ImPerceptibility

Archive for the ‘Oldest’ Category

This choice was made under a tree last month.  I waited to be sure it was true.  It is and it is right. I’ll miss ImPerceptibility but mostly I’ll miss you.  Take care.

Goodbye Stranger

It was an early morning yesterday
I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay
But I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle
Like a queen without a throne
I’m an early morning lover
And I must be moving on

Now I believe in what you say
As the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way
To keep me in my youth

Like a ship without an anchor
Like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies
Sends a shiver through my veins

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

(Goodbye stranger it’s been nice)
(Hope you find your paradise)
(Tried to see your point of view)
(Hope your dreams will all come true)
(Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane)
(Will we ever meet again)
(Feel no sorrow, feel no shame)
(Come tomorrow, feel no pain)

Sweet devotion,
It’s not for me
Just give me motion,
To set me free
Land in the ocean,
Far away
By my chosen
Every day

So Goodbye Mary,
Goodbye Jane
Will we ever
Meet again

Now some they do and some they don’t
And some you just can’t tell
And some they will and some they won’t
With some it’s just as well

You can laugh at my behavior
That’ll never bother me
Say the devil is my savior
But I don’t pay no heed

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

(Goodbye stranger it’s been nice)
(Hope you find your paradise)
(Tried to see your point of view)
(Hope your dreams will all come true)
(Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane)
(Will we ever meet again)
(Feel no sorrow, feel no shame)
(Come tomorrow, feel no pain)

Sweet devotion,
It’s not for me
Just give me motion,
To set me free
Land in the ocean,
Far away
By my chosen,
Every day

Now I’m leaving,
Got to go,
Hit the road
I’m sayin’ once again,
oh yes I’m leaving
Got to go,
Got to go.
I’m sorry another day
But Goodbye Mary,
Goodbye Jane
Will we ever
Meet again

Oh I’m leavin’
I’ve got to go

I was watching some old home movies of the girls from when they were little. I had to giggle at all the times they said, “Look, Mommy” or “Mommy, see, I can…” I’m not sure I appreciated it enough at the time, but some times you just have to get through the day. I guess that’s one of the reasons we make movies, take pictures, and write blogs. That way you can appreciate to your hearts content at a more convenient time.

I stopped a few videos at the smile. You know the one. The wild eyed, excited, I never did that before and I am so proud of myself now smile. It’s the perfect picture. There is nothing else on this earth that even comes close to filling me with more joy. That smile makes everything worthwhile.

Last night at the basketball game Oldest got a rebound and made an awesome basket. The most awesome basket of her short basketball career. I clapped and cheered and waited for the smile. I watches as she turned her head, not to look and make sure I was watching, but to see the cheers of her coach and teammates. Then she ran back down the court and continued to play. She never even looked my way.

I suppose that’s okay. She’s growing up and doesn’t need Mommy to validate her accomplishments. There’s a whole world of people out there that will support her and cheer for her, and that is a good thing. But damn it, I wanted that smile. That smile was there because of all the previous smiles I had helped her achieve. From her first steps, to the first game of catch, to helping her find just the right pair of court shoes. That smile was mine and I felt cheated even though I tried not to feel that way. I did my best to hide it.

After the game was done I walked over to give her shoes and sweatpants. I smiled extra big when I told her that she had played a good game. She told me with all the confidence (arrogance) of a 12yo that it was in fact an excellent game. She talked excitedly about some of the key plays of the game. She mentioned her awesome shot and I gave her a big hug. She smiled really big when I told her she was getting good and looking a lot more confident on the court. Then we went home.

After she got a quick shower, I went to tell her goodnight. She had come down from her post game high and was all sleepy eyed and ready to dream. I kissed her on the forehead and when I was walking out she asked me, “Did you see that basket, Mom? Did you see how I did that?”

