ImPerceptibility

Archive for the ‘Too Much Caffeine?’ Category

This choice was made under a tree last month.  I waited to be sure it was true.  It is and it is right. I’ll miss ImPerceptibility but mostly I’ll miss you.  Take care.

Goodbye Stranger

It was an early morning yesterday
I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay
But I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle
Like a queen without a throne
I’m an early morning lover
And I must be moving on

Now I believe in what you say
As the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way
To keep me in my youth

Like a ship without an anchor
Like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies
Sends a shiver through my veins

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

(Goodbye stranger it’s been nice)
(Hope you find your paradise)
(Tried to see your point of view)
(Hope your dreams will all come true)
(Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane)
(Will we ever meet again)
(Feel no sorrow, feel no shame)
(Come tomorrow, feel no pain)

Sweet devotion,
It’s not for me
Just give me motion,
To set me free
Land in the ocean,
Far away
By my chosen
Every day

So Goodbye Mary,
Goodbye Jane
Will we ever
Meet again

Now some they do and some they don’t
And some you just can’t tell
And some they will and some they won’t
With some it’s just as well

You can laugh at my behavior
That’ll never bother me
Say the devil is my savior
But I don’t pay no heed

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I’ll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

(Goodbye stranger it’s been nice)
(Hope you find your paradise)
(Tried to see your point of view)
(Hope your dreams will all come true)
(Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane)
(Will we ever meet again)
(Feel no sorrow, feel no shame)
(Come tomorrow, feel no pain)

Sweet devotion,
It’s not for me
Just give me motion,
To set me free
Land in the ocean,
Far away
By my chosen,
Every day

Now I’m leaving,
Got to go,
Hit the road
I’m sayin’ once again,
oh yes I’m leaving
Got to go,
Got to go.
I’m sorry another day
But Goodbye Mary,
Goodbye Jane
Will we ever
Meet again

Oh I’m leavin’
I’ve got to go

Last night I had that dream again. The one with You and me and also You. The river and crab pots. Pulling up pots of blue crabs. Do you remember when I had that dream before? I woke up feeling a bit unsettled and disrupted. I typed it up. Surrounding my feeling with words and corralling them into sentences. I left those sentences in the comment section of your blog. Careful not to say too much. Then I forgot about them.

Last night they came back to me. I woke up feeling lonely and lost. Knowing that I missed chances and let hurt feelings and thoughts of insignificance change my ambitions. I longed for something that wasn’t but could have been.

You had the free spirit and You had the style. I wanted both of them and I devoured your words and thoughts. I stole your emotions and reworked them until I could figure out my own. Then I worked hard to write what was. Carefully picking words and rewriting phrases until they were just right. Then I’d start all over again. Sometimes it worked out and sometimes it didn’t but I was content either way. It felt good to wake up and feel real again. But real isn’t always nice and real isn’t always pretty. Sometimes real is more than others want to hear. Real to me isn’t always the same real to others and that’s okay. My words are mine and because of You and You I’ve learned to respect them.

Thank You. And You. Really.

I suppose some people are happy with mediocrity. We all do what we need to do to get through the day and I’m no exception. If everyone is alive and not hungry by bedtime I consider myself a success. If I have manged to make a plate of home baked cookies, then all the better. There are a few things I excel at but not many. Some days, though, I find myself excelling without even trying. Today was one of those days.

I was fully aligned with my mediocrity as I dropped my daughter off at art class and started to walk at a medium pace around the the mediocre city I call home. I’d planned on an average length walk then back to pick up my daughter. I was working the second-rate day and it was working out great for me. I was almost done with my walk when it happened.

I know you think I fell and made a fool of myself but you are wrong. I have fallen and made a fool of myself many, many times but this was not one of them. I wouldn’t waste your time with that, again. I made a fool of myself in a completely different way.

The fool making involved a very large dog. He was running towards me at a great rate of speed and jumped up on the fence. He barked right in my ear and I though he was going to take my head off. Panicked, I screamed and ran a safe distance past the dog and stopped in the middle of the street. Cars had to stop because I was standing in the middle of the road. MyHusband was looking at me rather peculiarly. The owner of the dog was standing there just looking at me. He wasn’t trying to keep the dog from killing me! He wasn’t trying to control the hell-hound. Luckily the dog stopped before he ate me. Feeling that I was now out of danger I decided to tell the man what I though of him and his attack dog. It started with F and ended with U. I also spiced it up with something that rhymes with passphole.

Many of you may be unaware that I am only a potty mouth when I type. I guess I have potty fingers. In my whole entire life I have used the F word maybe 4 or 5 times. It’s just not how I interact with the world. It’s how I think about the world but not how I interact. I was raised better than that. So this was quite a momentous occasion for me. I not only used the F word, I shouted it from the middle of the road while stopping traffic, while being attacked by a dog, at a man I have never met in my life. That is exceptional! I exceeded my wildest dreams. And the fact that the attack dog was a chocolate lab wearing a bandanna and standing up on a white picket fence with his tongue hanging out and looking at me like he was waiting for me to throw him a ball doesn’t change that on little bit. No, It doesn’t.

This morning I got up and walked down the hall and the cat bit me. It wasn’t much of a bite more of a nip to remind me that he wants his breakfast – right now! This happens every morning, except this mornings was a little different. This morning after biting me he decides to sexually assault my leg. One minute I’m walking safely down the hall in my own home and the next I’m a victim of an overly exuberant pubescent kitten.

I was a little bit shocked when it first happened. Maybe it was denial. I stopped in my tracks, cocked my head to the side and wondered why the cat bit me then jumped up and smashed his lower body into my calf muscle. Was he playing a game? Did he accidentally run too fast and couldn’t stop? Maybe my unbrushed hair looked like a small animal trying to attack my head and he was coming to save me? I’m so good at denial.

I continued down the hall and proceeded to medicate myself with my morning drug of choice, caffeine. About half way through my beverage the cold hard truth starts to sink in. Noticing the look on my face MyHusband asks me what is wrong. That was when I had to explain to him what I thought our cat may have done.

He didn’t believe me at first. He though I was making some kind of joke that wasn’t really funny. He thought maybe there was more than caffeine in my morning drink. I gave him the details and he had to admit that I might be right. I really wasn’t ready to accept the facts. I wanted to believe that it was something different. I had almost convinced myself I was loosing my mind and our sweet kitty would never do something like that when I cautiously walked into the living room to check on the cat. That’s when I saw him sprawled out on his back sound asleep.

Yep! Typical male. I was sexually assaulted by a cat and there is nothing you can say to make me feel any better. I feel so dirty.

Alternate Title : Allow for a period of thirty minutes between daughters multiple hormonal outbursts and watching Joan Jett videos on Youtube.

The good news is my oldest is slowly emerging from the self absorbed, moody, overly dramatic, bullshit know as adolescence. I am once again starting to enjoy her company for more than a 5 minute pre-paid blocks of time. I’m looking forward to cashing in my unused minutes free of hormonal outbursts and persecution theories. At least that is what I am telling myself because,

The bad news is my youngest is bringing it, big time. She has had the benefit of learning from her older sister and the next couple of years are going to be quite interesting. I can just feel it. Oh yes, I can feel it. Fuck Me.

What was I thinking? I’ll tell you what I was thinking. Ohh, lets have a baby. Babies are fun! Babies are cute! Goo Goo Gahh Gahh. Tiny toes. Little shirts. Itty bitty socks. All snuggly and warm. Someone to love! A new person to bring joy into the world. Preciousness.

Then, Hey! This this wasn’t what we expected but it isn’t so bad. Lets do it again! Why wait? Go for it! A family. We’ll have a family. A big happy family.

Now, things worked out fine for awhile. I was meant to be a mom of pre-schoolers. I had the crafts. I had the little food cut into shapes and I freakin’ love play dough, Jello, and sand boxes. Bring on the mud and the finger paint. Sing Raffi songs with me! I’ll teach you your ABC’s and how to add. No Problems. YeeHaa! I was off to a roaring start.

Then…ChAoS. Full freakin’ chaos.

I’m thinking I have served my purpose. It might be time for me to move on. MyHusband can take it from here. He’s had much more experience dealing with moody women. He has two sisters. He’s lived with me all these years. I have though about it and I need to change direction in my life. I’m running off with a bass player or somethin’. Later! :)

The snow falls off the roof making a horrid scratching sound then crashing onto the ground. It only startled me but it made my dogs go nuts. Running in circles, barking and growling. This upsets the new kitten who decided to start racing up and down the hall and trying to climb up things. Like the curtain, the table cloth, my legs. Ouch! All the commotion distracts my daughter who was previously working quite contently on her math page. She starts trying to calm the kitten while I rub the scratches on my leg and try not to curse out loud. I yelled at the dogs to shut up. They deserved it. It takes about ten minutes to get everything back in order and youngest settled back to her school work. Then it happened again.

Only this time the cat pulled the table cloth off the table. Kinda like a magician’s trick except everything came off with the cloth instead of staying put. Also the aquatic frogs got bumped and now they are mad too. Thankfully, they are underwater so I can’t hear them bitching. It took 15 minutes this time to restore order but I managed. And yes, it did happen again. I don’t want to talk about it.

Instead I am going to take advantage of the finally clear roads in my neighborhood and drive to the craft store. This is part of my “organize your life plan” that I just now decided to make up. There is decoupaging involved in this plan. I feel like decoupaging some old shoe boxes and using them for storage. Maybe for a cat, I’m not sure. In case you were wondering, I’ve never been much of a decoupager but desperate times calls for drastic measures. Bring on the paste.

I took that long walk today. The one that starts out on a wide gravel road then it gets smaller and smaller. It becomes nothing more than a space between trees. Dark and foreboding full of imagined snakes and real spiders, vine covered trees, and shadows. All the things that books and movie use to foreshadow doom. I was scared to walk there without you but it didn’t stop me.

I came to the train tracks, then a tunnel entrance covered with years worth of weeds. Honey suckle, poison ivy, and morning glories. Many years ago we decided it might be a metaphor for life. God, we were trashed that day! The vines were dormant and leafless for the winter but I knew they would be back in a few months and I knew I wouldn’t have the courage to cross them when they blossomed. I stood there until I felt I would loose my nerve, then I made myself continue on.

I pushed through brush, ducked under branches and crawled over fallen trees. My walk was coming to an end and each step was just a little slower than the last. Just past the sharp turn. I just had to make it past there.

I closed my eyes and stepped into the clearing. When I opened them it was like I remembered – but different. It wasn’t quite the same. I scanned the large gaping holes where men had gouged the gravel and sand from the earth. When they had taken everything they wanted they left it unattended, ugly and broken, alone to fend for itself. We loved that ugly place. We loved it because it was ours. No one else ever went there.

All these years later and the wounds were starting to heal. Grass and trees have grown. Sharp edges were softer. The water a little less stagnant. The light was filtered by the trees and the harshness was giving way to a aged softness. I wondered for a minute if it was a metaphor for life and I wasn’t even trashed.

No one but you and me would know why I went there. Most days I think we are the only ones that would even understand. Maybe the only people that would even care. I stayed for a long time but the time I spent didn’t make up for the time I had been away. When it was time for me to go I left behind my tears, markings from a paint stick, and a mostly full bottle of strawberry wine.

The walk back was shorter than I’d though it would be.

Today the forecast calls for panic with a increased chance of extreme anxiety. Where the hell are my packages? You know the ones that have a lot of Youngest’s Christmas gifts, most of Oldest’s stuff, and ALL of MyHusband’s gifts.

I need to breathe. Deeply and slowly.

I thought I was done with Christmas shopping. I bought stuff on-line and I made the rounds to all the local shops for other gifts. I had everyone taken care of. I had a list. I checked it twice. I was organized and prepared. What was I thinking? Organized and prepared never works out for me.

Breathe. This is not the end of the world and there are a few more days until Christmas.

I was heartened when the UPS truck cruised through our neighborhood yesterday. Well until they drove right by my house without stopping.

I was sure The Post Office would deliver the other package yesterday. I mean people were out and about and the mail always gets through, right? Nope. Not a single mail truck sighting. Freakin’ wimps. You don’t get a snow day right before Christmas!

My Father-in-law will be here tomorrow. Luckily I bought his gift in November. Just need to wrap it.

I still need to get groceries. I need to finish baking. I need to wrap what I do have. I need to finish knitting a scarf and hat. I need to make another list. I need a shower. I need a beer. I need to get more beer ’cause we’re out and it’s way to early to start on the hard liquor. I need to finish cleaning the house. I need to hang the stockings by the chimney with care. I need a lot but no one is gonna give it to me so I better just get off my ass and get to work.

If you don’t hear from me I’m either frantically scrubbing toilets, washing towels, and wrapping presents or I’m passed out under the Christmas tree with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. Either way it’s all good. Have a great holiday!

P.S. Could someone please air drop me some Hershey kisses and diet coke? I’d be grateful.

[Disclaimer: Don't read this.  Seriously, don't read this.  I've listened to way too many Christmas songs and drank way too much diet coke today. It's sick and perverted.  You've been warned.]

A little know fact about me is that I was once one of Santa’s reindeer. I know you find this hard to believe, but it could be true, if it were true. And not only was I once a reindeer, I also had a very shiny nose. If you had see me back then you might have even thought it glowed. This an important part of the story so remember that. Nose glowed. Okay, now there is more to the story but it isn’t fit for children so be good for goodness sakes and don’t read this out loud to them on Christmas Eve.

Because of my nose and a few other obvious differences I was made fun of. Things like that happen but that didn’t make it any less hurtful. They didn’t even let me play in their reindeer games. Like Monopoly. I was left out, ostracized by the very deer that I hoped to make my friends. There was nowhere to turn. I had never felt more alone in my life. But things were about to change.

It was a foggy Christmas eve and I heard Santa calling me.

“Rudolph” he called.

My name isn’t Rudolph but I was okay with that. I mean, it hurts that Santa can’t remember my name, but I was alright with it. For the most part. Well, I learned to deal with it. I put on my happy face.

“Rudolph with your nose so bright” He continued, “Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight!”

I jumped to attention.

“Ohh yess, Santa, Yes. I will guide your sleigh tonight. I will guide your sleigh like it’s never been guided before. Give me that sleigh, Santa. Give it to me”

I stood there and waited as the jolly old elf, well, Lets just say, the chimney, he rose. Then he decided to speak.

“Damn girl. I wasn’t talkin ’bout all that now.”

The truth about Santa is that he is not a fat old white guy. He’s really a short skinny gangsta. Possibly from Atlanta but he doesn’t talk much about his old ‘hood. It was traumatic for him.

Now, a lot happened that foggy night and I am legally bound by my reindeer contract not to tell the whole story. They have their version of events and it’s a good version. So, lets just say that by the time I was finished, all the reindeer loved me. I mean, they really loved me. And I loved them too because I love peppermint. I really, really love peppermint. I ate peppermint sticks all night while they shouted out with glee.

Now, as fate would have it, I have gone down in history. But I don’t get any credit for it because Santa doesn’t even remember my name. It’s a sad life I live, but I’ll be fine. Just keep that peppermint coming.

I’ve decided that today is my day off. Everyone else gets them, so should I. I’ve been sitting on the couch most of the day.

I should probably go grocery shopping but there’s a box of spaghetti in the pantry.

Probably should vacuum the floor but there are Legos everywhere and they make a terrible noise when you suck them up in the vacuum

Might be a good idea to weed the other half of my garden but the weeds will be there tomorrow.

I haven’t throw a ball for the dogs in awhile but they just keep bringing the durn thing back. They’re never satisfied.

I cooked some wheat berries for a loaf of bread last night but they’ll keep for a few days in the fridge.

I did get dressed today, around noon.

I did get a new high score on bejeweled blitz.

I did tell my kids they could have popcorn for lunch.

A few minutes ago I opened my new pack of fine point markers that I bought yesterday. Then I found my tiny little sketch book with the black cover. I’m going to draw all kinds of little things, naughty secret things in it. Then I’m gonna hide it back where no one will ever find it. (In the oatmeal container)

But I’m not going to do that right now. First I’m going to take my youngest to the skate shop so she’ll stop coming in every thirty minutes and reminding me she needs to get grip tape. Then I’ll stop at the grocery store on the way home and pick up something for dinner. Then I’ll finish weeding the garden while dinner is cooking. On the way back in I’ll throw the ball for the dogs so they’ll stop acting stupid. The bread dough will get mixed up while I’m cleaning up the kitchen. It can rise overnight in the fridge.

I am not gonna vacuum though. I’m just not going to do it. It’s my day off!