ImPerceptibility

Archive for the ‘Miss Brandie’ Category

This choice was made under a tree last month.  I waited to be sure it was true.  It is and it is right. I’ll miss ImPerceptibility but mostly I’ll miss you.  Take care.

Goodbye Stranger

It was an early morning yesterday
I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay
But I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle
Like a queen without a throne
I’m an early morning lover
And I must be moving on

Now I believe in what you say
As the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way
To keep me in my youth

Like a ship without an anchor
Like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies
Sends a shiver through my veins

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

(Goodbye stranger it’s been nice)
(Hope you find your paradise)
(Tried to see your point of view)
(Hope your dreams will all come true)
(Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane)
(Will we ever meet again)
(Feel no sorrow, feel no shame)
(Come tomorrow, feel no pain)

Sweet devotion,
It’s not for me
Just give me motion,
To set me free
Land in the ocean,
Far away
By my chosen
Every day

So Goodbye Mary,
Goodbye Jane
Will we ever
Meet again

Now some they do and some they don’t
And some you just can’t tell
And some they will and some they won’t
With some it’s just as well

You can laugh at my behavior
That’ll never bother me
Say the devil is my savior
But I don’t pay no heed

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

(Goodbye stranger it’s been nice)
(Hope you find your paradise)
(Tried to see your point of view)
(Hope your dreams will all come true)
(Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane)
(Will we ever meet again)
(Feel no sorrow, feel no shame)
(Come tomorrow, feel no pain)

Sweet devotion,
It’s not for me
Just give me motion,
To set me free
Land in the ocean,
Far away
By my chosen,
Every day

Now I’m leaving,
Got to go,
Hit the road
I’m sayin’ once again,
oh yes I’m leaving
Got to go,
Got to go.
I’m sorry another day
But Goodbye Mary,
Goodbye Jane
Will we ever
Meet again

Oh I’m leavin’
I’ve got to go

December 20, 2006
Telling You About Singing
Dear Reader,

Hope you are doing well. I had a small problem with a bunion, but it’s getting better now. I won’t bore you with the details even though you are a good person to ask. Today I am going to tell you about singing.

Singing is a good thing. Most people feel better when they express themselves with a song. I like to sing in the shower. It sounds good in there. I can’t fault anyone for singing when they are feeling like singing. I think it’s probably healthy. What I can fault you for is singing when you know durn well you can’t sing worth a damn. Well, I won’t even fault you for that unless you are doing it where other people can hear you.

I want you to know that no one in their right mind wants to hear you howling out Silent Night at the top of your lungs if you sound like a dog in heat. It’s what they call noise pollution and that is a serious problem in this world. I am asking you people to please stop doing it and make the world a better place.

I understand that some people don’t know they sing badly. Here are a few tips so that you can figure it out:

If dogs start howling when you sing you need to stop. Dog howl for reason and one of them is when they hear bad singing.

If you are singing and parents grab their kids and start moving slowly away from you, you’re a bad singer. They don’t want you infecting their kids with bad taste. I can’t say I blame them.

If everyone in the congregation except for Milly, the mostly deaf girl, puts their hymn books in front of their face and starts shaking when you sing, it isn’t because they were moved by the spirit. They are trying not to laugh in church. That’s bad manners.

When no one makes eye contact while you are singing, you are bad. Just face the facts. No one wants to look at something like that.

If I run out of my house and give you a cup of cocoa before you’ve finished your carol, it isn’t because I didn’t want you to get cold. Even though I told you that, it was really because I couldn’t take anymore of your singing. Jesus Pete, get the hint already!

So, now you know. If any of these things apply to you, please stop polluting the world with noise and try to enjoy the season. I hope that was helpful to you. I wouldn’t be anything if I wasn’t helpful. Have a great day and don’t forget to help with the fight against noise pollution. It gets really bad this time of year with all the drinking. We all need to do our part. I’ll be back next week to tell you about gluttony. That is when you eat too much.

Sincerely,
Miss Brandie

December 13, 2006
Telling You About Lying
Dear Reader,

Hello. It’s nice to see you back. I’m sure you noticed the purple in my hair has faded a bit. Mike, the hair stylist, says no need to worry. I used the temporary hair color and it will wash out in a few days. BINGO turned out fine. Apparently quite a few people decided to try the hair color by the cabbage and we had a good laugh about it. I even made a new purple-haired friend. It’s good to have something in common. That helps promote a friendship. Too bad it had to be a hair color tragedy. But never mind that. Today I am going to tell you about lying.

Lying is bad. We all know you shouldn’t lie to your Mom. Someone needs to tell that to my no good son, the one that lies to his mother. I mean, if you can’t just tell your mom your going to be too busy with that new tart of yours to spend some time with your family on Christmas, what good are you? Making up lies about being busy and needing to make money to pay your child support is stupid. Everyone knows you got plenty of money for your child support. It’s all those alimony payments each month that are killing you.

