Spank My Kids? Why Should I?
When I first became a parent the biggest question I asked myself about spanking my children was, why should I? Perhaps you have an answer but it better not be because Jesus said so. I’m not buying that load of crap. The bible says you shouldn’t eat shellfish but I’ve seen you at the Red Lobster praying over your dinner. You’re not fooling me.
When my oldest was about two someone asked me if I spanked her. I was hurt and offended by the question. Why would anyone think I’d do that?
“I’m intelligent enough to manage a two-year-old without beating her into submission” I snapped back. Looking around I saw the faces of other parents. Some with children older than mine, some with grown children and I saw guilt and regret in their eyes. It reinforced my views even more.
The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. Children do not stay children forever. How do you explain to your twenty-year-old that they were so bad you had no choice other than hurting them to make them behave? How can you justify teaching your children that they deserve to be hurt when they make a mistake? If you should never hit your kids when you’re angry, what kind of person hits their kids when they have a clear calm mind? How will you feel when your kids are hitting your grandchildren because that’s the only thing they know to do?
The fact of the matter is you do not have to hit your children. Some parents say you should spank young children if they try to run into the street or are doing something dangerous. I found that my panicked scream and firmly explaining the danger worked just fine. It was my job to watch them anyway. They were too young for that responsibility.
Some parents say spanking children makes them more responsible. I disagree strongly. Spanking removes any personal responsibility. You were wrong, you’ve been punished, go play. Instead try, you were wrong, go make it better, go play. Having them fix their mistakes builds responsibility. Spanking gives them an easy out.
But what about when kids are out of control and won’t behave at all? The few times that happened to me have been when I’ve expected too much from my children. If you mess with their naps, food, or comfort levels they go ballistic. They’re not adults. If it’s obvious they are tired, hungry, and over-stimulated don’t drag them to another store so you can get those new shoes on sale. Call it a day and take them home. Next time be more considerate of their needs and plan your day better. Yes, it will probably piss you off but you’ll get over it. You’re an adult. In a few years you’ll be the one whining to go home while your pre-teen tries on just one more shirt.
So far, I’ve managed to get through every single problem some parents say justify a spanking without spanking my children. It wasn’t easy and there were times I seriously questioned my decision. There were times I was so frustrated and angry that I almost hit them when I didn’t want to. But, I didn’t and I won’t. I don’t think I could say that now if I hadn’t made a firm decision from the start about not spanking.
I hope that one day all parents will take the time make that decision. I hope that all parents make that decision with a newborn in their arms, when the choice is obvious and not wait until their two-year-old spits peas in their face. It makes it a lot easier to make the right choice.
You can add your opinion or read other opinions on Spank Out Day and/or The National Day of Prayer at the Thinking Homeschoolers Project.
This day is SO not what I thought it was! Gah!
But in all seriousness, I think I agree with you. It has recently been made illegal in NZ. Although that’s controversial in its own way of course. But, I think I agree. I guess I don’t have a fully formed opinion yet.
I’m a firm believer that the problem with the youth of today is too many talks and not enough spankings.
You’ve never seen me at Red Lobster.
Amelia – You can make the day what you want. :)
I don’t think spanking should be illegal but I don’t think it’s necessary or a good idea.
Whit – Bullshit!
No, he’s not bullshitting. You should have seen how raw my ass was on Sunday morning!
Excellent post!
I’ll have to remember the “I’m intelligent enough to manage a two-year-old without beating her into submission” snappy comeback.
Nance
RTK – I really need to move. I miss out on all the fun. In all fairness, you’re not a youth (even though you’re not as old as Whit) and you deserved it! Now you guys behave. This is something I feel strongly about. I’ll do a post later about your ass.
Nance – Thanks! I kinda felt bad about saying that at the time but it was exactly how I felt.
Whit needs to take out “the youth of” and replace it with “relationships”. Then I’ll back him 100%.
But in all seriousness, I think I agree with you on the spanking thing. I just don’t have any kids, so no one is going to listen to me. I’m also against corporal punishment in schools which is still very much alive and (un)well around the globe.
Beloved – I’ll let him know.
When I was in school it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who got hit in school. Minority boys usually. I remember the principal walking around the halls with his paddle asking the teachers if they had any bad kids. I thought he was a bully then, but I wouldn’t have told him that, and I think he was bully now. I’d tell him that now. I wonder if I can find an e-mail address for him?
