ImPerceptibility

Posts Tagged ‘movies’

I was watching some old home movies of the girls from when they were little. I had to giggle at all the times they said, “Look, Mommy” or “Mommy, see, I can…” I’m not sure I appreciated it enough at the time, but some times you just have to get through the day. I guess that’s one of the reasons we make movies, take pictures, and write blogs. That way you can appreciate to your hearts content at a more convenient time.

I stopped a few videos at the smile. You know the one. The wild eyed, excited, I never did that before and I am so proud of myself now smile. It’s the perfect picture. There is nothing else on this earth that even comes close to filling me with more joy. That smile makes everything worthwhile.

Last night at the basketball game Oldest got a rebound and made an awesome basket. The most awesome basket of her short basketball career. I clapped and cheered and waited for the smile. I watches as she turned her head, not to look and make sure I was watching, but to see the cheers of her coach and teammates. Then she ran back down the court and continued to play. She never even looked my way.

I suppose that’s okay. She’s growing up and doesn’t need Mommy to validate her accomplishments. There’s a whole world of people out there that will support her and cheer for her, and that is a good thing. But damn it, I wanted that smile. That smile was there because of all the previous smiles I had helped her achieve. From her first steps, to the first game of catch, to helping her find just the right pair of court shoes. That smile was mine and I felt cheated even though I tried not to feel that way. I did my best to hide it.

After the game was done I walked over to give her shoes and sweatpants. I smiled extra big when I told her that she had played a good game. She told me with all the confidence (arrogance) of a 12yo that it was in fact an excellent game. She talked excitedly about some of the key plays of the game. She mentioned her awesome shot and I gave her a big hug. She smiled really big when I told her she was getting good and looking a lot more confident on the court. Then we went home.

After she got a quick shower, I went to tell her goodnight. She had come down from her post game high and was all sleepy eyed and ready to dream. I kissed her on the forehead and when I was walking out she asked me, “Did you see that basket, Mom? Did you see how I did that?”

I nodded an told her of course I did. She giggled and told me of course I had. She said it like it was completely and totally expected that I was rooting for her. There was no doubt in her mind. Then she rolled over and went to sleep and I went back out to watch some more old movies.

I smiled at the baby smiles on the screen and found contentment in knowing that they know I’m always rooting for them, even when they are too busy living their own lives to acknowledge it. I hope they live the rest of their lives knowing I’m their biggest fan even when they’re sprawled out at half court because they just tripped over their own feet. But I also hope I get more of those smiles, just for me. I’m selfish like that and that is just the way it is.