Confessions of Guilt – A Partial Account of the Teenage Years

Mom, remember that time you found the coupon that said $2.00 off your next pregnancy test? I told you it came in my box of tampons. It didn’t. It came in the test we bought for K.  I say we because I decided the best way to keep the pharmacist from calling her mom was for six of us to show up and ask for the test. Then we all went to my house, because no one was home, and she took it. It was an agonizing three minutes. Thankfully she wasn’t knocked up.

Also, that ticket I got for littering, it was the remains of the test. We decided to dispose of it on a back road by throwing it out the car window. So no one would find it. We disposed of it right in front of a parked cop car. Ooops. I was afraid he was going to get it and present it as evidence in court.

Mr. C, you were so impressed with me when I got a perfect score on your killer the biology final. You kept praising me and telling me how smart I was. Well, you left the answer key face-up on your desk. I sat by your desk and I have really good eyesight.

Dad, you know that time I borrowed your car and the next day you found a stick stuck in the shocks? I pretended I had no idea how it got there. Well, I decided to go four-wheeling. Everyone else was going and I didn’t want to leave your car on the side of the road where someone drunker than us could hit it. It didn’t work too well until T. suggested hooking my car to the back of his truck with some chains. We had a great time! I’ve always wondered if that’s why the bumper fell off a few weeks later.

S., there was that night when I was mad at you because you were with another girl. I told you that I was with B. at M and R’s house “playing with his ferret”. I was really playing with his pet ferret. I took great pleasure in how angry and jealous you became. I had no idea you would get drunk and pick a fight with everyone that crossed your path.

There were two more negative pregnancy tests in the construction dumpster near the new sub-division, and one in the big trash bin by the water-slide. Apparently almost all teenage girls think they are pregnant the first time they have sex. I should have saved that coupon.

Mrs. B. I once pinched your husbands’ ass because I had a crush on him and thought that was what you did when you liked someone. He jumped up and squealed like a little girl then ran out of the room. That’s explains why he stopped letting me have sips of his beer.

Hon, I had no idea that my husband would one day work with the man who was the victim of my early teenage, ass pinching faux pas. That explains why he kept offering me beer at the Christmas part, yes?

There is more but I don’t think I can tell them, yet. Thanks for hearing my confessions!