I’m back again. Apparently they discovered a new deadly strain of e-coli bacteria on the meat I gave Cheney and I had to answer a whole lot of questions. I didn’t know bacterio-terrorist was even a real word. Thank Allah I managed to escape from Gitmo without too many problems. You may not know that I am well liked by small children, old men, and dogs. Each of those, a roll of duct tape, and 12 inches of twine played an important role in my escape. I’m fortunate that I had a father that cared enough to get out of his chair, scratch his butt, and turn the TV antenna 45 degrees so we could watch McGyver. I don’t have time to tell you about my escape now. But I might. I’d apologize in advance. Now, as I was saying before.
We walked slowly yet purposefully to the large metal door at the back of food prep area. Thoughts raced through my head and my heart beat with excitement when we stepped over the threshold. I jumped when the door slammed loudly behind us. It was such a cold harsh sound. A bundle of anxiety and raw nerves I scanned the area. The sight in front of me caused my head to turn from side to side and my nose to wiggle like a rabbit that has just heard the barking of the hounds. I’m not sure why a poster of Chuck-E-Cheese makes me react in such a visceral way. I’ll have to look into that. For the first time in my life I considered backing out of the mission. If I had been smart I would have taken my lapel pin and run. I was not smart. I was lulled into a false of security by what happened next.
Much to my enjoyment, the combat booted businessman poked his finger in Chuckie’s eye. The entire back wall started to lift up. It was our first look at the Zero Gravity Research chamber. It was the destination that had been the one and only focus of our lives for what seemed like an eternity, or maybe four hours. I was too excited to know for sure. It looked quite comfy.
If you’ve seen pictures of the interior of a space station you’ve seen the basics of the research chamber. Dull colors, lots of dials, video screens and LED’s. The main difference was the red velvet heart shaped vibrating bed. That and a condom dispenser. Remember, we were in New Jersey.
“One of those hotels in the Poconos went out of business. We got those used for about half the cost.” An older gentleman with a mullet and I love my mom tattoo told us. “I tried the bed out myself. It works real well.”
I made a mental note to keep my clothes on. He pulled a table out from a slot in the wall. It was set with a nice pre-coital snack. There were sacks of wine. Similar to a juice box. Little silver foil wrapped packets of freeze-dried ice cream. The dried strawberries with chocolate-like topping didn’t look quite so appetizing but they were a nice touch.
“How romantic” I cooed like a schoolgirl to my husband.
“Where are the freakin’ fries?” He asked. “I ordered extra large fries!”
He’s a man that appreciates a french fry. I’m a woman that loves him for it. With love and affection in my heart I snuggled up against him.
“How about some ice cream” I offered. “You don’t even have to worry about spilling it on your shirt.”
He’s a man that spills chocolate ice cream on his white shirts. I’m the woman that has to get the stain out. With love and affection in my heart I thanked the inventor of freeze-dried ice cream.
He was placated and we sat down and waited for the door to close. The seconds seemed like hours as the chamber started to de-gravitify. Every breath seemed to be just a little sweeter. We trembled with the knowledge that we were pioneers in the race for sex in space. We would go down in the history books. Just like Christopher Columbus, Eli Witney, or maybe the Alamo. Either way I was ready to go down. I’d do it for my country.
You could feel the release as the force of gravity was slowly removed from the room. I started to feel lighter and my hair increased in volume. I started to look like the picture of me from the eighties. My hair was huge and my boobs were high. It was amazing. I felt young again. I thought I was invincible. I did the broad jump and didn’t injure myself. I was invincible!
The degravitification, or whatever it was called, was almost completed. We floated and pretended to swim. Backflips and ninja moves were performed. It was a jolly ole time. Eventually we made our way back to the snacks.
Slowly and in the sexiest way possible we squirted long blobs of wine into the air. We drank them Lady and the Tramp style meeting in the middle for a tender kiss. We fed each other dried ice cream chunks. It was Neapolitan ice cream. NASA went all out for us. We knew they cared. Eventually we got around to flicking dried strawberries at each other and tried to catch them in our teeth. My eyes began to grow big and soft with love and desire. I was told that other things had started to grow as well.
We reached for each other with the intention of snuggling into a tender yet passionate embrace. That’s when things started to go wrong.
To be continued. Most Likely.
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