I am a bit upset with some of the comments I have read at various parenting sites. They have to do with making children eat properly. Some people seem to think that children should be required to eat whatever is put on the table. Some people even force their children to eat by re-heating their meals over and over until they are too hungry to refuse. Just reading those comments makes me nauseous.
When I was a child dinner included several types of vegetables, pasta or potatoes, a meat, fruit, bread, and dessert. You sat down at the table and ate whatever you wanted. There was never an issue of who was eating what or how much. You could leave food on your plate. The dog loved it.
The only real food problems we had were at family gatherings. Everyone would bring his or her ’special’ dish and you had better be seen taking a big helping of it. If you shirked Gert’s potato salad, you would be hearing about it for years. Sometimes, we didn’t like a dish. My dad taught us how to deal with problem.
You took a large spoonful and proclaimed that it looked or smelled good. You could be creative. Wow, Gert, your pickle cubes are my favorite size! Then you put about half of the spoonful on your plate and returned the spoon to the dish. Throughout dinner you would occasionally put some of the offending food on your fork and then place it back on the plate. After you had spread out the food and it looked like you had eaten it, you were off the hook. Simple, easy, fun. I’ve taught my girls the same technique and it works great.
Everyone in my family is an adventurous eater. I think that is because we didn’t have to be. Food was a fun time with family. NOT a battle.
My husbands’ family was very different. Dinner consisted of one vegetable, bread or potatoes, and a fancy meat dish. Things like chicken cooked in wine. A lot of what he ate wasn’t stuff kids would like. Growing up in WWII England didn’t lend itself to having a healthy attitude towards food. You ate what you had because you were thankful you had it. That’s the attitude my husbands’ parents continued for their own kids. My husband had the misfortune of being born into a 10-year-old battle over food that started with his oldest sister. By the time he was old enough to care, they had adopted a - you will eat everything that is on your plate, within a certain time limit, or you will be punished policy. I remember his face when he told me about this. It made me cry. I had some really bad feelings for his parents after that.
One of the few things my husband and I absolutely agreed on when we had kids was that under no circumstances would we EVER force our children to eat anything. That didn’t mean we wouldn’t encourage them to eat new foods. My husband frequently tells my picky eater not to touch the dish she doesn’t like. She tries to sneak a spoonful. He pretends to grab it from her, but she gets it on her plate. Then he tells her ‘Well, OK. But only one bite.’ Sometimes she takes a bite, others she doesn’t. But, it’s her choice. My oldest daughter will try everything that doesn’t contain nuts or peanuts. My picky eater is expanding her food choices as well. I am confident that both will grow up to be healthy adventurous eaters.
I do not worry about proper nutrition. I use to. My pediatrician, a father of three grown kids, told me not to. If you have healthy foods and only a few snacks in the house they will eat what they need. I didn’t believe him. But, I decided to try. I let my daughter choose whatever she wanted for a week. I wrote down everything she ate and entered it into a nutrition program I found on the Internet. Over the course of a week, she fulfilled all of the nutrition guidelines. Her daily average was sometimes off, but her weekly average was perfect. So, I stopped worrying.
I sometimes get upset when my kids don’t eat a meal I spent time in preparing for them. It’s frustrating. That’s my problem. I expect them to turn down what’s offered politely and fix a healthy meal of their own if there is nothing on the table that they want. I am not going to let my ego superceded respecting my children.
So, there you have it. The four main reasons people cited for forcing their kids to eat.It will offend others.
They will never eat a variety of foods.
They won’t be healthy.
I worked hard on that meal.
Problem solved. Stop forcing your kids to eat and start respecting them for the unique people they are. Offer a variety of healthy foods and make dinner fun. Teach them to turn down a food politely or fake eating it. It takes a little work, but it’s worth it. Trust me, your future daughter or son-in-law will not think kindly of you if you don’t stop that non-sense.
What do you think? Am I way off on this or do you think I make a good point? Were you ever forced to eat food as a child? Was the experience valuable, harmful, neither? How did your experiences with food as a child shape the way you eat today or the way you handle food issues with your own kids? I’d like to hear more about this. Please leave a comment or write something up on your own blog and leave a link.
October 17th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
A long time ago I heard someone say, “No child ever starved to death when food was regularly put on the table.”
So yeah, I don’t get worked up if they don’t eat much at a meal. Because I know they’ll probably be starving for the next one!
Also, we have a rule in our house… The kids can help themselves to all the carrots and water they want at any time of the day. Other stuff, like cookies or pretzels, they have to ask first.