I agree…most of the time other forms of discipline are more effective and offer more of an opportunity to teach your child a lesson about how to behave appropriately. I don’t think spanking should be made illegal, but I do think other forms of punishment are better. And I think you’re right…it’s important to understand your child and his/her needs at the time as well as their age and what they’re capable of handling and understanding. There is an excellent debate about spanking at http://www.opposingviews.com/questions/is-spanking-an-acceptable-form-of-discipline. Experts from both sides debate the issue, and the Center for Effective Discipline takes the anti-spanking side, making some good recommendations for why not to spank. A really great read!
Thanks for the link. I’ll have to check that out.
ImPerceptibles last blog post..Locally Grown Zucchini .99/lb
This is my first time visiting this blog and I have to say I love the tenor of the blog even if I have to respectfully disagree. I’m a mother of five, a grandmother of eight and I’ve been in child development for over thirty years. Did I spank any child in a classroom…absolutely not! Did I spank judiciously at home…you betcha.
In no way do I advocate beating or spanking out of anger or frustration. I am not a bible thumper or even religious. I am a product of a time when children respected their parents and elders, when you felt pretty good about the education your child was receiving in public school without them even having to go through a metal detector before entering, and when a child knew that there were limits and boundaries for their behavior.
Believe it or not, I spanked my kids bottoms when they crossed that boundary and they have all turned out to be well-adjusted contributing members of society and love me dearly, as they know I love them. They have not become abusers, sexual perverts or any of the other miscreants that the anti-spankers warn of.
When my grandchildren cross those same baoundaries that were set for their parents they know they will get a chance to think about why they made that decision then they will get a couple of stinging swats on their behinds and remember next time that the boundary exist. And in reality once the boundaries are understood there is rarely an occasion that warrants a spanking. There is such a distinction between an understood consequence and an angry lashing out. And that distiction has to be made.
Every aspect of our society is based on respect for boundaries. Laws, property rights, and just civil existence depends on them. When they are set and consistently enforced at home they’re reflected in that society. I don’t see that happening right now. All the advocates for endless discussion, redirection and timeouts can look around and see how this generation is suffering the consequences for a well meaning ideology gone wrong.
Carol Tates last blog post..Living By The Golden Rule
Carol, I respectfully call BULLSHIT. How can you for one instance suggest that ‘a couple of stinging swats’ on the behind is the best way to set boundaries?
First of all I respect my children. I have no more right to hit them than they have to hit me. There is no exception in our home. You do not hit for any reason. Hitting is ALWAYS wrong, be it a person or animal. That is true for everyone even the adults, even the visitors. My children understand this on the most basic level and their actions reflect this. They have lived that way since they were born. You see, I don’t ‘talk the talk’ as you mentioned on your blog. My children have learned by the example of MyHusband and myself. I have never had a problem with them being physically aggressive. Ever. Even when they were small.
If in fact this generation is suffering, and I don’t necessarrily agree (You see my great-grandmother told me at the age of 92 that there is nothing going on today that wasn’t going when she was a girl. People just choose to forget or idealize the past.)it isn’t because they weren’t exposed to enough violence. Perhaps the opposite is true. If more parents took the time to get to know their children, love them, protect them, and respect them for the unique and perfect little people they are then there would not be a question of spanking or not spanking. The very idea would be as disgusting to every parent as it is to me. I can’t even imagine hitting my children.
I spent hours of my life sitting in the floor talking to my kids about sharing and being fair with each other. At times it seemed like an ‘endless discussion’ but you know what, the discussion has ended and they now have skills that other parents and teacher make a point to compliment. So yes, I am an advocate for ‘endless discussions’ and guess what, they work. I guess I should have saved some time and smacked them around instead.
BTW, Are you the same Carol Tate that is the Director of the Women’s Ministry in Mobile Alabama? Just curious because you said you weren’t religious in your other comment. Also curious if you’re the person that came here specifically looking for ‘spanking children blog’? Perhaps you have an agenda you’d like to discuss? Do you have a copy of “Train up a Child” on your nightstand? Own stock in plumbing supply line?
Thank you for your time but this is a non-negotiable issue to me.
