I Found My Special Purpose!

Some days I wish that I could use my blog for good. I haven’t been able to think of an appropriate way to do this. Then, out of the blue, inspiration in the form of a search engine inquiry struck. It struck hard and I was thrilled. I now have purpose and meaning in my life. I have discovered that all the drunken and formerly meaningless nights of youth were but a steeping stone to my ultimate purpose. I am pleased to share with you the new purpose of my life: Bar patron searching for Redneck bar on the Potomac liaison. It makes me a little weepy just thinking about it.

Dear Sir,

I recently received your search for redneck bar on the Potomac River. I am pleased to announce that you have come to the right place! I am both the spokes woman and former patron of most all of ‘em.

Please complete the following questionnaire. Based on your responses I will e-mail the ideal redneck bar on the Potomac matched to your own personal styled of redneckedness.

What side of the rivah will you be staying?

_This side _That side

Do you wish to wear a shirt? Y/N

On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1=Olive Oyle and 10=Jason Bourne how tough are you?_

How tough are you really? (Please select all that apply)

_Fu man what?

_I’ve castrated bulls

_I have all my teeth

_The number 8 should be retired

_I had a bath today

Do you have a sexual preference?

_Man _Woman _Beast _Whatever’ll have me

Please select the proper condiment for biscuits:

_Red Eye Gravy _Sausage Gravy _Marmalade

Please select the proper name for a deer:

_Bambi _Buck _Igot’em!

Have you ever rocked down to Electric Avenue? Y/N

If yes, would you be willing to explain where it is and why everyone is rockin’ down to it? Y/N

Do you carry a concealed weapon? Y/N (If yes please select all that apply)

_Gun _Shotgun _Deer Guttin’ Knife _Swiss Army Knife _Mama’s biscuits

Do you own a motorcycle? Y/N (If yes, please select all that apply)

_Chop This! _Hog Wild _Honda’s are a pleasure to ride _I’m a motorrade man _Other

Please underline you choice for the proper definition of mullet.

A) It’s a fish B) It’s a sexy haircut C) It’s something you hit things with

When you inadvertently insult Earl’s woman or mamma and are forcefully removed from the bar, do you know how to swim? Y/N

Can you swim while being pelted with beer bottles? Y/N

Can you swim with Earl’s mamma’s legs wrapped around your neck? Y/N

Please briefly explain the difference between a good ‘ole boy and a redneck. (Ex: A good ‘ole boy raises livestock. A redneck gets romantically involved)

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Thank you for your recent inquiry. I hope that your trip to a redneck bar on the Potomac River will be a memorable experience.

Without an ounce of Sincerity,

ImPerceptible