ImPerceptibility

Posts Tagged ‘pee’

I woke up feeling pretty good and rested considering I’d spent the night sleeping with five very attractive men. I was a bit disappointed I’d only seen two of them naked but what can you do? I was ready to hop out of bed and start my day but it didn’t happen. I could not lift my legs over the side rail of the bunk bed. “Holy Shit!” I thought, “I have done permanent injure to my lower extremities.” I laid there for a little while listening to everyone breath then I rolled over and went back to sleep. I decided to try again later and it worked out for me. Mostly because when I woke up the second time I was hungry. Very, very hungry. It motivated me.

We packed up, picked up our lunches and got ready to head out. Oli gave me a walky talky to keep in touch with the rest of the group. “Cleanup on aisle 6” I announced into the handset with my best supermarket announcer voice. No one answered so I figured either mine wasn’t working or my humor wasn’t appreciated. It happens. It happens a lot actually. I’m used to it.

We had a nice day for walking. The view wasn’t as spectacular as Day 3 but the path was flat and grassy. At this point I needed flat and grassy. It was nice listening to the chatter over the handset as we walked. It didn’t seem like we were all alone in the middle of nowhere. Plus Oli’s banter was quite motivating. We were doing pretty good that day until I realized I had to use the bathroom.

I really needed to use the bathroom. Unfortunately we were walking in a more active area and there wasn’t any public bathrooms to be found. We walked and watched a farmer harvest an entire field of wheat. And I still had to use the bathroom. My bladder was aching, and yes, the bathroom. In desperation I grabbed a tissue from MyHusband’s pack and ran behind a tree.

I looked behind me and and I looked in front of me. There was no one around so I dropped my pants and started taking care of business. I was mid business when I saw two women with a dog walking up a previously unnoticed path to my right. There was no grab and run. The floodgates had been released and they weren’t stopping for two women with a dog. I sat there crouched beside a tree , white ass gleaming, peeing and trying to act casual. I managed to finish up before they got close enough to identify me, I think. I scurried back to my husband with my undies in a bunch from the quick pull on and run. We sat on a bench pretending we were having an intense discussion. They walked by and I had to bite my lip hard so I wouldn’t laugh when the dog stopped by my pee tree and looked at it funny.

MyHusband and I had our first argument and only argument of the trip today. It really wasn’t much of an argument, half-assed at best. We have done better. It was almost pathetic as far as arguments go and not really worth mentioning. Moving on.

We finally arrived in Carlise and it looked like a fun town. I was too beat to really care but it looked fun. We made our way up to our room on the third floor and I took off my boots. Big mistake.

My big toe had a huge blood blister going completely around my nail and there were pieces of skin hanging off the side. The toenail was a disgusting color of purple and it was numb.

“Just look at my toe!” I whined to MyHusband. Then I started to cry. It seems crying was becoming a habit on this trip. It was what it was.

I managed to eventually get myself together enough to head back out for dinner. I felt bad that we had missed seeing the founder of the organization we were walking for but what can you do? I walked into the bar and ordered a beer. Then I drank it, quickly. About the time I was peering up through the bottom of the glass, emptying the last precious drop into my mouth I had a revelation. I would drink until everything stopped hurting. It seemed like a good plan. I was looking through the bottom of the second, or maybe third pint when I saw Rajiv taking off his shirt.

“We’re supposed to take off our shirts!” I shouted. Who knew British Pub etiquette dictated taking off your shirt before drinking? No wonder I was having problems getting to know people. I was uneducated about the local customs. When in Rome, I thought. That’s when I frightened an entire pub full of innocent people. I don’t think anyone really needed to see me pulling off my shirt but at least everyone was polite enough to act like they liked it. Some of them were kind enough to act like they really, really liked it.

We went for a great dinner at a Chinese restaurant shortly after that. It was fun night and I downed a couple more beers. By the time I fell into bed at the end of the night I was quite happy. Only 15 miles left, I sang in my head like a small child singing a nursery rhyme. 15 Miles to go. I’m going to make it.

Youngest was in her room playing with her Magnetics and singing softly to herself. I was cleaning up the kitchen and only half listening. Youngest is a bundle of noise, action, and commotion from the moment she wakes up until she passes out exhausted on her pillow at night. I’ve learned to accept it, ignore it, and even appreciate it. You don’t get bored when she is around, even if you’d like to. I couldn’t imagine her any other way. I wouldn’t want to.

She came out of her room and requested an audience. She had a song for me. Then with a scream unlike any I have ever heard from a sane and uninjured individual she began.

Even a flip-flop is dangerous if it gets stuck in your mouth!
Stuck in your mouth!
It’s dangerous if it gets stuck in your moooouuuth!
You might choke.
It could happen.

You’ve got no bars for the holiday
No bars for the holiday.
You’ve got no bars for the holiday
Because your cell phone got flushed down the toilet.
And you’re never gonna get it back.

You’ve got no love for the holiday
No love for the holiday
You’ve got no love for the holiday
Because you flushed your girl down the toilet
And you’re never gonna get her back.

You might as well give yourself a swirly.
Just swirly yourself right down the drain.
Ride a boogie board to the sewer.
You might find your bars
And your love
Watch out for poop (pause to see if I’m going to say anything)
And the pee (Another pause and mischievous look)
Poop and pee
Poop and pee
Poop and pee 

“Youngest!”

Even a flip-flop is dangerous if it’s stuck in your mouth!
YEEEAAAAH!

(Runs back to her room giggling)

I laughed so hard my sides hurt.