ImPerceptibles last blog post..Photoshopped Photo – Held Back
OMG, I’d rather be pulled apart by stampeding elephants than to have my name linked with anything followed by Ministry! I wasn’t even aware there was such an organization. It might upset my children and husband, but I definitely may have to change my name. You’re just making that up.
Nope, no agenda here. I don’t have time for an agenda. It takes all my time being evil and vicious and looking for opportunities to beat small children. But I am open for discussion.
I spent hours with my kids talking and teaching and training as well. As I do with my grndchildren. I respect them immensely and they respect me, and they don’t do it out of fear. I’m amazingly proud of all five of my kids and they’re great parents who use love and logic and the occasional swat on the fanny.
I have no problem with spanking being a non-negotialbe issue with you. Because how you choose to dicipline your children is definitley your right and responsibility. But the same goes for those with differing opinions.
I don’t want to ignite anything here, but I can’t believe you actually wrote that there is nothing going on now that wasn’t going on when your 92 year old great-grandmother was raising her children.
Oddly enough, when my 82 year old mother was living with us before she died she said on a very regular basis that she’d hate to be raising children in a world where you had to worry every time they went out the door. There’s plenty going on now that wasn’t going on in past generations. I would venture to say that some of those differences are why you choose to home-school.
I was able to ride my bike until dark with my friends and have sleepouts on the ballfield, and never had to feel afraid. When my big brother got into a fight at school he came home with a black eye not carried out on a stretcher with a gunshot in his head. And when my mom found out he started the fight he got a spanking. Not a beating, not smacked around, bent over and swatted on the butt.
I really do enjoy your blog, I like the irreverant humor and the no-holds-barred attitude. But if you get this cranky with everyone that disagrees with you, you need to lighten up. Don’t spank your kids. Jeeze, perish the thought! But don’t treat everyone that does like Mommie Dearest. I swear I don’t have a problem with wire hangers!
Carol Tates last blog post..Living By The Golden Rule
Carol – I think I might love you. You are welcome here anytime and please come back often. To answer your question, no, I don’t get cranky with people that disagree with me. I do have a lot of fun messing with the fundies though. It’s a weakness, but we all have them. BTW my great-grandmother tended to take a lot of ‘medicine’. :) But in many ways she was right. My daughters school is no less safe than the one I went too. Maybe safer. The difference is we now know about the dangers when in the past they were kept under cover. I don’t think knowing about the danger is a bad thing. Maybe our reactions to it is.
I still stand firm on my belief that there is never a good reason to hit a child. I’ll never say anything different.
I agree with your post. I don’t understand why people think it is ok to hit a child, for any reason. It just does not make sense to me. It is not okay to hit anyone else, so why would it be okay just because someone is smaller than you and dependent on your for their every need?
I too have a zero tolerance policy toward violence in our family. I have found that the times when I was tempted to hit my children it was because I was tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed, not because they particularly deserved it in that moment. If I didn’t have that zero tolerance policy holding me back, I’m sure I would have given in.
I have a 7 year old, a 5 year old, an 18 month old and I’m expecting twins, and although it is more difficult to find ways to discipline that I believe are healthy and beneficial (we have attended different parenting classes, read tons of books on the matter, and seek out advice from experts in child developement often) I believe that being able to say to my child(ren), “I loved you enough that I never wanted to hurt you” and not have him/her say, “What about when you…” is worth it. Yes, it is hard to be consistent, yes it takes endless creativity and patience, but we chose to have these children, and it is our responsibilty to discipline (teach) them how to be responsible people.
I don’t buy that “kids today are less respectful” because they are not spanked. Polls show that 90% of Americans believe children sometimes need a “good hard spanking” and my experience with other parents backs this up. I also believe the overwhelming majority of adults today were most likely spanked as children, and it is adults who are responsible for the problems we have, not today’s children.
Marries last blog post..Identical Boys facing each other
Marrie – I agree. I just don’t understand the mindset of people that think violence and fear are the same thing as discipline.
Привет, я думала что это совсем не так происходит:)
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Мой блог: http://vyshivkatrio.blog.ru/
Spanking детей? Да это происходит, и я считаю, это не должно произойти.
Интересно. Bы знаete русского?
Very little. I tried to learn some when I was kid because I wanted to be a spy. Then later I learned a little more. I like to translate it but speaking it is another story.