If I Wasn’t a Mom I’d be a Lazy Bum

  I pretty sure that I have the potential to be a lazy bum. Probably a fairly high potential. It might even be a calling. Sitting here today I realize the only thing that keep me from fulfilling my calling is motherhood.

I don’t suppose it matters that I wasn’t a lazy bum before I became a mother. That was a whole nuther life. As of today I’m certain. Lazy bum was my destination and I jumped off the train before I reached my stop. I sometimes do impulsive things like that. Figuratively, of course. Not literally.

You may wonder how I came to be so certain. It’s a long story. Not terribly long. I’m too lazy to give all the details. Here’s the summary.

I woke up this morning at 7:00. The dogs were barking so loudly I thought the horses of the apocalypse had descended upon our backyard and taken up residence in the shed. I let the dogs out and took a look. They were close. It was a damned squirrel.

I sat down and noticed the cherry blossoms were falling off the tree in our front yard. I wanted to sit there and watch them. I wanted to watch them all day. But my daughter got up.

She is a morning person. More specifically a morning talker. She talked for almost and hour about unicorns. “Just because you’ve never seen something doesn’t mean they are not real. There’s Santa Claus, Fairies, Australia.” Then her sister got up and we had breakfast. I refereed a fight while sneaking a peak at the white clouds blowing across the sky. I looked longingly at my chair and the blossoms swirling in the wind. I remembered the chocolate that was in the cabinet. Then I remembered my daughter ate my chocolate last week.

There were a couple hours of math problems, spelling tests, rhyming words, and a very loud argument over who gets to use the bunny pencil today. It’s my pencil and I’m tired of the kids thinking they can use it.

Decided to walk the dogs. Walked my neighbors’ dogs. Trained for the one mile run my daughters wanted to enter. They wanted the free T-shirt. The whole running for a mile isn’t as fun as they thought it would be.

Then lunch. The noodles boiled over. Cleaned the stove. Did the dishes.

Start a load of laundry while watching the sun move to the backyard. Cursed Helios for driving his chariot too fast.

Watered the plants. Took a shower. Took the kids to PE class. Drove to Borders to look for books about unicorns. Returned home sighing as I drove over the pear blossoms on the street.

Folded laundry on the front porch while the girls played scooter tag. I wished for a glass of the Merlot I forgot to pick up at the store. Time to start dinner.

Ate dinner. Did the dishes. Cleaned the Bathroom.

Now it 7:00pm. All I wanted to do was sit in my chair all day and watch the cherry blossoms fall off the tree. Maybe have a glass of the Merlot I forgot to get from the store and some of the chocolate my daughter ate. It’s obvious. I missed my calling. It’s really a crying shame. I’m sure I have a tremendous ability to succeed as a lazy bum…or maybe a unicorn… I bet I’d be a really good unicorn…

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