ImPerceptibility

Posts Tagged ‘cabbage’

December 8, 2006
Telling you About Purple Hair
Dear Reader,

Well I was supposed to see you next Wednesday but something happened that I think I should tell you about while it’s still fresh in my mind. I went and turned my hair purple. No, not on purpose. It was a mistake.

My hairdresser, Mike, the gay guy, usually does my hair on Fridays. He’s a good boy. I feel bad for his mom on account of him not giving her any grandkids but he’s a real good boy and takes care of his momma. She can’t complain about that. Not one bit.

So I was saying, every Friday I go and get my hair done. Once a month I go and get it colored as well. It costs me $40 for the cut-n-color special. That’s what they call it. You get your hair cut and colored. They throw in a fee styling as well. My problem was, I spent too much money on fancy pancake syrup and didn’t have enough for the color part. Mike offered to do it anyway. He said I could pay him next time. I told him no. If I can’t afford to pay you then I can’t afford to get it done. Plain and simple. I don’t like to put myself in debt. It isn’t wise when you’re my age. I could kick the bucket tomorrow and poor Mike would never get his money. He wouldn’t ask Mr. Brandie for it because he’s such a polite young man. He wouldn’t want to interrupt the mourning process with business.

I decided I’d do it myself. They had discount hair coloring at the Bottom Dollar for just 3 bucks. I had three bucks so I decided what the heck, I’ll do it. I read most of the direction and started to color my hair. Oh boy, that stuff did smell bad, but it was in a bin beside the cabbage in the store. I figured that was the problem. They call that cross contamination. It can happen. They should have put some baking soda in between the bins. So I wasn’t too worried. I got it all in my hair and set the timer on the stove to 15 minutes, like it told me to do.

I was so excited dancing around the house in my underwear and a towel singing that old hair color commercial. You know the one; ‘I washed that gray right out of my hair’. That was a good commercial and they should bring it back. I was having so much fun. Then the timer went off and I washed the gray out. The only problem was I washed the gray into purple. It’s not one of those purple tints like the artsy people talk about. It was purple. Just plain purple. So now I got to go to BINGO looking like a floozy. I just don’t know what to do. It’s really not a good thing.

I sure do appreciate you stopping by to hear my story. You are good people to listen to my problems. Remember to take care of yourself and don’t use the hair color by the cabbage at Bottom Dollar. Unless you want to be looking like a purple haired floozy. Then you can go right ahead and do it. I’ll be back Wednesday to tell you about something else. I don’t know what because my head is itching me like the devil and I can’t think straight.

Sincerely,
Miss Brandie

So far, I have eaten radishes plucked from my garden at the peak of readiness. I’ve sampled a few carrots and picked my first hot pepper. It was wonderfully hot. I have eaten so much fresh green lettuce that I can’t stand the sight of it anymore. I now grab full plants and pull them roughly from the ground. Then I sneak to the compost and throw them in. Die little suckers die! You are no longer welcome here.

I’m not sure what evil demon of nostalgia convinced me I needed a cornfield in my suburban backyard, but it’s doing well. The ears are just starting to fill out. Hopefully soon I’ll have some corn on the cob and corn stalks for Halloween decorations. It’s looking good.

The squash has finally decided to stop rotting on the vine and I should be cooking them up soon. I’m on my second harvest of broccoli, the cabbage is finally making heads, and three of the five potato buckets have been dumped out. This is all fine and good.

I made raspberry jam from the last of the raspberries and blackberry jam from the first of the blackberries. There are also four pints of plum sauce in my pantry. This makes me happy.

But those of you that know me best, and love me in spite of it, know that all of this is just a means of occupying myself until my true passion can be fulfilled. Yes, today is the day. The day of the fresh ripe tomato. I’m slightly overcome with emotion right now, but don’t fear. I found the corkscrew and I bought a bottle of Merlot with a chicken on it for the occasion. Life is good.