You Asked!

Today I shall use my blog for good and answer important questions I have received via search engine.

1. Dogs gone wild that fuck people – Chico, California

I don’t know what’s going on in Chico, California but it sounds bad. I have a few West Coast readers and I hope you are being safe. Be sure to take all necessary precautions. Don’t walk alone. Be aware of your surroundings at all time. Don’t walk in areas with high hydrant concentrations. And for christ sake DO NOT bend over anywhere near a dog park. I hope this problem is resolved soon.

2. I found my special purpose – Bakersfield, California

Hooray! Now go put it to good use. Write home to Ma.

3. My dog jumped on me and started fucking me – Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Holly crap! It’s moving east. You heard it here first. Get your kids inside and lock your doors. Cover your windows with duct tape and plastic. Buy batteries and report any suspicious looking dogs to homeland security.

4. See my big rack – Brisbane, Australia

No thanks. I have my own.

5. 20,000 bottle rockets – Grand Forks, North Dakota

You are so gonna be on the news.

6. Caffeine condoms – Los Angeles, California

Possibly a new product from Starbucks? No, probably Dunkin’ Donuts. Wait. Wasn’t someone from the LA area talking about buying condoms not too long ago?

7. Imperceptible used in a sentence – Chicago, Illinois

I want to state for the record that I have never been used in a sentence. Once in the back seat of a car. And there was that bar in Virginia Beach. But never a sentence! The nerve of some people.

8. Should myhusband spank me? – West Point, New York

ImP: Someone wants to know if you should spank them.
MyHusband: Have you been naughty?
Imp: No! Someone on my blog.
MyHusband: Ohh, Nahh, you’re the only woman I want to spank.
Imp: Awwwh, you’re so sweet.

Sorry. You could try Craigslist.

That concludes the public service portion of this blog post. Be safe, stay happy, and watch out for dogs.