ImPerceptible has a Temper Tantrum

There isn’t a whole lot that can really make me mad. I get irritated. I get annoyed. I occasionally get perturbed. I usually just take the crap and forget about it. I’m “a very patient person”. Many people have told me this. They are wrong but they tell me this. I’m telling you this now so you can understand. I want you to understand why there is now a stockade style fence across a small portion of my backyard.

It’s the small portion that connects to the home of the crazy old lady that sits on her back deck in her nightgown at 2:00 in the afternoon. She amuses herself by staring into my backyard, where my children are playing, and smoking cigarettes. She also has a bad habit of thinking she knows more than anyone else in the world. She demonstrates this by starting conversations and not giving anyone else a chance to speak. Let me give you an example:

“Your dogs are barking way too much.”

“They are puppies and just getting use to being here. You can try talking to them through the fence or giving them a treat. Once they get to know you…

“No! That would be rewarding their behavior. You need to get your dogs training.” Blah blah blah a bunch of other crap. Her head is so far up her own ass there is really no reason to type the rest up.

I basically just ignored her and the puppies got used to their surrounding and stopped barking as much. Except for when they see her.

A few weeks later the dogs were barking and I opened the kitchen window to tell them to stop.

“This is getting to be a disturbance!” She shouted at me from her deck.

I stood there and felt the pressure in my head increase. She then went on to tell me my dogs, the ones that only bark at strangers and her, not even the mail lady, needed training. I was down the stairs and headed to the back fence faster than you can say I was fuckin’ pissed. She was smart enough to go inside before I got there. I did something that resembles the riverdance mixed with air traffic controller hand signals.

I called my husband and he gave me loud instructions to tell her to kiss my ass. Instead, I went and talked to the other neighbors. No one had a problem.

“They hardly bark at all.”
“I’m outside all the time. They just ignore me”
“Huh? Is she a wacko?”
“They bark a few times when they first see me then just run off”
“You know dogs can smell evil. You better watch her.”
“Maybe you should suggest pain in the ass neighbor training?”
“I’d guess that either she’s done something to upset them, or she reminds them of someone who has”

I was now confident that I hadn’t missed the fact that my dogs had a terrible barking problem. So I decided to build a fence. A tall fence. A stockade style fence. Just in case, a fence that prevented anyone from bothering my dogs. It was to be the type of fence that made a point.

One of our neighbors helped and it was up in two days. There were suggestions from others as to proper fence decorations. I didn’t use any of them but they were good ideas.

Acoustical foam. Gang graffiti. Satanic symbols (She’s extremely religious). Nasty hand signs. A beware of dogs sign. Razor wire. And my personal favorite, a mural of my dogs barking.

During the construction she came over and told my husband that the dogs barked at her because they were bored. I wasn’t aware she had a degree in dog psychology. I am aware that she had a cat. It ran away.

These dogs have a whole yard of toys. Between 2 and 7 children to play with on a daily basis, and since I’m home most of the day plenty of attention. My husband told her she was the only person around here with a problem. She shut up. I hope it lasts. I hope that good fences do in fact make good neighbors. We’ll see.

[Update: Since this was written she has adopted a dog. It barks way more than my two and suddenly the barking doesn’t bother her anymore. So far, I have resisted the urge to tell her to get her dog some training. But I think about it and chuckle to myself sinisterly.]