I’m not a connoisseur of the f word that rhymes with duck. I have used it only three times in my life and each of these times has been the cause of hysterical laughter from my husband. I mentioned the most recent use of the word in a previous post. Today I’ll tell you about another time.
Shortly after the birth of my second child we decided to take a family trip to the dump to dispose of dirty diapers and frozen dinner boxes. On the way to the dump is a McDonalds. We decided to stop and get lunch. Being conscious of my postpartum figure I ordered a salad shaker.
Now, the truth be told, my mouth ordered a salad shaker with low-fat dressing but my eyes were saying Big Mac with a generous portion of fries. My Big Mac lust was almost sinful. To keep my desire in check, I focused my attention on the especially large rear end of the woman waiting for her burger and forced myself to order the salad.
We got our order to go and started driving. I added the dressing to the salad and replaced the top. I would like to believe that I would never take my frustrations out on an innocent salad but I shook that damn thing. I shook it to the left. I shook it to the right. I shook it with so much force the top flew off and the entire content of the plastic shaker container flew out and landed on me.
I was covered in lettuce, dressing, and shredded carrots. There was a cherry tomato in my lap. My husband froze in horror.
“FUCK!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
“All I wanted was a Big Mac. I wanted a fucking Big Mac!”
My face was red and my hands were shaking with rage. My husband quickly pulled over on the side of the road. It was a good move because he was laughing so hard he couldn’t drive. I got out and shook off the salad and wiped off the dressing with a spare cloth diaper. I got back in still steaming. I sat there with my arms crossed and a scowl on my face as my husband turned around and headed back towards home.
I eventually started to see the humor in the situation. I started to smile the slightest of smiles when he pulled into the drive-through and ordered me a Big Mac.
“Would you like a shake with that?” He asked.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:38 pm
If I had to rank words I think that “fuck” would be my favorite.
You can use it for anything and for some reason it still has power over people. A word shouldn’t have power over anything, that comes from the intent behind it.
Plus, it’s fun to say.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:49 pm
I use the word ‘fuck’ at work a lot. This seemed to have been more acceptable in NY than it is here in the suburbs of LA. Now, people kind of look at me funny when I use the word in meetings, impromptu hallway conversations, conference calls, etc. Oh well. Fuck them.
August 23rd, 2007 at 3:16 am
I LOVE to say fuck. One of my favorite days was the first time I said fuck in front of my parents with no strange glance. It was a glorious day.
I was at a beach once, and I bought a salad shaker for a friend. I was standing outside McDonalds with another friend when I dropped it on the ground and the salad fell out. I put it back in the cup. She still doesn’t know.
August 23rd, 2007 at 4:39 am
What the FUCK is a salad shaker? We don’t have them in NZ/UK McDonalds.
I order a Big Mac and fries without hesitation if I crave them. Maybe once a month. I could never order salad if I wanted fries. It’s not in me.
P.S. This post begs all sorts of questions. What do you say to Mr. ImPerceptibility, Pardon My French? Make love to me? Make sweet lurve to me? Make sweet, sweet luuuurve to me? Because I’m like, confused. And maybe I’m the only one that asked, but everyone else wondered.
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:37 am
Hmmm, I always worried about “A Big Mac Attack.” It was the cherry (tomato) bomb tucked in the salad that was ticking away, day-by-day.
Loved the post. Gave me a good laugh. The last line was brilliant.
Thanks for sharing the fun.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Whit – I think my favorite word to say would be soliloquy. It makes your tongue do wonderful things. If you don’t believe me say it with the tip of your finger in your mouth.
RTK – Human resources called. They said you need to watch your fuckin’ mouth.
Anthony – That’s so funny. I think it’s best she doesn’t know. ;) :) ;P :( :/ :D :*) 8-) <:) X-) :O ;)
Island Girl – I’m confused. What do you mean what do I tell my husband? Like any good woman of faith, I lay with my hands folded in prayer and perform my duties as required by god. Then he kisses me on the cheek and we go to sleep. Am I missing something?
Josh – Yup. Those cherry (tomato) bombs are deadly. I hear they might be banned in California. I’m glad you liked the story. It always makes me laugh when I remember it.
September 1st, 2007 at 7:56 pm
LOLOLOLOL
I like you! :)