ImPerceptibility

I thought I saw you. You were just around the corner, entering the room I had just walked away from. I wasn’t sure it was you and I felt too shy to go back and find out. So I continued on. My thoughts were not on the present. They weren’t on the past or the future either. I guess they were in a holding pattern circling a tiny seed of opportunity and I let my self-doubt crumble it into a powder. The opportunity scattered and it was sucked into the past as I slowly walked away.

I’m too old for heroes. The people you look up to, not the tasty sandwich. Sandwiches fill your belly with tasty goodness and heroes fill your head with dreams. They leave trails in the sand that you can follow until you find your own way. But eventually they will let you down, break your heart because heroes aren’t real people. They just aren’t real and I wanted you to be real but I didn’t trust you enough to allow you that opportunity. I didn’t want to be disappointed.  I was also afraid that you would reject me. Maybe you’d see that I’m not what I try so hard to be. Sometimes it’s better to keep it safe than keep it real. So I walked on.

I think it’s good that I have sense of humor because I was studying pictures of heroes when I saw you again. You walked past me for a closer look at a display. I watched you and when you turned toward me I smiled. You frowned back at me. I had expected that. It was a thoughtful, contemplative frown. I have the same one. It’s very off-putting to people that don’t understand but it thrilled me. I tried to think of something to say but I couldn’t. That one girl kinda scared me. Her frown wasn’t contemplative. I worried that she misunderstood my intentions. I turned and listened to someone else and let my heart ache just a little as I made my way down another hallway and into a noisier more active place. I berated myself for being so inept. Then I walked out the door.

A train went overhead as I waited outside. It was loud and fast and urgent. I understood that feeling but refused to acknowledge it. I waved at a man fishing in the river. I looked at the graffiti. I listened to “that” song on my iPod. Then I went home and spent the rest of the evening in my garden.

Maybe another day. Maybe not. I suppose time will tell. Maybe we could have lunch down by the river… I could bring hero sandwiches. You could bring your girls I could bring my girls and we could all smile until the mosquitos came out.

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