For awhile, I thought that boy was turning Mormon. Every time I turned around he was getting married. They call that serial monogamy. What it really should be called is he don’t how to keep a woman. He thinks I don’t know that he is going skiing at one of those resorts. Well, I know. I hope he doesn’t break a leg.

So, lying is bad. Just don’t do it. When you lie too much everyone thinks you are morally corrupted. And they would be right. I’m not talking about lying about Martha’s bean salad being good. Everyone knows you’re just being nice about that. Just try not to tell any big lies. Don’t lie to your wife about where you’re going because she will find out. Don’t lie to your kids about what happened to the dog. That’s just wrong. Also, don’t lie to yourself. You know what is right and wrong. Trust the voice inside and be honest with yourself. Things usually work out better that way. That’s a simple fact.

I know that sometimes you have to lie. It’s just how it is. You don’t get to be married as long as I have without a few well placed lies. I told Mr. Brandie a lie last night. I told him he was the sexiest man I know. It was a little lie because I don’t actually KNOW Keith Urban. I sure do like watching him sing on the Country Music Channel though. That Nicole Kidman got herself a good deal in that man! It’s also OK to tell your wife that she looks great even when she doesn’t. It’s called being kind. Being kind is what makes this world a little easier to live in. Life is hard. You should always try and make things better for the people you love. It will give you a great deal of personal satisfaction. Just don’t lie about anything big and you’ll be fine. Big lies lead to big trouble. Remember that.

Thank you for stopping by. I am always thrilled to have you here. It’s good of you to keep an old lady company. Don’t forget to shut the door on the way out. It’s raining and I ain’t in no mood to be mopping up the floor today. Come see me again next Wednesday. I’ll be telling you about something.

Sincerely,
Miss Brandie

December 8, 2006
Telling you About Purple Hair
Dear Reader,

Well I was supposed to see you next Wednesday but something happened that I think I should tell you about while it’s still fresh in my mind. I went and turned my hair purple. No, not on purpose. It was a mistake.

My hairdresser, Mike, the gay guy, usually does my hair on Fridays. He’s a good boy. I feel bad for his mom on account of him not giving her any grandkids but he’s a real good boy and takes care of his momma. She can’t complain about that. Not one bit.

So I was saying, every Friday I go and get my hair done. Once a month I go and get it colored as well. It costs me $40 for the cut-n-color special. That’s what they call it. You get your hair cut and colored. They throw in a fee styling as well. My problem was, I spent too much money on fancy pancake syrup and didn’t have enough for the color part. Mike offered to do it anyway. He said I could pay him next time. I told him no. If I can’t afford to pay you then I can’t afford to get it done. Plain and simple. I don’t like to put myself in debt. It isn’t wise when you’re my age. I could kick the bucket tomorrow and poor Mike would never get his money. He wouldn’t ask Mr. Brandie for it because he’s such a polite young man. He wouldn’t want to interrupt the mourning process with business.

I decided I’d do it myself. They had discount hair coloring at the Bottom Dollar for just 3 bucks. I had three bucks so I decided what the heck, I’ll do it. I read most of the direction and started to color my hair. Oh boy, that stuff did smell bad, but it was in a bin beside the cabbage in the store. I figured that was the problem. They call that cross contamination. It can happen. They should have put some baking soda in between the bins. So I wasn’t too worried. I got it all in my hair and set the timer on the stove to 15 minutes, like it told me to do.

I was so excited dancing around the house in my underwear and a towel singing that old hair color commercial. You know the one; ‘I washed that gray right out of my hair’. That was a good commercial and they should bring it back. I was having so much fun. Then the timer went off and I washed the gray out. The only problem was I washed the gray into purple. It’s not one of those purple tints like the artsy people talk about. It was purple. Just plain purple. So now I got to go to BINGO looking like a floozy. I just don’t know what to do. It’s really not a good thing.

I sure do appreciate you stopping by to hear my story. You are good people to listen to my problems. Remember to take care of yourself and don’t use the hair color by the cabbage at Bottom Dollar. Unless you want to be looking like a purple haired floozy. Then you can go right ahead and do it. I’ll be back Wednesday to tell you about something else. I don’t know what because my head is itching me like the devil and I can’t think straight.

Sincerely,
Miss Brandie

[This was the post where Miss Brandie Learned about tags. She would eventually have an extemely long column of tags down the side of her page. Someone even mentioned it to her and she told them they were a good boy to try and help her out then ignored his suggestion.]

December 6, 2006
Telling you about The Christmas Spirit

Dear Reader,

It’s nice to have you back. I know I said I was going to talk about profanity today, but I’m not. It’s my blog and I can talk about whatever I want, so stop complaining. It’s getting close to Christmas and I’ve decided a little bit about Jesus would be good. Now don’t stop reading now. It’s for your own good. I wouldn’t have to be doing this if you had a little common sense.

Last year we were in church on Christmas Eve, like we were supposed to be, and it was a good service. We had a new preacher and he was trying his best to impress us. If you have a bad Christmas service it can ruin your whole reputation. That’s the only time most people actually get to see your service. You don’t get to try again until Easter. I was happy for the preacher. He was doing good. It got to be time for Holy Communion and he was fixing up the wine. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he sneezed. Right into the silver goblet. I sit up front and I believe I might have heard a small splash. My hearing isn’t what it use to be though.

