going well even though I don’t ever want to see another piece of celery. I’ve lost three pounds and am moving to a more balanced diet plan. You know, one that includes chocolate. I don’t think that I should talk about anything today because I’m cranky as hell. Seriously cranky. MyHusband has been hiding downstairs all day. So instead of some dumb ass blog post I’ll just put up a few songs from the object of my latest musical lust. I hope you enjoy it. If not that’s your problem. I’ve got cucumbers to peel.  Ohh yeah, I love you guys. 

Josh Small – “Waterwings” from TCSG on Vimeo.

Josh Small – “15/20″ from TCSG on Vimeo.

Moderation. Slow but steady.

Being over weight is bad for your health. I almost had a freakin’ heart attack when I stepped on the scales this morning. Once I regained my composure and made my way down the hall I knew one thing for certain. There would be no moderation. No sensible. No slow but steady. I could loose a pound or two per week but I’ll have to step on the scales again next week and this time it might be the big one. I could die from moderation and I’m not much of a risk taker.

I’m going on the green diet. Cucumbers, celery, and green tea to be exact. That’s all I’m eating until I have lost at least 5 pounds. I chose this diet because those were the only vegetables that didn’t look like crap in the grocery store. It’s a bad time of year for produce. The advantage of cucumbers and celery is they are supposed to be tasteless so I won’t be disappointed when they are tasteless. The advantage of green tea is I already drink green tea. If I’m feeling really rebellious I might throw in an occasional apple or banana. We’ll have to see.

It’s been going good so far. I’m four hours into the diet and I haven’t cheated once, unless you counted the handful of frosted mini wheats I grabbed and ate before I remembered I was on a diet. I promised the kids homemade pizza for dinner tonight and I might have a slice of that but nothing else. Except maybe a SMALL bowl of the cookie dough ice cream in the freezer. That would be a one or two time thing. And isn’t there some chipotle chedder in the fridge. I haven’t had a grilled cheese in awhile…

When she asked me she was standing in front of me and she had a worried look on her face. A lump formed in my throat and I told her that she didn’t have to worry about it.

“But what if I do?” she asked. I realized she was fast approaching the age when mom saying so no longer made it so. I swallowed the lump in my throat and said the only thing I could think of,

“Then you tell them you aren’t going”

“But what if they make me?”

Then I’ll hide you. We’ll move away where they can’t find you. That’s what I told her and I meant every word of it.

She looked at me and I knew she wanted to believe me and my demeanor would decide it for her. I sneered and told her no one was going to mess with my babies. Never! They better not even try. I stomped my foot on the floor for effect.

She nodded yes and the crisis was over…for her…for now.

I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce and agriculture in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain. – John Adams

When my uncle went to Iraq I told the girls that George Bush needed some big tough guys to go catch some bad guys. They had no problem with that. He was a big tough guy and he would straighten them out. War was easy then. They were babies. They aren’t babies anymore and we have been sending big tough guys to catch the bad guys for six years. Six years.

When those towers fell I sat in a rocking chair with a toddler in my lap and watched my tears fall on her hair. Today I realized my baby has never know a time when we weren’t fighting the bad guys and I hid my tears in a dish towel as I pretended to wash the dishes. War to her is no different than the sun coming up in the morning. It’s just the way it’s always been. I want it to be different. I want her to have a future. I want her to study art, music, and poetry. I don’t want her standing in my kitchen and worrying that all the big tough guys are getting killed and she’ll have to go and fight in a war. That’s just wrong.

It's an orange that looks like a pear.

Today my youngest made me stop in the middle of the grocery store and take a picture of this.  It’s an orange, but it’s shaped like a pear.  This is apparently really funny if you are nine.  Just thought you should know.

It’s weird. I don’t know why but lately I’ve been wanting to smoke. It’s very disturbing for me. I haven’t smoked in years. I don’t want to smoke but I almost got in car and went to the convenience store for a pack of Marlboros the other day. It just comes out of nowhere. It doesn’t last long and it doesn’t happen often but I just can’t figure out why it happens at all.

The other day I walked by a man sitting on a bench and he was smoking. I almost stopped and asked him for a cigarette. I’m not sure what the implications of bumming a cigarette from a bum would be, but they can’t be good.

I’m not going to start smoking again. That’s a given. I like to be able to walk for hours without getting winded. I like not smelling like an ashtray. I like not running out late at night because I ran out cigarettes. I like increasing my chances of watching my future grandkids grow up. I like being a self righteous non-smoker. But right now, I would like a cigarette. I hope it passes quickly.

As is tradition my youngest built a leprechaun trap in hopes of catching a leprechaun. This is the after picture.

We waited all day for that durn leprechaun to stop by.  He comes ever year on St. Patricks day and causes a lot of mischief.  We always try and catch him but have been unsuccessful.  He’s managed to escape every trap we designed.  This year we though it would be different.  This year we designed an exceptionally tricky trap.  My youngest was the designer and she used an old trash can with in hole in the bottom.  She placed a thin piece of paper over the hole and covered it with shiny things.  Leprechauns like shiny things.  He would hop up on the trap and fall in.  Then he wouldn’t be able to climb out because the sides were too slippery.  She was worried he might get hurt falling in so she padded the bottom with left-over birthday streamers and feathers.  In case he was caught while we were gone and got hungry, she left him a snack, some raisins.  We weren’t home most of the day but we were hopeful we’d have a leprechaun when we got home.  We checked everywhere but there wasn’t a single sign of leprechaun activity anywhere around our home.  We were very disappointed. 

When MyHusband got home he decided he wanted take-out for dinner and he and the kids left to pick it up.  I was exhausted from a busy day and fell asleep on the couch.  Little did I know the leprechaun was about to visit. 

 I was snoring loudly on the couch when I heard my youngest squeel.  “There’s toilet paper all over our house!  The leprechaun TP’d our house!”

There was toilet paper all over our house!

 I immediately woke up and we raced to check the trap.  No leprechaun.  But he did leave us each a pack of gummy lifesavers and a note.

Nice Try. I can Fly! Ha Ha! -O'M.

“Holy cow!” my youngest yelled.  “Who knew leprechauns could fly!” 

I realised that I had never heard of a flying leprechaun, but who knows? 

We went to survey the damage and it was extensive. 

He knocked over chairs.

He knocked over lamps and puzzles

Toilet paper was everywhere!

He even peed in the toilet and didn't flush!

I walked around around the house and “complained at” the leprechaun while the kids ran around and tidied everything up. I wish we had caught that leprechaun. I’ve never had a real pot of gold but there is always next year. We have to figure out a trap that can hold a leprechaun that can fly. I think we’re up to the challenge. We’ll see.