I nodded an told her of course I did. She giggled and told me of course I had. She said it like it was completely and totally expected that I was rooting for her. There was no doubt in her mind. Then she rolled over and went to sleep and I went back out to watch some more old movies.

I smiled at the baby smiles on the screen and found contentment in knowing that they know I’m always rooting for them, even when they are too busy living their own lives to acknowledge it. I hope they live the rest of their lives knowing I’m their biggest fan even when they’re sprawled out at half court because they just tripped over their own feet. But I also hope I get more of those smiles, just for me. I’m selfish like that and that is just the way it is.

When I was in grade school my grades varied. It depended on my mood and if I thought the teacher was teaching something worth learning. I wasn’t a bad kid. I just did my own thing. I think it had something to do with spending my early years running around half naked and barefoot. I’m very sure it had something to do with being allowed/expected to figure things out for myself. I can still hear my dad asking me “Well, what are you going to do about it?” when I came to him complaining about a problem.

“Dad! There’s a bug on my swing!”

“Well, what are you going to do about it?”

“I need a jar and a stick. And it’s really big so you need to hold the jar.”

Yet, as inconsistent as my grades were, one thing was constant. “ImPerceptible talks too much.” That was written on every report card I brought home. Except for my fourth grade report cards. The teacher was a little more understanding. She wrote, “ImPerceptible is very socially oriented” I was very happy when I read that even though I didn’t know what it meant. I was kinda sad when I was told it meant I talked too much. I suppose I finally got the message. My eight grade teacher once told me that I had a lot of good ideas but she wished I wouldn’t be so hesitant to share them with the class. I just stood there, shuffled my feet and stared at her.

Hmmmm.

And that’s why I always sneer at my oldest’s grade reports when she brings them home. You’d think after all these years and all the research that has been done teachers would have better sense than to put something like that on a report card. The worst part is, not only can they put it on a report card, it is an option they can check. They don’t even have to take the time to write it! Even though it’s never been checked on my oldest’s report card I still resist the urge to take a black marker and mark that off before I send it back to school.

But this report card was different. It made me smile.

We’re not a religious family and we don’t thank God for our meals. We’re thankful for what we have but we tend to give thanks to a more tangible source. However, most of my family is religious and they pray before meals. When the kids were small we never worried about it. I would either inconspicuously, or if I was feeling hostile noticeably, miss the blessing. Other times I would give the kids a roll to chew on until they were done praising the lord for every little thing and hope they didn’t get brainwashed before it was over. When the kids were little I had a much stronger need to distance myself, and them, from religion. I grew up with that stuff and I didn’t want them drawn into it.

I realized my approach was wrong one day when when my youngest was about three. We were standing around while my brother said grace and when it was finished, just as everyone was about to say amen, she sat up real straight and shouted “I’m mad!” If you say that with a slight southern accent you’ll get why she said that. She thought that was what everyone was saying. It was funny and we all laughed but I knew ignoring religion wasn’t going to be the best approach.

I wasn’t an educational anarchist yet, but I was well on my way. We started with Greek Mythology, threw in some Native American Myths, rounded it out with Celtic and Norse Gods. I think we threw in a bit of Egyptian beliefs. By the time we got to Christian fables a few years later, they had no problem understanding exactly what I wanted them to understand. I felt a lot better about my choices as well.

One of Oldest’s friends was over last week and she told her that her mom said not to talk about religion with her friends because everyone doesn’t believe in the same thing. I’ve told my kids almost the same thing. I think that sucks. I tell my kids that everyone has right to believe in whatever they feel is best for them, unfortunately so many people around here don’t feel the same way. My resentfulness and anger is returning.

My youngest told me that she just pretends she believes what her friends believe because she doesn’t want to fight with them. My oldest gets in arguments because people get frustrated when she matter-of-factly states that she doesn’t believe that. I’m just sitting here alternating between “Fuck ‘em all”, “Why, oh, why can’t we just get along”, and “Let it be. They’re smart kids and they’ll work it out”.