Now, since it was Christmas, the church was packed and he had made a lot of wine into Christs blood. He wanted to make sure everyone could have a some. Thats his job! I think you can understand why not too many people went up there for a drink. I can’t say I blame them. The problem was, there was a lot left over that no one drank. Now you know damn well you can’t just pour that stuff out. It’s sacred for god’s sake!

The preacher did his best to get it down. You could tell that stuff was extra holy because he started turning all red and smiling. He handed the goblet off to the altar boy and the same thing started to happen to him. They were passing the goblet around the altar and I was thinking, “Why don’t they just give it to Deacon Joe?” We all know he’s a drunk. He could get rid of that stuff in no time flat. He would appreciate it too. But that didn’t happen. They finally managed to finish it off.

Anyways, that new preacher finished up the service and I tell you, he was filled with the spirit of Christmas. Christ himself would have been proud. I’ve never seen such a spirit filled preacher in my life. Unless I mention the time I went to get Mr. Brandie out of the bar and ran into Father Mike. But, of course, I’m not going to mention that. All I got to say is it was a good service. A real good service. I hope you understand a little more about the Christmas Spirit now. God Bless you.

Thanks for stopping by and I’ll be back next week. I don’t know what I’m going to be telling you about but it might be about profanity.

Sincerely,
Miss Brandie

[By the second post Miss Brandie added an About Me section to her blog. And for the record, this is Miss Brandie's post and not necessarily my opinions]

About Me

Miss Brandie
United States

I am an old woman that realized people are as stupid now a days as they were when I was young. I am out here on what they call on-line trying to straighten you people out.

November 29, 2006

Telling You About Sex

Dear Reader,

I was going to tell you about profanity today but I’m not. I was talking to my daughter, the one who married into that white trash family, and she told me to go for sex. If you want people to read your blog then you got to write about sex. I want people to read my blog so I’m telling you about sex.

It’s fine. Ain’t nothing wrong with getting yourself some sex when you’re in the mood. Every single person walking around on this earth has been made from two people having sex. Unless of course you are one of those test tube babies. Then you were made from your father having sex with a container. There isn’t a thing wrong with that either.

I am not that Sue Johansen woman from Canada that I watch on the TV. I like watching that show. It has some good information about sex. Mr. Brandie doesn’t like it as much. He swears that if I don’t turn it off he’s going to have problems that all the Viagra in the world won’t fix. Mr. Brandie doesn’t joke around about his Mr. Johnson. I change the channel as soon as I see him wake up. If I was Sue Johansen I could give you some good advice. Since I’m not, I’m just going to tell you a few things that everyone should know but I don’t think you do.

Now we all know you should wait until you’re married to have sex. I think that’s a good idea. But if you don’t for goodness sakes be safe about it. There is no shame in protecting yourself. What’s a shame is young people out there catching diseases and having babies when all they needed was a rubber to protect them. You can buy those at the drug store and I even saw them at Wal-Mart. They were over by the weight loss products.

I waited until I was married and my first child, the rich one, was born two months pre-mature seven months after I got married. He was a healthy little bugger. It was a miracle of God. A miracle indeed. But that’s not what I’m talking about. There is no reason to be running around having sex all willy nilly with anybody that happens by. No reason in that at all. There are nasty things out there and you don’t want to catch any of them. Have a little respect for yourself. That’s what it boils down to.

There is too much sex on TV. I watch the MTV channel sometimes and I just don’t know what to do about it. I watch the MTV then I switch over to the preaching channel. After I pray a bit, I switch back to MTV. I’ve about worn out the button on my remote. If you want to watch that sex stuff that’s your right and there is nothing wrong with it. But I suggest you round everything out with some preaching. It never hurts to be safe.

To finish up I’ll tell you that sex is good, masturbation is fine, have respect for yourself, be safe, and don’t do anything that will harm another person. If you just follow those guidelines you won’t be having problems with sex. Thank you for stopping by. It was a pleasure to have you. Please come and see me again next week when I think I’ll be talking about profanity.

Sincerely,
Miss Brandie

As part of my end of the year simplify my life plan. (I just made that up) I’ve decided to move posts from my other blogs here.  There’s really no reason to have so many accounts and e-mails.  I’m starting with Miss Brandie. 

Miss Brandie was a 80-90 yo southern woman.  I created her in bits and pieces from all the crazy old ladies that I grew up with.  The pieces from most of her stories are true, though they are taken from many different people and put together however the hell I felt like putting them together. 

She never left a comment on another blog, never  joined a single social network, or worried about SEO.  Heck, she didn’t even know about those things. But, in her prime, she had more readers than this blog. I think that makes a point but I’ll let you figure that out for yourself .  Unfortunately, I think Miss Brandie must have died because I haven’t heard from her since July 2007.  So, I closed up her blog and moved on.  What else can you do?

Her blog was call, I’m Telling You and this was her tag line: