The only problem with all this walking is all the time to think. Because let’s face it, walking the same streets every day can get boring. We all know that weird things happen when I think, especially if I have had too much caffeine. And when I’m bored I get angry. So I am out there thinking, bored, and angry. Also, my right foot hurt.

My left foot could win the iron man marathon, my right foot is a wuss. It’s like that whiny kid that’s always complaining about something. The one that cries because a he got a scratch walking by a brier patch, or the one that that goes all drama queen because he got mud on his shoes. You just want to smack it in the head and tell it to shut up but you can’t because you don’t believe in violence.

Anyway, back to the story. I’m thinking about stuff while feeling angry and bored and I see the most perfect lawn I’ve ever seen in my life. The grass was so green and so lush. I stopped in my tracks and started to drool. I imagined taking off my shoes and running through it. Hell, taking off my clothes and rolling in it. I was sure it felt nicer than the nicest of nice carpets. It was greener than the greenest of greens. I was falling in love with a square patch of turf. It was a pure and true love. Then things went haywire.

I saw the man spreading fertilizer on his lawn. Then I imagined that fertilizer washing down the storm drain and into the river. Then I saw the algae bloom turning the river red and the dead fish floating on the surface. I’ve seen this before and it is not pretty. I saw all the chemicals polluting the water my new baby niece would drinking and the cancer that far to many people I know have had and do have. It pissed me off. It really fucking pissed me off. So I sneered at the man when he wasn’t looking and kept on walking. I’m not much into confrontation.  I walked until I was just bored, thinking and angry instead of pissed off and then I got pissed off again.

This time I’m pissed off at the environmentalists and grass. I hate grass and I hate environmentalists. I hate them because, even if I never use one ounce of fertilizer, even if I use no chemicals on my garden, if I recycle, and if I conserve water and energy, and never go to the store without a reusable bag, it doesn’t matter. I can spend the rest of my life being environmentally conscious and I would not make one little bit of difference. There is nothing I can do in my entire lifetime that won’t be undone by one single hour, probably one single minute of all the car traffic, coal plants, commercial agriculture, chemical plants, and factories that are running at this very moment.

In the hour that I walked around my neighborhood wanting to smack my right foot, everything I have done for the environment and everything I will ever do was made null and void. And that sucks.

Fuck you, environmentalists. Fuck you, grass.

Sit in church and bow your head, shake hands firmly and criticize whoever was out of favor at the moment. Next week we might praise the same name but not this week. Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. We are one big happy family. And so it goes. Around and around. Year after year.

He hurt you because you hurt her and you sat on the porch and cried. I watched from a distance. I watched it all from a distance. The world crumbled and was rebuilt. Over and over and over. And we would pretend the cracks were not there. But I saw them and I remembered them and I enjoyed the looks of fear when I’d hint at deeds you all thought were long forgotten. Yes, I remember. No I won’t tell. I just want you all to know I could. I saw you all fall from grace. I saw you all pretend you hadn’t. I took notes.

People told me secrets. I stored them in my heart and filed them in memory. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in those memories. Other times I feel like they leaven me and help me fly. Because I did fly. Away from there. Away from the chaos and craziness. Away from the facade. Just like you knew I would. I was never one of you but sometimes I am like you. I have to remember so I can forget. I forget so I can go on. I’m doing alright. Yes, I’m doing alright. Thanks for asking. Now go away.