I’m not sure what to do, if anything. In the mean time, I have some books about evolution and world religions on hold at the library. I’ll pick them up Friday.

I was going to embed a video for my oldests birthday a few posts back but I couldn’t think of a single song that really fit. It took some time and some thinking but I finally got it. I played it for her and told her it reminded me of her. She told me it was a really cool song and she loved it. I guess I did good. Happy Belated Birthday Oldest. You’ve always been a star to me.

Wasn’t Born to Follow by Social Distortion

When I grow up, gonna be a star
Gonna sing my songs and play my guitar, I’m ready
Gonna change the world, gonna turn the page
Gonna say what I feel, let out this rage, get ready
We’re going down, down to the streets below

Gonna sing the songs of the streets again
Gonna knock me off my feet, so get ready
I’ll sing a song for the fallen angels
This one goes to all the unsung heroes

Chorus:
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause don’t you know, I wasn’t born to follow

I realize that in your eyes you got ideas
But I got mine, get ready
Here comes the new generation
Hope they feel and fight the same way as we did

Chorus:
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause I wasn’t born, I wasn’t born to follow noo

When I grow up, gonna be a star
Gonna sing my songs and play my guitar, I’m ready
Gonna change the world, gonna turn the page
Gonna say what I feel, let out this rage, get ready
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause don’t you know, I wasn’t born to follow
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Cause don’t you know, I wasn’t born to follow

We’re going down, down, down, down
We’re going down, down, down
I said goodbye to the masses, I wasn’t born to follow

Wow, what a busy few weeks. My oldest is now less than a year away from being a teenager. Damn, they grow up fast. She is turning into such a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful young lady. I’m so proud of her.

Her dad bought her Green Day concert tickets for her birthday. She started screaming and hopping around. She’s so excited. We haven’t decided who’s going to take her yet. I think I’ll ask her uncle. He seemed as excited as she was about it – without as much hopping. He was more excited when she told him that an old guy liking Green Day didn’t make it any less cool. I had a few reservations about the concert but I guess 12 isn’t too young to get your first contact high. To be honest, I prefer her liking Green Day to some of the racist, misogynistic, redneck, or slutty airhead themed bands that are out there now. “Silence is your enemy” There’s nothing wrong with that message.

Next up MyHusband and I celebrated our Fritos and Mountain Dew anniversary. Damn, we’ve been together a really long time. I still remember the day we met like it was yesterday. I didn’t think we had anything in common and was sure we’d never hit off. Looking back I think that’s why we hit it off. Two very different types of people make for many opportunities to try different things. Plus he’s really awesome. That never hurts.

I spent most of today with Verizon guys in my backyard installing fiber optic cables. I’m use to being the only person, except the drunk old lady a few houses down, to be around during the day. All the excitement kinda aggravated me. Not being able to let the dogs out back aggravated me more. But the guys were very polite and didn’t mess up my trees too much so I shouldn’t complain. At least I managed to channel my aggravation into cleaning up the house so it all worked out.

I’m not sure if you guys are nerdy enough to understand why this is our Frito and Mountain Dew anniversary so I’ll add this video. He’s not a code monkey but this song always reminds me of him and how we met.

So what do you say MyHusband? We might not have everything but we’re doing alright, yes? Happy anniversary. Damn, I’m glad I didn’t fall asleep by 10pm last night like I threatened.

I can’t believe the school year is almost over. Less than two months and I get to have my oldest back at home with me. I’m really looking forward to it and I’m counting down the days. She’s such a fun kid and her little sister misses her a lot more than she would ever admit to. We haven’t discussed next year but I think she’ll probably go back to public school. She’s made a bunch of friends and enjoys all her classes. Even English. She’s definitely grown up in the last year. Or maybe me not standing over her shoulder all the time gave me enough room to see that she’s growing up. It’s hard to tell about those things. I don’t have a problem with her going back to school next year. She’s happy and learning, but I’m seriously aggravated with the school system itself.  Public Schools suck!

