ImPerceptibility

Archive for May, 2010

There are a few things I remember from fourth grade. I remember teaching myself sign language letters from a page I ripped out of an old dictionary that I found in the back of my teachers classroom. I also learned to count really fast to prove that I did not need to memorize my multiplication tables. The teacher had insisted that everyone would learn to multiply before they left the fourth grade. I didn’t memorize my multiplication tables until I went to college. Then there was the time I got to interview the school secretary. I’m sure the teacher gave me this project so I’d stop distracting the other kids by finger signing curse words and various insults while we were learning to multiply.

In fourth grade we also learned about the Commonwealth of Virginia. It was typical state studies but I somehow managed to pay attention long enough to learn a few things. One of those was the state seal. I was impressed with that. Up until that point I had assumed the person standing on top of the man with the words “Sic Semper Tyrannis’ was a male. It had never occurred to me that it was, or even could be any different. I was fascinated with the possibilities. While the teacher taught us about the 10 most common products manufactured in Virginia I drew pictures of Virtus slaying tyrants. The teacher taught about the major roads of transportation and I daydreamed about finding a Latin page in the dictionary so I could Sic Semper other things. “Sic Semper Meatloaf” my life would have been perfect.

So when our Attorney General Cooch decided to give out lapel pins that depicted a different state seal than the official one that had spurred many childhood adventures I was a bit offended. Here’s why:

1.Where does he get the authority to change the official state emblem? Who the hell does he think he is? A tyrant?

2.What the hell does he have against breasts? Specifically the left one?

3.Why can’t it be obvious that a woman is the one slaying tyrants? Breasts are a symbol of womanhood and by covering her with armor you remove the last bit of femininity and make it even less obvious that she is a woman.

4.Does he have a problem with strong women standing up to unjust men? Does he think she should be barefoot in the kitchen fixing her man a sandwich, leaving all the tyrant slaying to the big strong men?

5.Why would a breast depicted in a work of art be inappropriate? Is he going to shut down the art museums next? Maybe get a sharpie and go through the art books in the library and cover all the breasts with black bars?

Then, I found out something even more interesting than the I have breasts hear me roar angle. I found out that the seal he chose was used for a state flag during the civil war. Not only does he hate breasts, apparently he hates the fact that we lost the civil war and wants to bring back the seal that represented our state during one of the most horrific and destructive times of our state history. WTF?

Sic Semper Asshats! That’s all I have to say.