October 17th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
Crunchy Carpets - (What a cool name.) We have junk food in our house as well. I think banning food is not a good idea either. We try to balance everything. I don’t always succeed, but I try. :)
Kuntry - I thought of your celery post after I wrote this. My husband is a celery hater too. :) You make a good point about making eating fun and finding their language. I think making that effort is what being a parent is about.
Phil - I remember reading your post but I didn’t write this because of it. Your posts are filled with love and respect for your kids. I thought it was great that your kids decided not to eat dinner and you respected them enough to let them. As I think about in context with what I wrote, I think it was a great solution.
Why do parents think that kids have to eat all the time? Like Kuntry said, ‘let them be….cuz when they are hungry…they’d eat a whole elephant no problem!’
When my kids were younger, they would get so excited at family get togethers that they wouldn’t eat anything. They were too busy socializing. My mom would make a plate for them to take home and they would eat when they calmed down and realized they were hungry.
Some people would disagree, but I think it took a while for them to learn to eat and socialize at the same time. They both can hold their own now. Both eating and dinner conversations.
October 17th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
You might be referring to a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago. That was a real anomaly in our house… The fact that I served up a meal that both my kids refused to eat. I didn’t make them eat it. I simply said, “There are choices on the table, and you can eat what you want.” That night they chose to eat none of it. That was very strange, because usually they both have good appetites for a variety of foods.
My kids have definite likes and dislikes. My son hates black beans with a passion, so I’ve learned to never serve those to him. My daughter doesn’t like bacon, so she doesn’t get it put in front of her. 90% of the dinners I make are tried and true for the whole family… Things like spaghetti, pork chops, mac & cheese, chicken & rice. Stuff I know we’ll all eat and enjoy.
Lunch is a whole other thing… I usually let them choose what they want made for them. They almost always pick PB&J. Lunch and breakfast are the meals where everyone eats different things most of the time.
October 17th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
i agree with your philosophy….i grew up with parents making me sit for HOURS til i finished…the only reason i can’t eat most of their stuff is cuz my mom has a thing with celery. I HATE CELERY with a passion. (funny, she confessed just recent that when she was pregnant with me…SHE LOATHE CELERY!) HMMMMH!
anyway, i worked in a health food store as a cook for years…i must admit, i am a professional eater! (grin)….and i went thru many different diets-but according to what i felt my body was asking me.
i do notice that when the cold comes, i tend to crave higher protein and a bit more fatty food…in hot weather, more fresh and raw food.
as for kids, as you say, it is individual. kids are basicaaly milk-oholics….and i understood this logically cuz they’re growing bones.
as a breastfed baby, pantless lived on that then later, she ’bout consume anything mushy… fruits and veg….i didn’t start her in any meats for awhile until she looked like she needed protein.-for awhile she didn’t eat meat until her uncle introduced her to jerkies!
now she doesn’t eat veg but love fish and chickens….but i make stews and soups with loaded vegg, she doesn’t eat the veg but love the broth and i know the broth contains all the vitamins from the vegg.
i think what it is, is you gotta be able to try out things in different ways….a child may not eat raw vegg, but made it in a disguise etc…make it fun, and you can get them to eat it. (kids loves games and challenges)…it’s how we talk to them is what helps.
i usually have no problem getting the kids i babysit to clear their plate, even if they said they wouldn’t want it! we gotta find their language at times, and make meals non-threatening. i also believe that juice is better than soda….fruits better than candies….(i don’t deny them it, but i’d have them eat something good before the bad snacks! and that also goes in proportion.)
exposing these earlier in life, would make them better eaters as adults.
but being an adult, i love how i can basically eat an ice cream or cookie for breakfast! (but i do hideout from the kiddo.) heheheh!
i also think, if a kid really don’t want to eat…let them be….cuz when they are hungry…they’d eat a whole elephant no problem! (grin.)
very good post, imperceptible!!!!
October 17th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
Oooh don’t get me started.
I was a picky eater. I hated EVERYTHING except candy and french fries.
I also spent hours staring at congealing stew that I refused to touch while my dear mom simmered in anger.
And now, while I have an unhealthy obsession with candy and LOVE my fries, my diet does actually consist of a wide variety of foods and the majority of them is healthy!
In our house, we decided we couldn’t be hypocrits.
We like chips. We buy chips. So the kids will get to eat chips.
Same goes for cookies and other junk.
But we also have lots of healthy snacks choices too and those get eaten just as much.
My son lives on air…the only battle I have with him at dinner is getting to ingest some protein: ‘Please have two bites of chicken. Please??’ and that is pretty much it. I try not to overwhelm them and let them ask for more of something if they like it.
I usually aim for just ok lunches and healthy balanced dinners.
The rest of the day is a free for all.