ImPerceptibility

I’ve been to Fear Fest at our local amusement park two weekends in row. Once With MyHusband and once with my oldest daughter. Both times were great in different ways. I might talk about that later. Right now I want you to know that I have been thinking about it and I am convinced that if I suddenly found myself in a horror movie, I would be the first one dead.

I don’t think anyone wants to admit that they are prime fodder for ghouls, ghost, and ax murders. I think we all like to think we’re at least a little bad-ass and prepared for hostile alien attacks or marauding pirates. When I imagine my response to a sudden in home raid by homeland security, I’m swinging a frying pan and throwing apples at those asshats. Blood thirsty bat people attack while I’m hiking in the National Forest? No problem, I’m grabbing the nearest tree branch and going all Kung Foo on their ass. This belief gets me through my day. That and my box of wine I got from Target.

Unfortunately, my peace of mind has been lost. Well, I haven’t actually lost my mind. It’s more disrupted. You see, I’m actually not the least bit bad-ass when faced with make-believe goblins or bloody chain-saw hitchhikers. Shocking, yes? But it is true. I’ll give you examples.

Example 1 – I am cruising through Club Blood with my oldest when a man dressed in black with chains and a hood walks up beside me. He states that I should follow him “to my doom”. I say, “OK, but are you sure you’re giving me good advice” He starts to chuckle. I followed him anyway. And I liked it.

Example 2 – I am riding the electric cars through the woods at night. A bloody man with a chain saw walks up beside my car. He asked me if I would stop and give him a ride. I did stop and I told him “Sure, jump in” He looks at me funny then walks off. I honestly thought his shift was over and wanted a ride back to the station. Then I worried that I’d hurt his ego because I wasn’t scared of him.

There are more examples but I’ll just get depressed if I sit here and type them all out. Let’s just say if I ever had to protect my family from possessed clowns, my plan to throw a pot of boiling water on them then run out the back door to get the pick ax isn’t going to work out. I’d better have a backup plan. Like… feed them gingerbread and milk and sing lullabies until they fall asleep. Or scold them about dripping entrails on the carpet and sneak out the back door while they’re finishing up their bubble bath. I mean, bad-ass is one thing but I’d never pull it off. Might as well go with what works. What else can you do?