I don’t know what the hell has happened to public schools since I was a kid but they need to get their act together. Maybe it’s all the hippyish teaching philosophies or some new educational technique but they are not on the ball. What happened to the boring classrooms with desks all in a row and mind numbing posters on the walls? What’s up with the tables and chairs. Why are these kids working together in groups? You should not have basketball playoff charts hanging on the wall! That’s what I do. I’m an educational anarchist. You are not. You are a school and you should try and look like one.

And aren’t teachers supposed to be old and have moles with hair sticking out of them. What’s up with hiring 24yo cuties to teach history. JFC! He even looks sweet in a sweater vest. Good thing my oldest isn’t into boys yet. She’d never learn a thing. The other teachers aren’t any better. Walking around smiling and interacting with the kids. I even saw one of them telling the kids jokes. You are supposed to be in the teachers lounge smoking cigarettes and complaining. This is unacceptable.

Don’t even get me started on the homework. My oldest spends about 30-40 minutes a week working on homework and she likes the projects and assignments. Creating book jackets, making her own math reference book, and building model airplanes are my territory. Your assignments need to take this form : Complete all the odd problems on page 256. Read pages 192-365 and answer the review question in complete sentences. I don’t think my oldest has even opened her Math book. Freakin’ slackers! Creative assignments have no place in a school. Get back to the books.

Don’t get me started on the extra credit projects, enrichment activities, or fun Friday. You don’t show kids movies and call it school. Educational anarchists do that. Cut it out and also stop letting them use the internet for research. Technology is not for schools. Eleven year old school children shouldn’t be making power point presentations. Playing Dance Dance Revolution in PE class is just wrong! Push-ups and running laps in the heat. Sit-ups and kick ball in the mud. Get with the program.

Then there is the bullying and violence. You guys need to step it up. She heard there was a fight one day in the cafeteria but she didn’t see it. She thinks the eigth graders sometimes fight but she’s not sure. No one has stolen any lunch money either. A fat kid did steal her snack cake out of her lunch but she left her lunchbox out in the hall and she figured it was fair game. He did leave the Cheez-its so she was okay with it. Public schools are breeding grounds for violence and bullying. I expect better!

But mostly, you need to stop making her like school. School is not fun. Get it straight. You bunch of asses. I let her go school so she would appreciate what she already had. You went and took it, then made it better. Screw you!

My only hope now is that she’ll get bored with her classes and want to come back home. Maybe take some classes at the community college in a few years. So cut out the advanced classes and that differentiated instruction crap. You want to make a mother cry, you jerks?

e-e-f-g-g-clunk-f-e-pause-d-cc-d-ee-d-d wait where was I?

That is the sound coming from my daughters room. She’s just finished her second guitar lesson. She’s been playing around with a guitar since May and last week she decided she wanted an electric guitar. I told her if she learned to play an acoustic guitar I would get her one. Ten minutes later she was sitting at the dining room table with the yellow pages, the telephone, and a sheet of paper to write down information. She called around to all the local music stores and asked about lessons. Then she decided to go with the least expensive lessons – so I would have more money left over to buy her electric guitar and because the guy on the phone didn’t talk to her like she was a stupid kid. Yes sir, I am raising that child right.

When I picked her up from her lesson the teacher smiled at me and told her to show me her thumb. She had a tiny blister on the tip of it. “I’m encouraging her use the pick more” she told me. I shook my head and laughed. That’s my girl.

She is very proud of her blister and the rough spots on her pinky and middle finger of her other hand. “It means I’m a real musician.”

“They’re like a trophy” her little sister explained.

e-e-f-g-g-f-e-d-c-c-d-e-d-c-c YES! I’m moving on to Yankee Doodle. That has 8 notes on three different strings!

I wonder if the guitar shop has a payment plan.